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    Full Time Care(less)

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (The following is what I overhear after I let a customer use the store phone.)

    Customer: “Come on, pick up the phone! You in a d*** wheelchair, I know you’re there! I left you upstairs for a reason!”

    Gambling With His Life

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    (It’s been snowing for the last few days, and the roads are making travel difficult.)

    Customer: “Boy! Those roads are horrible!”

    Me: “Yes sir, so I’ve heard.”

    Customer: “I don’t know why anyone would be out in this if they didn’t have to be!”

    Me: “I agree. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Oh, I need some cigarettes and lottery tickets.”

    A Picture Perfect Resolution

    | Lakewood, NJ, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I came in a couple hours ago to pick up my pictures, and my wife says we’re 17 pictures short! This always happens when we come here! Is it really so hard to keep track of one f***ing order?”

    (The customer continues to rant for several minutes, getting louder and more obscene. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “I was in there an hour and a half ago and the dumb*** in front of me left 17 pictures on the counter that I accidentally took home with my pictures. What kind of moron leaves pictures on the counter?”

    (I hand the phone to the irate customer.)

    Me: “It’s for you.”

    DJ Freud, Featuring The Oedipus Complexes

    | Houston, TX, USA | Family & Kids, Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (I work in the beauty department and a customer comes up to me).

    Customer: “I need a face wash for my son that will get rid of the semen on his face.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are you deaf? He is too oily!”

    Me: “You mean sebum?”

    (The customer turns the brightest shade of red and runs out the store.)

    Crumbled Translation

    | Cranston, RI, USA |

    Customer: “I need a rain check.”

    Me: “Alright, what do you need it for?”

    Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you right. Would you please repeat that?”

    Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes!”

    Me:” I don’t believe we sell those.”

    Customer: “Yes you do. I saw them in the sale flyer!” *points to flyer which says ‘Au Gratin Potatoes’*


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