(I used to work at this drugstore store before I left to have my child; note that the bathrooms have a lock on them to avoid theft. This take place almost two years after I’ve gone. I’ve stopped in to have lunch with a former coworker, and have my daughter in a stroller when a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “You! I need to be let into the bathroom.”

Me: *confused* “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to let me in?!”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen you here before!”

Me: “Well, I used to work here, but that was almost two years ago.”

Customer: “So, are you going to let me in?”

Me: “I can’t. I don’t know the code.”

Customer: “But you work here!”

Me: “Sir, no I don’t. I haven’t worked here in almost two years. They change the codes every six months.”

Customer: “You’re just being lazy and don’t want to work!”

Me: “Why would I be at work with my kid?”

Customer: “Don’t play games with me. Just open the d*** door!”

(At this point, an assistant manager who I know walks over.)

Assistant Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! This lazy b**** won’t do her d*** job and open the bathroom up!”

Assistant Manager: “She doesn’t work here, and you need to watch how you speak to people.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Assistant Manager: “Now I have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT!”

Assistant Manager: “Yeah, I can. The bathroom is for paying customers only.”

Customer: “Then I’ll buy something!”

Assistant Manager: “That ship has sailed. I suggest you go next door to the fast food restaurant.”

Customer: “I’LL SUE YOU!”

Me: “For what exactly? Badgering another customer because you have some delusion that we are keeping the bathroom all to ourselves?”

Customer:“You can’t talk to me like that! I DEMAND she be fired!”

Assistant Manager: “You want me to fire someone who doesn’t work here?”

Customer: “WHY WON’T ANY OF YOU DO YOUR JOBS?!” *runs out of the store, screaming about the bathroom*

Related:
I Don’t Work Here Does Not Work Here, Part 2
I Don’t Work Here Does Not Work Here

(It’s a very busy day at our drugstore. A customer comes to my register after waiting a very long time in line.)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything okay today?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager immediately!”

Me: “Is there something I could help you with?”

Customer: “No, I want to speak with your manager now!”

(I page the manager, and mentally prepare myself for whatever argument this customer is about to unleash.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I need to tell you… I was in here yesterday and this man was just screaming at your employees. Nothing would stop him, he was so angry! They were all trying to be so helpful and he just kept screaming! You should be incredibly proud of your employees! They handled themselves so well and never once argued back!”

(She put a smile on all of our faces. When her transaction was finished, she told me to keep the change!)

Related:
Good News For (A Heckuva Lot Of) Change

(A female customer is looking at the perfume display.)

Customer: “Excuse me, it says that this smaller bottle of [brand] perfume is the same price as this larger bottle of [brand] perfume. But they are the same product.”

Me: “Actually, this larger one is men’s cologne and this smaller one is women’s perfume.”

Customer: “No, no, they’re both for women. You’re looking at the wrong one.”

Me: “No, ma’am, if you look right here, this larger one says ‘por homme’ on it. That means ‘for men’.”

Customer: “No, they’re both for women. See how this one is light blue? That means for girls.”

Me: *giving up* “My mistake, ma’am.”

(On the bright side, the next time she came in, she smelled like a man.)

(On the overnight shift we are not allowed to open the safe. To make sure we have cash in our drawers, we put signs on all our debit card readers saying ‘No Cashback’.)

Me: “Your total comes to $15.97.”

(The customer hands me a 20 dollar bill, then reads the ‘No Cashback’ sign.)

Customer: “So, I’m not going to get my change back?”

Me: “Yes. Yes you are.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Good.”

(The following is what I overhear after I let a customer use the store phone.)

Customer: “Come on, pick up the phone! You in a d*** wheelchair, I know you’re there! I left you upstairs for a reason!”