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    Zombies Need Healthcare Too

    | South Bend, IN, USA |

    (I am on the phone.)

    Me: “Dermatology, how may I help you?”

    Patient: “Hi, I just had an autopsy done. I’d like to know my results.”

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    Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

    High Cholesterol, Low IQ

    | Traverse City, MI, USA | Health & Body, Politics

    Patient: “We need to schedule a surgery.”

    Me: *looking over the patient’s chart* “Surgery? For what, ma’am?”

    Patient: “The doctor said I had high cholesterol. And I want him to go in and cut it out. Take it all, I say.”

    Me: “He can’t just go in and remove the cholesterol. There are ways that you can lower your cholesterol.”

    Patient: “Don’t lie to me. There’s cholesterol free food. I’ve seen it. Someone has to go into the food and take it out, now don’t they? You just don’t want me to use my free health care. You probably voted for McCain!”

    Me: “Let me see if I can reach the doctor.”

    Paperwork Doesn’t Take A Huge Leap (Year)

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Health & Body

    Me: “Okay, I’m just going to give you some paperwork to fill out.”

    Patient: “Paperwork? Again? I fill it out every single time I come here!”

    Me: “Well, it looks to me as if the last time you were seen here was over four years ago.”

    Patient: “So what? Nothing has changed since then!”

    Me: “Alright. So, do you still have [type of medical insurance]?”

    Patient: “Oh, no. I uh, switched insurances. Oh, and I moved too.”

    Me: “So there have been some changes in the last four years? Then you’ll need to update your paperwork.”

    Patient: *snatches papers from my hand* “Well obviously things have changed. It’s been four whole years since I’ve been here, you know!”

    Not A Fan Of Spin Doctors

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (I work the front desk at a doctor’s office, and one of the doctors fancies himself a musician. We give out a free copy of his CD when patients check in.)

    Patient: “What is this?”

    Me: “Dr. *** is a musician and he recorded an album. We’re giving it as a free gift to our patients.”

    Patient: “It’s free?”

    Me: “Yes, sir!”

    Patient: “But there’s a price on the back. It says $5.99.”

    Me: “That’s because it is also sold in a few local music
    stores. But we’re giving it free to patients as a thank you gift.”

    Patient: “What are you thanking me for?”

    Me: “For being a loyal patient?”

    Patient: “And all patients get them?”

    Me: “Yes. all patients.”

    (The patient looks around the room at the other two patients.)

    Patient: “They don’t have CDs!”

    Me: “They haven’t checked in yet. When they do, I’ll give them a CD.”

    (The patient sits down, but comes back up while I’m helping the next patient. I haven’t given her the CD yet.)

    Patient, to other patient: “Did you get a free CD?”

    Other patient: “Uh…no.”

    Patient, to me: “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you clearly gave this to me because you have feelings for me, and I’m just not interested. I think it’s really inappropriate for you to come on to me when I’m here to see the doctor, and you’ve made me very uncomfortable. Please cancel my appointment.”

    (I should mention that this guy was clearly out of my age and weight range. That, and I work for a proctologist.)

    Never Too Sick To Complain

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [clinic]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I got this herbal colon cleanser from you. Does it have pork in it? I don’t eat pork, so I can’t have it if it has pork.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m not sure, but since it is an herbal supplement I would assume it has no pork. If you are really concerned, you can call the number on the bottle and ask them. I’m looking at the bottle and it says 100% vegan.”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t call the company. I’m sick! I’m so sick, I can’t use a phone!”

    Me: “Well, it says vegan on the bottle, but I can call the company myself if you want.”

    Customer: “Well, DO IT! I’m a sick lady, and I don’t do pork!”

    (I call the company and find out the supplement has no pork. I call the customer back.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. There are no pork or animal products in this supplement.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t really care! I’m too sick to care! I can’t poop!” *hangs up*


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