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    Needs To Get Their Education Straight

    | Williston, SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Top

    (I am waiting on my mom to get out of her doctor’s appointment. I overhear a conversation between a 17-year-old patient and the doctor.)

    Patient: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MIGHT BE PREGNANT?!”

    Doctor: “Well, ma’am, you said you haven’t been having your period, and you have been having sex with your boyfriend, so it is highly possible.”

    Patient: “But I’m a lesbian! I can’t get pregnant!”

    Doctor: “Oh? I apologize. I thought you said you had a boyfriend. Well then, we should try other tests. And I apologize to you and your girlfriend.”

    Patient: “Ew, what? I do have a boyfriend! Why would I date a girl?”

    Doctor: “Then you aren’t a lesbian. And you are probably pregnant.”

    Patient: “I am a lesbian! My mom told my boyfriend and I that she wished I was a lesbian so I wouldn’t get pregnant. My boyfriend and I decided that I was a lesbian, so mom wouldn’t have to worry.”

    Doctor: “Miss, that is not how it works, and not what she meant.”

    Patient: “Screw you! I know my mom better then you do. You just lost a patient since you don’t even know lesbians can’t get pregnant!” *storms out*

    Why Nurses Should Rule The World

    | TX, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Top

    (My 5-year-old son has received a serious injury to his eye. After a pediatrician recommends us to an eye doctor, we are referred to a specialist that works out of a university two hours away from home.)

    Nurse: “These are all the contact numbers you should need. I also went online for some directions, and called ahead to let them know it should only be a few hours.”

    My Son: “I don’t want to.”

    Nurse: “What’s the matter?”

    My Son: *visibly getting upset* “I’m scared.”

    Nurse: “But you’ve been so brave this whole time! How about this: if you go see the new doctor, I’ll give you my phone number and you can call me if you get too upset, okay?”

    (The nurse writes down her work extension and cell phone number on a piece of paper and adds it to my paperwork, insisting that I feel free to call if I have any problems or questions. My son stays calm all the way to the university and through the appointment with the specialist until we’re told he’s going to need surgery. Crying and upset, he begs me to call the nurse from the clinic.)

    Me: *on the phone* “I’m so sorry to bother you, I know you’re still working, but he’s really upset and asked to talk to you.”

    (I put the phone on speakerphone so my son, crying on the exam table, can hear.)

    Nurse: “Hey buddy! What’s wrong?”

    My Son: *crying* “The doctor here wants to give me surgery!”

    Nurse: “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’ll make your eye all better. You’ll be able to see again, like we talked about.”

    My Son: “But I’m scared! It’s going to hurt!”

    Nurse: “Of course it’s not going to hurt. That nice doctor wouldn’t hurt you!”

    My Son: “Have you been given surgeries?”

    Nurse: “Yeah kiddo, a few.”

    My Son: “And you came back to life?”

    Nurse: “Every single time.”

    My Son: “Promise?”

    Nurse: “Swear.”

    (My son has calmed down considerably throughout the conversation, and there’s not a dry eye in the room.)

    My Son: “…Okay…”

    Nurse: “See? I knew you were brave.”

    My Son: “Thank you! Love you!”

    Nurse: *laughing* “Love you, too.”

    (I thanked the nurse a thousand times, and she insisted I call her ASAP to let her know how the surgery goes. Later that day, she texted us a picture of herself and her family with a ‘GET WELL SOON’ sign they made for my son!)

    Related:
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    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2
    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

    You’re Welcome, Custer Mer

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Language & Words, Top

    (An older gentleman calls our doctor’s office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for. We talk at length about what is going to be done and why it was going to be done.)

    Patient: “I’m sorry to have so many questions.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.”

    (I answer several more questions.)

    Me: “Okay, Mr. [name]. I hope I have been able to help.”

    Patient: “Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.”

    Going Native

    | Kansas City, KS, USA | History

    (We have our patients review their insurance/contact information before their visit roughly once a year. This ensures that everything that we have on file is up-to-date.)

    Old Man: *looks over information* “There’s something on here that I want to change.”

    Old Man’s Wife: “Honey, our address and phone number have been the same for 20 years. What could you want to change?”

    Old Man: “Right here where it says ‘Caucasian,’ it should say ‘Native American.’”

    Old Man’s Wife: “Why would it need to say ‘Native American?’ You’re not an Indian, honey. You were born in Kentucky.”

    Old Man: “Yeah, I was born in Kentucky. Kentucky is in America. I was born in America. That makes me a NATIVE American!” *shakes head*

    Happy Order-Dependence Day

    | Great Neck, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Holidays

    (A patient wants to reschedule their appointment. Since she’s said she’s unavailable at every time I’ve given her, I suggest she let me know when she’s available.)

    Patient: “How about July 4th? I could come in at 1:00.”

    Me: “Well, we’re closed for the holiday.”

    Patient: “What holiday? There’s no holiday then!

    (Before I can answer, she figures it out.)

    Patient: “Oh…wait. July 4th must be the 4th of July!”

    Related:
    The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One


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