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  • They Call Me Doctor DIY

    , , | New Jersey, USA |

    (We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

    Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

    Me: “Clockwise.”

    Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

    Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

    Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

    Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

    Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

    Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

    Doctor: “What was that?”

    Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

    Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

    Me: “Great. All finished?”

    (The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

    Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

    Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

    It’s Called Healthyitis

    | Maine, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for waiting, my name is Megan. What is your call regarding?”

    Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

    Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

    Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

    Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

    Patient: “Actually, none.”

    Me: “… you are experiencing no symptoms?”

    Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

    He’ll Raise The Dead And Validate Your Parking

    , | Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (A woman comes in to my clinic with her 6-year-old daughter and approaches the receptionist.)

    Customer: “Hi, I need my daughter’s eyes fixed.”

    Employee: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “My daughter. She’s blind. I need you to fix it.”

    Employee: “Oh, um…is she totally blind? Can’t see a thing? How about light?”

    Customer: “No, she’s completely blind.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t think we can help you. How long has she been this way?”

    Customer: “Oh, all her life. She was born blind.”

    Employee: “…why didn’t you look for help earlier?”

    Customer: “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILDREN, MISSY!”

    (After listening in on the conversation, I decide step in.)

    Me: “Is there a problem here?”

    Customer: *pulls her daughter’s arm* “Yes. My daughter is blind and you need to fix it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing we can do. We don’t treat things like that here.”

    Customer: “NO! You call yourself an eye doctor! You must be able to fix her, and you WILL!”

    Me: “Like I said, I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Well, god**** you all to h***! I’m going somewhere that will actually help us!”

    Me: “Ask Jesus, I heard he was good at that.”

    Customer: *storms out*

    Customer Of The Week: They’re Crazy

    | Ottawa, Canada | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: They're Crazy
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    Deranged Decades

    , | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    (I used to work summers for my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

    Me: “Good morning, Dr. ***’s Office, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. ***. Can I speak with him?”

    Me: “Sorry, he’s with a patient right now but if you give me your information, I’ll set up an appointment for you. Are you currently a patient of Dr. ***?”

    Caller: “Yes, I was a guinea pig of his when he did lithium experiments on me back in the 1940′s.”

    Me: “Um… I think you got your dates wrong. Dr. *** wasn’t born at that time.”

    Caller: “Oh, then in the 1950′s. It was in the 1950′s and he and the government were running secret experiments on me at that time.”

    Me: “I doubt that, he would have just been a young child at that time.”

    Caller: “Then it was the 1960′s, d*** it! It was at the [hospital] in Alberta in the 1960′s.”

    Me: “Dr. *** has never practiced in Alberta. He wasn’t even living in Canada at that time.”

    Caller: “Are you calling me a LIAR?”

    Me: “Well, considering that Dr. *** is my dad, I think I’ll take my word over yours.”

    Caller: “Well, then we can’t do business. No, we can’t do any business. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

    Me: “Wow…”

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