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    Cut Throat Business

    | BC, Canada |

    (A customer brings in his computer for service. While discussing his options, I mistakenly refer to a service that is twice as expensive as what he actually needs. He chooses a lesser service, signs his computer in, and leaves. After realizing the mistake, I find him still in the store.)

    Me: “Sir, I just wanted to let you know that I misquoted the service, and we can actually do what you originally wanted, for the same price as the lesser service. I’m very sorry for the mistake.”

    Customer: “Ah, that’s great! I’m glad I didn’t listen to the voice in my head.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “The voice told me to rip your throat out when you told me the first price.”

    Me: *nervous laughter* “Well now you get the service you originally wanted, and I get to keep my throat.”

    Customer: *narrows eyes* “For now, yes.”

    Doesn’t Get The Fine Print

    | Texas, USA | Technology

    Customer: *hands me a printer* "Is this all I need to print? My last printer broke."

    Me: "No, ma’am. You still have to purchase ink and a printer cable for it."

    Customer: *grabs random ink off shelf* "Okay, here we go."

    Me: "You have to get the specific brand and number listed on the box."

    Customer: "Oh, well, normally you can just mix and match. I’m new to this web 2.0 nonsense but I think I know a little about setting up a printin’ machine!"

    Not So Smart-Phone

    | Merrimack, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology

    Customer: “I’m looking for a cable to hook my [brand] cell phone up to the computer. The plug looks like this.” *the customer shows me the broken end of a cable*

    Me: “This doesn’t look like the plug for any [brand] phone I’ve ever seen. May I see the phone?”

    (The customer hands me his phone, which is a bulky, inelegant phone/camera/portable TV and very obviously not a [brand].)

    Me: “Sir, who told you this phone was a [brand]?”

    Customer: “Some guy in Boston I bought it from. See, right there is the logo.”

    (The customer points to a logo on the phone that looks exactly like the logo for one of [brand]‘s famous product lines, but it is slightly modified so that one of the letters is different.)

    Me: “Well, I think I see the problem. This is definitely not a [brand]; it’s a cheap Chinese knock-off, and that logo has one of the letters changed. See?”

    Customer: “Let’s look at the manual. I’ve got it here.”

    (The customer begins thumbing through what looks like a photocopied manual full of tiny text written in bad English.)

    Customer: “You’d think the guys at [brand] would be able to write clearer instructions.”

    Me: “Sir, I really recommend that you bring that item back if you can.”

    Customer: “No way, I bought this because it’s a phone that doesn’t need the web. All they have these days are smart phones that go on the web. But I’m not smart.”

    Me: “Did the guy in Boston tell you that?”

    Related:
    Not So Smart-Card

    When Grave Concerns Are Warranted

    | Canada | Technology, Top

    (After talking to an elderly customer about a computer and all its benefits, I try to talk to him about our in-store warranty.)

    Me: “So are you interested in purchasing this computer and having it protected for three years through us?”

    Customer: “I would be dead by then.”

    Me: “Then it would be a lifetime warranty.”

    Customer: *laughs*

    May Also Cancel Brain Waves

    | St. Cloud, MN, USA | Musical Mayhem

    (I am helping a customer looking at headphones. He reads one of the tags out loud.)

    Customer: “Black noise canceling headphones. There’s such a thing as black noise?”

    Me: “Sir, those are the color of the headphones.”

    Customer: “Oh, because I’ve heard of that white noise, are you sure it doesn’t just cancel the black noise?”

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