(Our store serves mostly older customers and families. We promote a very friendly atmosphere, calling customers ‘hon’ and the like. An older customer comes in for a coffee.)

Me: “Hi welcome to—”

Customer: “I want a large hot coffee, with two creamers, and six sugars, and nothing else. And I want the senior discount.”

Me: “Of course. After your discount, it comes to $2.06.”

Customer: “Add the senior discount.”

Me: “I already did, ma’am. Before the discount it was $2.29.”

(The customer gestures to another customer.)

Customer: “He got his for less. Why are you overcharging me?”

Me: “He works here; it’s just his day off. The employee discount is different than the senior discount.”

Customer: “Well, okay. So I owe you $1.73?”

Me: “No, $2.06. The $1.73 on your screen is before tax. Right below that you should see $2.06.”

Customer: “Thirty cents in taxes!?! I’m not paying that much!”

Me: “I can’t control how much tax is ma’am. Here, how about I buy your coffee today.”

Customer: “Two creamers, six sugars.”

(I make her coffee, and she takes it outside. Less than two minutes later, she returns, fuming.)

Customer: “This is so bitter!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can add some sugar for you.”

Customer: “How many did you put in?”

Me: “Six.”

Customer: “I only want six. Don’t put any more in.”

Me: “Okay, would you like non-sugar sweetener?”

Customer: “No! Just make my coffee sweeter!”

Me: “Hun, I don’t know how to make your coffee sweeter without adding anything to it.”

Customer: “I want a refund! You’re terrible!”

Me: “Your coffee was free. I can’t give you a refund on something free.”

Customer: “I want my money back! Get me your manager!”

(I got my manager, explaining everything. Eventually she ended up giving the customer a voucher for two free coffees, but not before I was called a “stupid, fat c***”.)

Customer: “I’d like to buy a dozen donuts.”

Me: “Sure! What kind would you like?”

Customer: “What kind do you have?”

Me: “Sir, all of our donuts are on display behind me, with labels in front of them. You can have a look, and tell me what you would like.”

Customer: “I can read! I want you to tell me what kind of donuts you sell! That’s your job!”

(I turn around, and proceed to read each label aloud. My coworker at the ice cream counter watches and snickers. The man waits until I have read every label, and then makes his selections.)

Me: “Will that be all?”

Customer: “Do you have muffins?”

(I gesture to the shelves full of muffins.)

Me: “Yes, we have a variety of muffins.”

Customer: “What kind?”

(My coworker chokes with laughter. I turn around again, and read the muffin labels. When I finish, the man selects two muffins.)

Me: “Will that be all?”

Customer: “I think I’ll have some ice cream, too.”

Me: “Okay! I’ll ring up your items here, and then you can go and make your selections at the ice cream counter.”

(The man completes his order, then goes over to the ice cream section. My coworker is still giggling with his back to the counter, and hasn’t seen the customer yet.)

Customer: “What kind of ice cream do you have?”

Coworker: *stops giggling*

(I am a customer in line behind one man and one woman. The employees at this shop all have fairly heavy accents, but speak perfectly understandable English. However, they do converse amongst themselves in Spanish.)

Female Customer: *turns around* “What is the matter with these people? Why the h*** can’t they just speak English the way God intended?”

(The other customer and I raise our eyebrows at each other.)

Male Customer: “What makes you think God intended people to speak English?

Female Customer: “Well, the Bible is in English, duh!”

(This happens around Easter. A man in an Easter Bunny suit comes riding a unicycle into the parking lot and enters the shop.)

Me: “Hey there, Easter Bunny!”

Easter Bunny: “Donuts? Sick! I’ll have three strawberry, three cherry, and three blueberry, glazed, and with frosting and sprinkles!”

Me: *hands him the bag* “Anything else?”

Easter Bunny: “Nah! Donuts! Sick!”

(The Easter Bunny suddenly SLAMS his head on the counter, which would have been quite painful if not for the headpiece on his costume. An egg rolls out seemingly from nowhere and onto the counter. He walks out without another word, hops onto his unicycle and rides off. The egg contained exact change—plus a labeled five dollar tip!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

(Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

(The caller gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”