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    Retail Defender, AntiCheapskate Edition

    , | Chicago, IL, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (I work in a large electronics retail chain. A guy asks me to find the latest version of Norton AntiVirus for him, which I do. He takes a look at the price and starts yelling about how outrageous it is ($100.00 US).)

    Guy: “What the h***? How can you people get away with this? This is a scam!”

    Me: “Sir, I can suggest another type of protection if this one is too expensive…”

    Guy: “No way! This is the one I want, but I’m not paying this.”

    Me: “Sir I–”

    Guy: “I bet I can find it online for much cheaper. Heck, even free! ”

    Me: “Sir, I think that–”

    Guy: “That’s what I’ll do… I’ll find it for free online! Better than this s***!”

    (A young woman nearby is listening and speaks up.)

    Woman: “Yeah, you can find it online, for free.”

    Guy: “Really, where? Tell me!”

    Woman: “L****party.org.” (Warning: This is a disturbing porn site that I would not recommend viewing.)

    Guy: “Thanks!” *turns back to me, smirking* “Ha, guess I won’t be spending any money on this s***!”

    Me, to the girl: “That… was awesome.”

    Woman: “Well, an a**hole like that deserves it. I figured that you couldn’t tell him that without getting fired.”

    (The young woman gets a free gift card; that guy never comes back. I still wonder what went through his mind when the site popped up.)

    Everyone’s A Wiseguy

    , | St. Joseph, MO, USA |

    (Our store is located in a one-level strip mall.)

    Customer: “Do you carry lawnmowers?”

    Customer service rep: “Just one second and let me find out for you…” *parks call* “Hey guys, do we carry lawnmowers?”

    Salesman 1: “Yeah, they’re down in the basement.”

    Salesman 2: “No, I saw them back by the overstock shelves.”

    Salesman 3: “No, I moved them into the attic for storage last week.”

    Salesman 4: “OOH! I know! They’re four walls down, under a big orange sign that says ‘Home Depot!'”

    Customer service rep: *picks call back up* “No sir, I’m sorry, but we’re an electronics store.”

    I Can So See This On Broadway

    , | Willow Grove, PA, USA |

    (I’m hurrying to the bathroom as an Asian couple starts flailing at me.)

    Me: “How can I he–”

    Customers: “FAXMACHEEEEE!”

    Me: “A fax machine?”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEEEEE!”

    Me: “Okay… well, if you follow me over here, I’ll show you what we have.”

    (I lead the customer over to the single fax machine that we carried at that point.)

    Female Customer: *staring at me confused* “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Yes, that’s a fax machi–”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Are you trying to ask if we carry any other fax machines?”

    Male Customer: *stares blankly at me for a few moments*

    Female Customer: *nods frantically* “FAXMACHEEEE!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is the only one we carry currently.”

    Male Customer: “… faxmachee?” *hangs head and walks away with female customer*

    Sometimes, Free Just Ain’t Enough

    , | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (Many years ago, in an electronics store far, far away…)

    Woman: “I just bought this computer and I can’t connect to Prodigy.”

    (eMachine had offered a $400 rebate for users who signed up for a year of Prodigy ISP, but the modems in their PCs wouldn’t work with Prodigy. Doh!)

    Me: “Yes, there’s a problem with some of the eMachines not working with Prodigy. I’ll put a new modem in for you and it will work. You can come back in about an hour to pick it up.”

    Woman: “I don’t want you to do that!”

    Me: “Uh… what?”

    Woman: “I don’t see why I have to get this fixed!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, your computer has a faulty modem, and the problem was found after it left the factory. However, I can replace your broken modem with a brand new one for free, and that will take care of the problem.”

    Woman: “But I don’t want you messing around in my computer!”

    Me: “This is my job–I install computer components all day.”

    Woman: “Well, I don’t want you messing around in there breaking things!”

    Me: “Replacing a modem is not that complicated. It’s like putting a new tire on a car.”

    Woman: “But if I just bought a new car, I shouldn’t need to have the tires changed in order to get it to work!”

    Me: “Yes, I understand that. I apologize about the faulty modem, and I’m offering to fix it for free.”

    Woman: “Well, I changed my mind. I don’t want that! Just cancel my Prodigy subscription.”

    Me: “…so you’d want to keep the broken modem?”

    Woman: “Yes, I want to keep it. Cancel my Prodigy subscription.”

    Me: “Ok, you got a $400 rebate for signing up for a year’s worth of Prodigy. If you cancel it, you’ll owe us $400.”


    Me: “You got $400 off of your computer because you signed up for a year of Prodigy. If you cancel, then you have to pay the full price! How can you not see that?”


    (We got her security instead.)

    Those Who Know Just Enough To Be Dangerous

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Hi Sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uhh, yea, I need some CDs.”

    Me: “Sure, we’ve got all kinds: CD-R, CD-RW and regular music CDs.”

    Customer: “Umm, I just need CDs with lots of RAM.”

    Me: “RAM? CDs don’t have RAM, computers do.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *turns around and ambles out of the store*

    (He then comes back a month later with a MacBook.)

    Customer: “Uhh, yeah…I put Linux on it.”

    Me: “That’s wonderful, you made a great choice.”

    Customer: “But, like, I can’t use my Apple OSX anymore.”

    Me: “Issues with Mac OSX? Okay, well. Lets take a look.”

    (I turn the laptop on, and I see that he has installed Ubuntu, I go into the GRUB loader to basically boot OSX and I find that it is no longer there.)

    Me: “Sir, did you reformat your hard drive in order to install Ubuntu?”

    Customer: “Uhh, I don’t know, I just followed the directions.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like you reformatted your hard drive, got rid of anything and everything you had on your MacBook and installed Ubuntu.”

    Customer: “So, can you fix it?”

    Me: “You got rid of everything, including any backups you may have had. I cannot get anything back.”

    Customer: “But I can get my files back right? I only formatted my Apple, right?”

    Me: “No, nothing can be done. You can either become a Linux user or if you have restore discs you can use those.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll talk to my brother, he can probably get all my stuff back…”

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