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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Where There’s Smoke, There’s Backfire

    | Kittery, ME, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I am working the register. A mother and her teenage daughter are quietly arguing nearby. When they’re done, the teenager comes up to my register while the mother lingers a few feet away.)

    Teenage Customer: “I need a pack of [cigarettes]!”

    Me: “Certainly! May I see your ID, please?”

    Teenage Customer: “I’m with her.” *points to her mother*

    Me: “Okay, but the person who actually purchases the cigarettes has to be at least 18, no matter who they are with.”

    Teenage Customer: “Oh for f***’s sake!”

    (The teenager goes over to her mother and they quietly argue some more. The mother reluctantly comes up to my register.)

    Customer’s Mother: “I need a pack of [cigarettes], please.”

    Me: “Are you purchasing them for yourself?”

    Customer’s Mother: “No, I don’t smoke. They’re for my daughter. She’s not old enough to buy them for herself.”

    Teenage Customer: “Shut up, Mom!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell the cigarettes to either of you.”

    Teenage Customer: “Why the f*** not?”

    Me: “Well, you’re not old enough to buy them and your mother just admitted that she’s buying them for someone who is underage.”

    Teenage Customer: “They’re for her. Right, Mom?!” *pinches her mom’s arm*

    Customer’s Mother: *meekly* “Yes, they’re for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m still going to have to refuse the sale. Allowing someone to buy cigarettes for a minor is a bad as selling cigarettes to a minor. I could get into a lot of trouble.”

    Teenage Customer: “Oh, f*** you! We’ll just get them someplace else!” *to her mom* “This is your fault!”

    (Suddenly, a uniformed police officer appears out of nowhere. Apparently, he has witnessed the whole exchange from nearby.)

    Police Officer: “Could I have a word with you, ladies?”

    (I don’t know what happened to the mother and daughter, but I never saw them in the store again. The police officer reported the whole incident to my manager and I got a promotion!)

    This We’ll Defend

    | NC, USA | Awesome Customers, Military, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Note: I’m a female and I’m waiting for my girlfriend to get off work, and the person who was supposed to relieve her is running late, so I’m hanging around. My girlfriend is hair under five feet tall, and maybe 90 pounds. She’s really little and people try and intimidate her a lot because of this.)

    My Girlfriend: “I’m sorry. It should be like half an hour.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (A customer shoulders past me and shoves an item in my girlfriend’s face.)

    Male Customer: “This place f***ing ripped me off!”

    My Girlfriend: “What’s the problem, sir?”

    Male Customer: “Don’t play with me, you stupid b****! I bought this and it won’t work!”

    My Girlfriend: “Sir, may I see the item?”

    Male Customer: *shoves it at her*

    My Girlfriend: “Sir, this didn’t come from our store.”

    Male Customer: “You callin’ me a liar, you stupid b****?!”

    My Girlfriend: “Of course not, but this package has a label that clearly has the name of our competitor on it.”

    Male Customer: “So, I bought it here!”

    My Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, sir, but no, you didn’t.”

    (At this point, another customer, who is a fairly petite woman, is standing behind him. She looks a little concerned. Without warning, the male customer takes a swing at my girlfriend.)

    Male Customer: “You stupid c***! Do your d*** job and give me a f***ing refund!”

    (Thankfully my girlfriend steps out of reach of the customer’s swing. However, the petite woman behind him suddenly surges forward, and in one swift movement twists his arm behind his back and slams his face down on the counter.)

    Petite Woman: *to my girlfriend* “Honey, you may want to call 911.”

    My Girlfriend: *stunned* “O-Okay…”

    Me: *to the male customer* “Jesus Christ, what the h*** is the matter with you, you freaking pyscho?!”

    Male Customer: “Get the f*** off me!”

    (In response, the petite woman wrenches his arm behind him further. The male customer wails.)

    Male Customer: “You can’t do that! You’re just a woman!”

    Petite Woman: “Army Strong, a**hole. If you want to walk away with your arm not broken, I’d stop struggling.”

    (The male customer stops struggling when he realizes that she isn’t going to let go anytime soon. The police show up in less than five minutes. They get everyone’s statements and view the security video. The manager finally meanders out; he’s a man who is useless in every sense of the word. He also doesn’t like my girlfriend because she’s dating me, a girl.)

    My Girlfriend’s Manager: “What is all this about?

    Police Officer: “Sir, this man just attempted to attack your employee.”

    My Girlfriend’s Manager: “Oh.”

    Petite Woman:That’s all you have to say?” *to my girlfriend* “Honey, you want to press charges?”

    My Girlfriend’s Manager: “Oh, that won’t be necessary.”

    (The petite woman whirls on my girlfriend’s manager, and he actually takes a step backwards.)

    Petite Woman: “I wasn’t talking to you. Believe me when I tell you, your boss will be hearing about what little concern you have for your employees!”

    My Girlfriend’s Manager: *slinks off*

    (Meanwhile, the police finish arresting the man and explain to my girlfriend how she can press charges.)

    Me: *to the petite woman* “Excuse me, Miss?”

    Petite Woman: “Yes?”

    Me: “Thank you. You defended my girlfriend. So many people wouldn’t have done anything. Would it be alright if I could have your name?”

    Petite Woman: *smiles* “You’re welcome. You guys look cute together. And my name is Angel.”

    (With that, she leaves without buying anything. Three days later, my girlfriend’s unhelpful manager was fired. An Angel indeed!)

    Beyond Help

    | Brooklyn, NY, USA | At The Checkout

    (I’m at the pharmacy picking up some toothpaste, and I overhear two women standing behind on line.)

    Customer #1: “Uh God, this is so slow.”

    Customer #2: “I know, and I hate these self check-out things. I wish they would have a cashier, a real cashier, just one, for those of us who don’t want to use these things.”

    Me: “Ma’am. They do a have a cashier. She’s right over there. See those people?”

    (I point to the side of the store where a cashier is checking out customers.)

    Customer #2: “I don’t want to walk way over there!”

    Nothing Outlasts The Criticizer

    | Gulfport, MS, USA | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “I want to return these batteries.”

    (She puts an opened pack of batteries on the counter.)

    Me: “Oh, so they didn’t work?”

    Customer: “Yeah, they worked for a few weeks, but now they’e broken. They’re not supposed to expire until 2015!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s a ‘best if used by’ date, not an expiration date.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “Batteries die. It’s just saying that you should use them before this date, not that they will last for 3 years.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to buy more batteries?!”

    Low On Sense

    | Gulfport, MS, USA | Money

    (I am a cashier. When customers are polite, I have no problem letting them slide on few cents when they are short on change.)

    Me: “That’ll be $20.96.”

    Customer: “I got $20!”

    (He roughly slaps a $20 bill on the counter.)

    Me: “Um, it’s $20.96.”

    Customer: “I got a hundred.”

    Me: “Okay, I can break it.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s at my house. What am I supposed to do, go get it?! Just cover it, s***! It’s a couple cents!”

    (I make minimum wage and can barely make ends meet. I also don’t open my wallet for rude strangers.)

    Me: “It’s $0.96, so I’m not going to just give you a dollar. Do you want to put something back?”

    (I start taking items out of his bag to show him what he can put back.)

    Customer: “I need all that stuff!”

    Me: “You need two packs of cigarettes?”

    Customer: “Put the soup back, s***!”

    (I void his soup, ring up the rest of his items, and give him his change.)

    Customer: *as he’s leaving, sarcastically* “Thanks for your hospitality!”

    Me: “You’re welcome! Have a nice day!”

    (After he leaves, my coworker comes over.)

    Coworker: *laughing* “What were you supposed to do, pay him for being an a**hole?”

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