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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • The Secret Lives Of Customers

    , | California, USA |

    (I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

    Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t–hey! It looks wet in there!”

    Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

    (The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid and TASTES it.)

    Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

    Me: “…sir…can I ask…how did you–”

    Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

    A Double Edged Flat Screen

    | Texas, USA | Top

    Customer: “You have to help me, I don‚Äôt know what to do!”

    Me: “Calm down, ma‚Äôam. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

    Me: “What‚Äôs the problem with it?”

    Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

    Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

    Customer: “No. It works perfectly, that‚Äôs the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar, all his friends come over to watch TV until 3 am and I can‚Äôt get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother‚Äôs crystal vase and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

    Me: “Well, you know ma‚Äôam, you could always turn the tables.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

    (The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

    Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

    Me: “Just over there…”

    Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

    (I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)

    Desktop Hunters And Gatherers

    | Pensacola, FL, USA |

    (A customer is at our electronics store looking at the Macs.)

    Customer: “Is this that Windows Vi-ah-ster?”

    Me: “You mean Windows Vista? No, these are Macs, sir.”

    Customer: “Right, Windows Vista, exactly.”

    Me: “Are you going to buy one?”

    Customer: “Yeah, got anything that’s under $200?”

    Me: “Not in the Apple section, and I really wouldn’t advise you get a $200 Vista rig anyway. It will run slowly.”

    (He goes over, finds a low end rig, and gets it anyway. He’s back a day later.)

    Customer: “Ya, its not workin’.”

    Me: “I told you, why didn’t you listen?”

    Customer: “Oh, I saw two comp-ooh-ters at that price, and the other one looked better.”

    Me: “Looked better… how?”

    Customer: “The paint was shinier.”

    The Force Is Strong In This One

    , | Canada |

    Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this item.”

    Me: “Ok, what was the problem?”

    Customer: “I just don’t need it anymore.”

    Me: “Ok, do you have the receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes, here it is.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t return this. It’s from six months ago.”

    Customer: “Yes you can…” *waves hands in the air*

    Me: “I’m sorry, no I can’t. I would get in a lot of trouble.”

    Customer: “No you won’t…” *waves hands in the air again*

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not going to do that.”

    Customer: *turns and leaves*

    Me, to coworker: “Did I just get Jedi mind-tricked?”

    Introducing The Xbox Air

    , | Cortlandt Manor, NY, USA |

    (Note: this was the holiday season that the Xbox 360 came out.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I would like to purchase the “Box 360″.”

    Me: “Oh, the Xbox 360. Well, unfortunately we do not have any more left in store to sell you.”

    Customer: *pointing at display box* “Then what is this? Are you lying to me? Is it because I’m old that you think you can get away with this?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Those boxes are for display purposes only.”

    Customer: “Well, I want one right now.”

    Me: “We don’t have any in stock, but I can special order one for–”

    Customer: “Now listen here, you idiot! I see this box right here and I want to buy my son the Box 360!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t sell you a display box. The only thing I can do is special order you one. However, I can guarantee it will be there before Christmas.”

    Customer: “I will take this Box 360 and I am not paying for it!”

    (The customer suddenly throws the display box, resulting in security coming over.)

    Me, to the little boy with her: “Is she usually like that?”

    Little Boy: “Yes, and if she would listen I wanted a PS2!”

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