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    Everyone’s A Wiseguy

    , | St. Joseph, MO, USA |

    (Our store is located in a one-level strip mall.)

    Customer: “Do you carry lawnmowers?”

    Customer service rep: “Just one second and let me find out for you…” *parks call* “Hey guys, do we carry lawnmowers?”

    Salesman 1: “Yeah, they’re down in the basement.”

    Salesman 2: “No, I saw them back by the overstock shelves.”

    Salesman 3: “No, I moved them into the attic for storage last week.”

    Salesman 4: “OOH! I know! They’re four walls down, under a big orange sign that says ‘Home Depot!’”

    Customer service rep: *picks call back up* “No sir, I’m sorry, but we’re an electronics store.”

    I Can So See This On Broadway

    , | Willow Grove, PA, USA |

    (I’m hurrying to the bathroom as an Asian couple starts flailing at me.)

    Me: “How can I he–”

    Customers: “FAXMACHEEEEE!”

    Me: “A fax machine?”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEEEEE!”

    Me: “Okay… well, if you follow me over here, I’ll show you what we have.”

    (I lead the customer over to the single fax machine that we carried at that point.)

    Female Customer: *staring at me confused* “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Yes, that’s a fax machi–”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Are you trying to ask if we carry any other fax machines?”

    Male Customer: *stares blankly at me for a few moments*

    Female Customer: *nods frantically* “FAXMACHEEEE!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is the only one we carry currently.”

    Male Customer: “… faxmachee?” *hangs head and walks away with female customer*

    Sometimes, Free Just Ain’t Enough

    , | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (Many years ago, in an electronics store far, far away…)

    Woman: “I just bought this computer and I can’t connect to Prodigy.”

    (eMachine had offered a $400 rebate for users who signed up for a year of Prodigy ISP, but the modems in their PCs wouldn’t work with Prodigy. Doh!)

    Me: “Yes, there’s a problem with some of the eMachines not working with Prodigy. I’ll put a new modem in for you and it will work. You can come back in about an hour to pick it up.”

    Woman: “I don’t want you to do that!”

    Me: “Uh… what?”

    Woman: “I don’t see why I have to get this fixed!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, your computer has a faulty modem, and the problem was found after it left the factory. However, I can replace your broken modem with a brand new one for free, and that will take care of the problem.”

    Woman: “But I don’t want you messing around in my computer!”

    Me: “This is my job–I install computer components all day.”

    Woman: “Well, I don’t want you messing around in there breaking things!”

    Me: “Replacing a modem is not that complicated. It’s like putting a new tire on a car.”

    Woman: “But if I just bought a new car, I shouldn’t need to have the tires changed in order to get it to work!”

    Me: “Yes, I understand that. I apologize about the faulty modem, and I’m offering to fix it for free.”

    Woman: “Well, I changed my mind. I don’t want that! Just cancel my Prodigy subscription.”

    Me: “…so you’d want to keep the broken modem?”

    Woman: “Yes, I want to keep it. Cancel my Prodigy subscription.”

    Me: “Ok, you got a $400 rebate for signing up for a year’s worth of Prodigy. If you cancel it, you’ll owe us $400.”

    Woman: *yelling* “WHAAAATTTTT? I’M NOT PAYING EXTRA MONEY FOR A BROKEN MODEM! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY MORE MONEY! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO RIP ME OFF!”

    Me: “You got $400 off of your computer because you signed up for a year of Prodigy. If you cancel, then you have to pay the full price! How can you not see that?”

    Woman: “THIS IS B*LLSH*T! YOU’RE TRYING TO STEAL FROM ME! I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

    (We got her security instead.)

    Those Who Know Just Enough To Be Dangerous

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Hi Sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uhh, yea, I need some CDs.”

    Me: “Sure, we’ve got all kinds: CD-R, CD-RW and regular music CDs.”

    Customer: “Umm, I just need CDs with lots of RAM.”

    Me: “RAM? CDs don’t have RAM, computers do.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *turns around and ambles out of the store*

    (He then comes back a month later with a MacBook.)

    Customer: “Uhh, yeah…I put Linux on it.”

    Me: “That’s wonderful, you made a great choice.”

    Customer: “But, like, I can’t use my Apple OSX anymore.”

    Me: “Issues with Mac OSX? Okay, well. Lets take a look.”

    (I turn the laptop on, and I see that he has installed Ubuntu, I go into the GRUB loader to basically boot OSX and I find that it is no longer there.)

    Me: “Sir, did you reformat your hard drive in order to install Ubuntu?”

    Customer: “Uhh, I don’t know, I just followed the directions.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like you reformatted your hard drive, got rid of anything and everything you had on your MacBook and installed Ubuntu.”

    Customer: “So, can you fix it?”

    Me: “You got rid of everything, including any backups you may have had. I cannot get anything back.”

    Customer: “But I can get my files back right? I only formatted my Apple, right?”

    Me: “No, nothing can be done. You can either become a Linux user or if you have restore discs you can use those.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll talk to my brother, he can probably get all my stuff back…”

    Not Even Remotely Intelligent

    , | Roanoke, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

    (Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her Magnavox TV.)

    Me: “Yes, what about it?”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

    Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

    Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

    Customer: “No lights come on, is there a battery in it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

    Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

    (A few minutes later, she calls back.)

    Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

    Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, hold on…hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says “Remove Before Using”? Should I take that out?”

    Me: *major facepalm* “Yes ma’am. ”

    Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

    (Not surprisingly, the lady calls back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)


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