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    Not Their Number One Flavor

    | USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (We can do urinalysis testing for anyone, for any reason. A client comes in with his mom, carrying a Gatorade bottle. He puts the bottle on my desk.)

    Client: “Can you test this?”

    (I realize that the bottle is filled with urine. Normally we have to supervise the test being taken, but his mom says it’s fine and his testing is voluntary anyway. I shrug and take the sample into the back to process it, and throw the bottle away in a biohazard bag. I come back to my desk.)

    Me: “Alright, the lab will test the sample, and you guys are good to go.”

    (The mom leaves, but the client just stands there.)

    Me: “Um, is there something else you need?”

    Client: “Can I have my water bottle back?”

    Global Positioning Showers

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

    Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

    Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

    Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

    Me: “Cool, good to know.”

    (Several minutes pass.)

    Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

    Me: “That’s a new one.”

    Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”