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    Probably Wears Diapers

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me… HEY! Excuse me.”

    Me: “How may I help you sir?”

    Customer: “I need you to find a battery for my Timex.”

    Me: “You are standing next to our entire selection. If it isn’t there, we don’t have it.”

    Customer: “How do I know which one it is?”

    Me: “Didn’t you bring the watch with you?”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Well, sometimes it is stamped on the back cover.”

    Customer: “I can’t decipher this. Can you open the watch and check?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t offer that service.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “I mean, we don’t offer that service. I have neither the tools nor the training to work on your watch.”

    Customer: “But you sell the batteries!”

    Me: “Yes, we do. I’ll gladly help check that you are buying the right one, but I won’t work on your watch.”

    Customer: “But you sell the batteries! You HAVE to put it in for me!”

    Me: “Sir, I could also sell you toilet paper, but you would still have to do the wiping yourself…”

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (The store in question was very small: eight aisles, total, in a nice, easy-to-see square configuration.)

    Customer: “Where are your batteries?”

    Me: “Aisle 3.”

    Customer: “Where?”

    Me: “Aisle 3…” ¬†*points* “… just behind you.”

    Customer: “Oh. Which one is aisle three?”

    Me: “The one with the ’3′ on it, sir. ¬†In between aisles two and four.”

    Customer: “Thanks!” *wanders off into aisle 2*

    Boss: “Don’t do that again.”

    Some Questions Should Never Be Answered

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, before your photos were printed the technician noticed that they have a *ahem* content which we cannot print.”

    Customer: “This is because I was nude, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Well, that wasn’t the deciding factor in itself.”

    Customer: “Are you saying that there is something wrong with the human body? That it is obscene?”

    Me: “No, I cannot comment on that. But the use of certain… toys… in your photography did cross our line.”

    Customer: “Well? What are you going to do for me?”

    Me: “While I am forbidden to make and sell you the photos, the negatives are still yours. You can have them once you pay the processing fee.”

    Customer: “Hmmmpph! Well, you can at least tell me how I looked!”

    I Just Called To Say I Hate You

    | Hammond, LA, USA |

    (This conversation happened a week after Hurricane Katrina; the store was understaffed, we had more customers than we could handle, and prescriptions were taking 4-6 days to get filled. I also had a long line at the front of the store and was the only cashier up front.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I just want to let you know how angry I am right now.”

    Me: “Well, what is the problem, ma’am? ”

    Customer: “I brought a prescription in four days ago and it still isn’t ready.”

    Me: “Ok, well hold on while I transfer your call to our pharmacy.”

    Customer: “No! I already spoke with them and they said there was nothing they could do right now.”

    Me: “Alright ma’am, well I can transfer you to one of my managers.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to talk to them, I just want to let y’all know how angry I am right now.”

    Me: “Look, I understand, would you like me to transfer you to a manager or the pharmacy?”

    Customer: “I already told you no! I just want to let you know how mad I am right now and that I will not be shopping in your store again.”

    Me: “Look lady, they pay me $6.00 an hour. I honestly don’t care, but I will be more than happy to transfer you to someone who might! I am the only cashier and have a very long line, I don’t have time for this!”

    Customer: “I just called to tell you–”

    Me: *click*

    Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

    | Cottage Grove, MN, USA |

    (It was in between Halloween and Christmas and we were changing the promotional aisle and switching stuff out. ¬†There was literally nothing in the aisle but folded down cardboard boxes, and signs were up saying “temporary out of order”.)

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Okay, is everything alright?”

    Customer: “No, I was walking down the aisle with cardboard and I fell. I am blaming you!”

    Me: “I didn’t make you walk down the aisle… didn’t you see the sign?”

    Customer: “I needed something down that aisle! I am going to have you fired for your rude attitude!”

    (I call the manager on the PA system.)

    Customer: “You’re going to be in trouble!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I fell down in the aisle with cardboard boxes. It’s all this kid’s fault.”

    Manager: “You shouldn’t have walked down the aisle, then. I suggest you leave before I call the police for harassing one of my employees.”

    Customer: *faking she’s in pain* “I don’t believe this! I am going to call the corporate office!”

    Manager: “Right after I call the police.” *walks away to “call the police”*

    Me: “You got him mad. He is a mean one when he is mad.”

    Customer: “Really?”

    Me: “Oh yeah!”

    Customer: ‘Um… I have to get my cell phone out of the car.” *leaves quickly*

    (She never returned.)


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