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    When A Computer Is Not A Computer

    | North Miami, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [electronics store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I came into the store a few hours ago and bought a computer, but I think something is wrong with it.”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Caller: “Well, it seems to turn on. The little light goes on and everything, but nothing comes up except ‘no signal’.”

    Me: “Is this a desktop computer, or a notebook?”

    Caller: “It’s one of the big screen ones. Not a laptop.”

    Me: “Alright, it’s a desktop. Are you positive you followed all the directions in the manual and connected everything properly?”

    Caller: “Huh? Why would I need to use the manual? It was pretty simple.”

    Me: “Well, just to be sure, could you please check the manual and make sure everything is plugged in properly?”

    Caller: “Well, there is one cord sitting there but I figured that it was the internet cable. We don’t have internet yet.”

    Me: “Is the cord coming out of the monitor or the tower?”

    Caller: “It’s not plugged into anything. The only thing I have plugged in is the computer into the wall.”

    Me: “What about the monitor?”

    Caller: “The what?”

    Me: “The monitor, as in, the screen.”

    Caller: “Right, the computer. Like I said, it’s plugged into the wall.”

    Me: “Sir, let me get this straight. You have the screen plugged into the wall and nothing else?

    Caller: “Right.”

    Me: “And you didn’t buy anything else, right?”

    Caller: “Right.”

    Me: “Sir, you just bought the monitor. That isn’t the computer. That’s just the screen.”

    Caller: “What are you talking about? Of course this is the computer! I’ve seen a whole bunch of computers before and they look just like this!”

    Me: “Did all those computer have a big piece of machinery sitting near them?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I guess. Why?

    Me: “That would be the computer.”

    Caller: “You’re joking, right?”

    Me: “Nope. Sorry, sir.”

    Caller: “Well d***. How much more does the rest cost?”

    Me: “It depends how powerful you want it to be. You could get a low-end computer for about $300 to $400.”

    Caller: “But, I already spent $150 on this thing!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. But if you want a computer you’ll, uh, need to buy the computer.”

    Caller: “To h*** with all this! I’m not spending that kind of money! I’m never buying a computer again!”

    Me: “Well, sir. You didn’t buy one in the first place.”

    Caller: *click*

    Clap-top Repair

    , | MD, USA |

    Customer: “I can’t get the microphone on my laptop to work. Do you think you could help?”

    Me: “What were you trying to do with it?”

    Customer: “I can’t get it to hear what I’m saying.”

    Me: “That’s pretty common. The settings are probably a little off. Let me take a look.”

    (I boot the computer. After switching a few settings, I get the microphone to work.)

    Me: “There, you should be all set. The settings were just wrong. You should be fine now.”

    (I clap into the microphone so she can see the sound bars going up and down. She thinks I am clapping in celebration of her now fixed computer. She begins to clap rapidly along with me.)

    Customer: *clapping* “Yay! This is the best day ever!”

    28 Years Later

    , | Bloomington, IN, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Top

    (A little old lady approaches the counter.)

    Little old lady: “Do you carry flamethrowers?

    Shoplift Your Spirits

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    (I witness this exchange between a customer and my manager.)

    Manager: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave your backpack at the counter.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry about it. My policy is not to shoplift when my friends can’t spare bail money.”

    (The manager laughs and walks off, letting him keep his backpack.)

    Cut Throat Business

    | BC, Canada |

    (A customer brings in his computer for service. While discussing his options, I mistakenly refer to a service that is twice as expensive as what he actually needs. He chooses a lesser service, signs his computer in, and leaves. After realizing the mistake, I find him still in the store.)

    Me: “Sir, I just wanted to let you know that I misquoted the service, and we can actually do what you originally wanted, for the same price as the lesser service. I’m very sorry for the mistake.”

    Customer: “Ah, that’s great! I’m glad I didn’t listen to the voice in my head.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “The voice told me to rip your throat out when you told me the first price.”

    Me: *nervous laughter* “Well now you get the service you originally wanted, and I get to keep my throat.”

    Customer: *narrows eyes* “For now, yes.”


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