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    Survival Of The Fittest In Action

    | Schenectady, NY, USA |

    Me:¬†”Hello, this is Dr. ***’s office. Can I help you?”

    Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

    Me:¬†”I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

    Patient: “Yeah, check.¬†I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

    Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

    Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!’”

    Me: “… a guy at the bar?”

    Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills and it really helped.”

    Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

    Patient: “Yeah, it really helped and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout.¬†So is there an injection?”

    Me: “Hold, please.”

    (At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and explain to her the situation. ¬†She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

    Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

    Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

    Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

    Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

    Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

    Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

    Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

    Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

    Me: “Oh. My.¬†God.”

    If The Shoe Fits…

    | Santa Rosa, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedic office. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE!”

    Me: “I’m sorry? This is **** Ortho–”

    Caller: “No it isn’t! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn’t supposed to have boys over!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “NO I DON’T.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid–”

    Caller: “You better be! I’m on my way home RIGHT NOW and god help you if you’re still there!”

    (By this point we have several calls waiting to be answered. My supervisor signals me to transfer the call to them so I can get back to my job.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I assure you this is a medical office. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?”

    Caller: *dripping with sarcasm* “Oh suuuure! Put me through to your supervisor!”

    Supervisor: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedics, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!”

    (It took several minutes for my supervisor to get the woman off the phone, after which she called three more times…)

    Bridezilla On Line 1

    , | High Desert, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor's office], how can I help you?”

    Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

    Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

    Me: “Okay, hold please.”

    (I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

    Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

    Lady: “12-21-1969.”

    (I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)

    Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

    Lady: “NO!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

    (She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches Lori Smith.)

    Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘Lori Smith’.”

    Lady: “That’s not me.”

    Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

    Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

    Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

    Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

    Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

    They Don’t Have Faucets Where They’re From

    | Las Cruces, NM, USA |

    (We have people wash their hands when they have to take out or put in contact lenses. Only one knob works for the faucet so we removed the other knob)

    Customer: “How do you turn this?” *grabs at the stump where the knob was removed*

    Me: “You use the other one.”


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