Shoplift Your Spirits

| Detroit, MI, USA | Uncategorized

(I witness this exchange between a customer and my manager.)

Manager: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave your backpack at the counter.”

Customer: “Don’t worry about it. My policy is not to shoplift when my friends can’t spare bail money.”

(The manager laughs and walks off, letting him keep his backpack.)

Cut Throat Business

| BC, Canada | Uncategorized

(A customer brings in his computer for service. While discussing his options, I mistakenly refer to a service that is twice as expensive as what he actually needs. He chooses a lesser service, signs his computer in, and leaves. After realizing the mistake, I find him still in the store.)

Me: “Sir, I just wanted to let you know that I misquoted the service, and we can actually do what you originally wanted, for the same price as the lesser service. I’m very sorry for the mistake.”

Customer: “Ah, that’s great! I’m glad I didn’t listen to the voice in my head.”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

Customer: “The voice told me to rip your throat out when you told me the first price.”

Me: *nervous laughter* “Well now you get the service you originally wanted, and I get to keep my throat.”

Customer: *narrows eyes* “For now, yes.”

Doesn’t Get The Fine Print

| Texas, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

Customer: *hands me a printer* "Is this all I need to print? My last printer broke."

Me: "No, ma’am. You still have to purchase ink and a printer cable for it."

Customer: *grabs random ink off shelf* "Okay, here we go."

Me: "You have to get the specific brand and number listed on the box."

Customer: "Oh, well, normally you can just mix and match. I’m new to this web 2.0 nonsense but I think I know a little about setting up a printin’ machine!"

Not So Smart-Phone

| Merrimack, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Uncategorized

Customer: “I’m looking for a cable to hook my [brand] cell phone up to the computer. The plug looks like this.” *the customer shows me the broken end of a cable*

Me: “This doesn’t look like the plug for any [brand] phone I’ve ever seen. May I see the phone?”

(The customer hands me his phone, which is a bulky, inelegant phone/camera/portable TV and very obviously not a [brand].)

Me: “Sir, who told you this phone was a [brand]?”

Customer: “Some guy in Boston I bought it from. See, right there is the logo.”

(The customer points to a logo on the phone that looks exactly like the logo for one of [brand]’s famous product lines, but it is slightly modified so that one of the letters is different.)

Me: “Well, I think I see the problem. This is definitely not a [brand]; it’s a cheap Chinese knock-off, and that logo has one of the letters changed. See?”

Customer: “Let’s look at the manual. I’ve got it here.”

(The customer begins thumbing through what looks like a photocopied manual full of tiny text written in bad English.)

Customer: “You’d think the guys at [brand] would be able to write clearer instructions.”

Me: “Sir, I really recommend that you bring that item back if you can.”

Customer: “No way, I bought this because it’s a phone that doesn’t need the web. All they have these days are smart phones that go on the web. But I’m not smart.”

Me: “Did the guy in Boston tell you that?”

Related:
Not So Smart-Card

When Grave Concerns Are Warranted

| Canada | Technology, Top

(After talking to an elderly customer about a computer and all its benefits, I try to talk to him about our in-store warranty.)

Me: “So are you interested in purchasing this computer and having it protected for three years through us?”

Customer: “I would be dead by then.”

Me: “Then it would be a lifetime warranty.”

Customer: *laughs*

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