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    Not So Smart-Phone

    | Merrimack, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology

    Customer: “I’m looking for a cable to hook my [brand] cell phone up to the computer. The plug looks like this.” *the customer shows me the broken end of a cable*

    Me: “This doesn’t look like the plug for any [brand] phone I’ve ever seen. May I see the phone?”

    (The customer hands me his phone, which is a bulky, inelegant phone/camera/portable TV and very obviously not a [brand].)

    Me: “Sir, who told you this phone was a [brand]?”

    Customer: “Some guy in Boston I bought it from. See, right there is the logo.”

    (The customer points to a logo on the phone that looks exactly like the logo for one of [brand]’s famous product lines, but it is slightly modified so that one of the letters is different.)

    Me: “Well, I think I see the problem. This is definitely not a [brand]; it’s a cheap Chinese knock-off, and that logo has one of the letters changed. See?”

    Customer: “Let’s look at the manual. I’ve got it here.”

    (The customer begins thumbing through what looks like a photocopied manual full of tiny text written in bad English.)

    Customer: “You’d think the guys at [brand] would be able to write clearer instructions.”

    Me: “Sir, I really recommend that you bring that item back if you can.”

    Customer: “No way, I bought this because it’s a phone that doesn’t need the web. All they have these days are smart phones that go on the web. But I’m not smart.”

    Me: “Did the guy in Boston tell you that?”

    Related:
    Not So Smart-Card

    When Grave Concerns Are Warranted

    | Canada | Technology, Top

    (After talking to an elderly customer about a computer and all its benefits, I try to talk to him about our in-store warranty.)

    Me: “So are you interested in purchasing this computer and having it protected for three years through us?”

    Customer: “I would be dead by then.”

    Me: “Then it would be a lifetime warranty.”

    Customer: *laughs*

    May Also Cancel Brain Waves

    | St. Cloud, MN, USA | Musical Mayhem

    (I am helping a customer looking at headphones. He reads one of the tags out loud.)

    Customer: “Black noise canceling headphones. There’s such a thing as black noise?”

    Me: “Sir, those are the color of the headphones.”

    Customer: “Oh, because I’ve heard of that white noise, are you sure it doesn’t just cancel the black noise?”

    Funds Are Not The Only Thing Lacking Here

    | Chicago, IL, USA | At The Checkout

    Me: “So, your total comes to $47.63.”

    (The customer swipes their card.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it seems your card was declined.”

    Customer: “Declined? Why?”

    Me: “It says here because of ‘insufficient funds’.”

    Customer: “But what does that even mean?”

    Cooking In High Definition

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    Customer: “I will take one of these.” *points to a small white microwave oven*

    Me: “Certainly, sir. Come right this way.”

    (The customer goes to the checkout counter and pays for goods.)

    Customer: “So, will I need an antenna for this?”

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