Secret Agent Man Loses It

, | Elk Grove, CA, USA |

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, thank you for calling ***. This is *** speaking. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what kind of GPS tracers you have.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. We have the Zoombak system here for–”

Customer: “No no no, I need something smaller!”

Me: “…smaller? What are you looking for exactly, sir?”

Customer: “I want to get a GPS that I can slip onto someone’s person so I can follow them around closely! I think my wife’s having an affair.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t sell anything like that here.”

Customer: “But you sell GPS’s!”

Me: “The receivers, sir.”

Customer: “And the transmitters?”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “The transmitters for your receivers!”

Me: “No, sir. Not that kind of receiver. We only have the kind that tells you where you are.”

Customer: “So you have nothing I can use to track people? Why not?”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

Customer: “What about those things for tracking kids, or the things the POLICE use?”

Me: “The police have special forms for use, and special power to enact them. And the ones for kids are special-case as well, as the child is under 18, so consent isn’t need–”

Customer: “Well then, I wanna follow my son around!”

Me: “You just said ‘wife’. And we don’t have them.”

Customer: “Oh. What about tasers?”

Me: “We don’t sell weapons.”

Customer: “You don’t sell a lot of things, do you? What about audio bugs?”

Me: “Sir, it seems you want the spy shop. I can give you their number–”

Customer: “Oh, I know all about them! I’ve had COVERT training, pal! I just thought you might appreciate my covert business. I guess I gotta go take my ELITE COVERTNESS over to the spy shop, then. Jerk.” *hangs up*

Coworker: *listening in*“You sure that wasn’t a radio station screwing with you?”

All Games Rated D For Delicious

| London, UK | Top

(A coworker and I are chatting at the counter, when a guy comes up and dumps a Playstation 3
onto the counter.)

Customer: “It’s defective.”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Nothing happens when I plug it into my TV.”

Coworker: “OK, let me check on one of the ones we have.”

(My coworker takes the Playstation 3 and plugs it into a TV we have. It works fine.)

Coworker: “It doesn’t appear to be the Playstation 3. It’s probably the TV. Would you like to bring that in for us to have a look at?”

Customer: “Yeah. OK. I’ll bring it in later.”

(The customer grabs the Playstation 3 and leaves. He returns a few hours later and walks up to me, alone this time.)

Customer: “Hey, you were with the guy who served me earlier, right?”

Me: “Yes. You have the TV, sir?”

(The customer dumps the strangest TV ever onto the counter with the Playstation 3 beside it.)

Customer: “Here. It’s still not working.”

Me: *holding back laughter* “Sir, this isn’t a TV. It’s a microwave.”

Customer: “Duh! I know that!”

Me: “I don’t think the Playstation 3 will work on it.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s a microwave. It’s used to cook food, not play games.”

Customer: “But it has a screen. Why wouldn’t it work?”

Me: *facepalm*

Homeland Insecurity

, | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

(I’m ringing up a man who is buying a new laptop.)

Customer: “So, what are your ethnicities?”

(This question didn’t strike me as odd, as people have wondered in the past.)

Me: “Half European and half Middle Eastern.”

Customer: “Oh, so like one of those terrorists…. just watered-down.”

Me: “Oh, I’m not watered-down, sir.” *holds out his receipt, smirking*

(The customer looks a bit freaked, grabs his receipt and takes off quickly with his stuff–except for his credit card.)

Coming Soon: Laptop Loofas

, | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

Customer #1: “This cell phone doesn’t work anymore. I want you to replace it.”

Me: “When did it stop working?”

Customer #1: “After I brought it in the shower.”

Me: “If it got wet, it’s probably not going to work at all, and it won’t be covered by the warranty.”

Customer #1: “I don’t understand. If it doesn’t work anymore, you’re supposed to replace it. It should work in the shower.”

Me: “Well, no. Like any piece of electronics, it’s not going to work if you get it wet. Would you bring your laptop in the shower?”

Customer #2: *interjecting* “I bring my laptop into the shower all the time.”

Me: *facepalm*

A Swing And A Miss

, | Saskatchewan, Canada |

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Electronics, please.”

Me: “We’re an electronics store, ma’am. Could you be more specific?”

Caller: “Umm…just one moment.”

(She hangs up. Five minutes later, she calls back.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Electronics DEPARTMENT, please.”

Me: “…”

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