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    Lost In Their Own Translation

    | Belgium | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

    (My husband and I are from America. We move overseas to Belgium for his job, and make every effort to learn the native language. I am shopping for a computer part, but am tripping over the technical terms. The clerk mercifully switches over to English for my benefit. As he is helping me, a few native men queue up behind me and overhear us.)

    Customer #1: *in French* “Such a typical American; expecting everyone to cater to them and their stupid language.”

    Customer #2: *in French* “Can’t blame her. This b**** looks too stupid to learn French.”

    Me: *in French* “Looks can be deceiving, gentlemen.”

    (The customer turns red and quickly wanders off. The clerk is laughing so hard, he has to sit down.)

    Magic-Touch-Phone

    | Australia | Health & Body, Religion, Technology

    Customer: “I want to return this phone; it won’t turn on.”

    (I turn on the phone, and it works perfectly.)

    Me: “Hmm, seems to be turning on just fine.”

    Customer: “I’ve been doing that all yesterday, and it didn’t work! You must have magic hands or something.”

    Me: “That’s the only explanation I can think of. I should use my powers for good and go out and use my magic touch to heal things like leprosy.”

    Lady: *in all seriousness* “Oh no, I don’t have that.”

    Too Fast, Too Furious

    | BC, Canada | One-Liners, Technology

    (A customer calls into our store, and my coworker answers the phone. I’m listening to the conversation.)

    Coworker: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a manual for my cordless phone. Do you sell them at your store?”

    Coworker: “We don’t sell the manuals, unfortunately. You could probably find it online though.”

    Customer: “That will be too much work. Just sell me one of yours!”

    Coworker: “What’s the model number?”

    (My coworker proceeds to look up the manual on a common internet search engine.)

    Coworker: “If you want us to print out a copy of the manual for you, it will be five cents a page. You can pick it up in the store.”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual!”

    Coworker: “I do, ma’am. I just found it online.”

    Customer: “No, you didn’t. It didn’t take you long enough!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m looking right at it! Would you like us to print you off a copy?”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual! That was too fast! I can’t believe your lack of customer service!”

    (The customer hangs up.)

    Me: “What just happened?”

    Coworker: “Stupid happened.”

    A Sim-ple Solution

    | East Bakersfield, CA, USA | Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m in line at technical support to get my laptop fixed. A very rude and impatient customer cuts me, and slams his phone down on the counter.)

    Me: “Excuse me! You just cut me.”

    Rude Customer: *ignoring me* ” You son of a b****! You were supposed to fix my phone eight days ago! What’s with this bull-s***!”

    Tech Support: “Sir, we told you; there is nothing wrong with the phone. You just don’t have a sim-card in there.”

    Rude Customer: “Bull-s***! I put in a sim-card, and it still doesn’t work!”

    Tech Support: “Okay, then. If I see that there is no sim-card, you’re going to apologize to the woman you cut, apologize to me, and get out of my store before I plant my foot so far up your a**, that your grandchildren get the mark.”

    (The technician takes the phone and opens the back cover. He starts to laugh.)

    Rude Customer: “What’s so f****** funny?!”

    Tech Support: “GET. OUT. NOW.”

    (The 6’1, 227 lb, tech stands up. He takes his glasses off, and puts them on the counter.)

    (The rude customer turns white, then turns to me.)

    Rude Customer: “Sorry!”

    (The customer literally makes a run out the store, while leaving his phone behind. The technician sits back down and acts as though nothing happened.)

    Mostly Crazy, Not So Good

    | FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store] tech support. This is [my name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. My stopped working. Can I get it replaced free?”

    Me: “When did you purchase it?”

    Caller: “[Date].”

    (I collect his information and locate his purchase and warranty in our database.)

    Me: “You’re still within the 90 day warranty. What seems to be the problem with it?”

    Caller: “We can’t put the game discs in.”

    Me: “You mean some piece of the internal hardware is blocking the disc slot?”

    Caller: “No. Last night we were having a party. My roommate got pretty drunk and thought the [game console] was the toaster, and he shoved a Pop-Tart in the slot. We can’t get it out.”

    Me: “…You have a Pop-Tart stuck in the slot.”

    Caller: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I’m afraid that isn’t covered under the warranty, sir.”

    Caller: “It isn’t?”

    Me: “No. Only manufacturer defects are covered. Damage caused by the customer is not covered.”

    Caller: “S***. I guess I don’t need to ask about the Blu-Ray player, then?”


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