I am working in the kitchen utensils department, and a couple approaches me.

Wife: “Hi, I’m looking for a good fish slice. I only used mine to scoop pizza, but for some reason, it keeps getting scratched.

(Editor’s note: a “fish slice” is a spatula, usually metal, with slots in it.)

Me: “We have some good-quality ranges here, ma’am.”

I show the couple the range, and the husband’s eyes go wide.

Husband: “That’s what a fish slice is?! I thought it was something else!”

Wife: “No, it’s always been… Wait, have you been using it?”

Husband: “Well… I thought it was for something else.”

Wife: “What have you been using it for?”

Husband: “I’ve… been using it to scrape the limescale from the bathroom.”

Wife: “But… we have limescale remover… and… and this thing is in our kitchen! What would make you think it’s a bloody limescale remover?!”

Husband: “The limescale remover is in the kitchen, too!”

Wife: “Oh, so you know we have a dedicated limescale remover, but you still used the bloody fish slice to scrape at it? That wouldn’t even bloody work!”

Husband: “Don’t shout at me because you don’t keep the kitchen organised!”

This was going to go on for a while, so I slowly walked away. At least we solved the mystery of why her fish slice kept getting scratched!

I still remember a funny story my mom told me about way back when I was maybe two or three years old, in 1986 or ‘87.

My parents were at a department store shopping for a new TV, and I was with them. The salesman was showing them a TV where all the controls were hidden behind a panel that looked like one of the speakers along the side of the TV; you had to press the panel door to open and access the controls.

Salesman: *Boasting very proudly* “This design is ingenious for folks like you two who have young children! Little kids like this one would never be able to figure out how to open that panel!”

As he was going on about this remarkable feat of 1980s electronics engineering, my mother set me down, and I toddled right on up to the unit in question and IMMEDIATELY opened the supposedly hidden panel, bypassing what the salesman thought was some labyrinthine construct to tiny minds like my own. It just COMPLETELY took the wind out of his sails.

My parents still liked the TV overall, though, and still ended up buying it.

Related:
Dogs Will Make Liars Of You Every Time
Kids Will Make Liars Of You Every Time

It’s around 2006. I work in a department store. I have the day off, and school is starting soon, so I take my kids to the store to find some good buys. I am dressed in a tank top and shorts.

I am in the children’s department, and my kids are trying on clothes. They hand me the ones they want, and I put them by the register. The woman working in that department tells me she needs to use the restroom and she’ll be right back.

My kids make their final choices and I put them by the register. I am waiting for the woman to get back so she can check us out. I hear a man’s voice say, “Hey!” I turn around and there’s a man standing behind me.

Me: “I’m sorry, am I in your way? The lady who works here stepped away and will be back soon.”

Customer: “I need to check this out.”

Me: “The lady that works here stepped away and she will be back soon.”

Customer: “No, I want you to check me out. I know you work here. I just saw you behind the register.”

Me: “No, sir, I can’t check you out. I do work here, but this is my day off and I am shopping with my kids.”

Customer: “So? You are still an employee; it doesn’t matter if it’s your day off.”

Me: “Actually, yes, it does. I am not scheduled to work today, and I am not clocked in. It’s against policy to work off the clock.” 

Customer: “Just ring me up!”

I tell the kids we are going to the food court to get lunch, and we walk away from the man.

Customer: “Hey, where are you going? You need to ring me up!”

Me: “Well, unless you are paying me for my time, then I won’t be helping you.”

I come back thirty minutes later and go to get the clothes from the children’s department, and the lady working there stops me.

Employee: “You’ll never guess what just happened.”

Me: “What?”

Employee: “A man was complaining about an employee not wanting to ring him up, and he asked for the manager.”

She then tells me that about the conversation that happened when the manager came over.

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Your employee would not ring me up.”

My manager looks over at the lady employee.

Customer: “No, not her. This one was blonde.”

Manager: “I’m afraid that we don’t have a blonde employee that works in this department.”

Customer: “Yes, you do. She was wearing shorts, and she had two kids with her.”

Manager: “It sounds like you mistook a customer for an employee.”

Customer: “No, she said it was her day off, and she said she couldn’t ring me up because she was not on the clock.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but if you did encounter an employee of ours, and they were off the clock, they would not be able to ring you up.”

Customer: “No, if they are an employee, they are an employee at all times.”

Manager: “No, company policy says that if they’re not clocked in, they cannot work.”

Customer: “That’s stupid!”

Manager: “Sir, where do you work?”

Customer: “I am an assistant manager at a restaurant.”

Manager: “Okay, well, if you went in to eat at your restaurant on your day off, and a customer asked you to cook his food for him, would you do it?”

Customer: “No, I would not! I am not working that day or getting paid for it, so why would I?”

Manager: “Exactly my point.”

Customer: “She still could have rung me up!”

Manager: “Sorry, sir. We do not want your business. Please leave and don’t come back.”

I regret ever saying that it was my off day. If anyone ever asked again, I just would tell them I don’t work here. 

Related:
I Do Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 4
I Do Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 3
I Do Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 2
I Do Work Here, Does Not Work Here

About fifteen years ago, I was hired to work at a large department store. I went in on a Friday to complete some paperwork. Human Resources advised me that I would start that coming Monday, and I would be training with [Associate]. I was also advised to be at the store at around 9:45 for the morning meeting with the store manager, and I would get to meet my department manager and the associate training me. 

I showed up on time for the meeting eager to meet everyone. After the five-minute-or-so meeting, I introduced myself to the store manager, and he in turn introduced me to the department manager. 

The department manager looked shocked for a minute.

Department Manager: “I didn’t realize I had a new employee. I saw your name on the schedule and thought you were a floater.”

Me: “Oh, that’s okay. I was told I would be training with [Associate].”

Department Manager: “Well, since I thought you were a floater, I changed [Associate] to come in this afternoon at 2:00 instead of 9:45.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Who will be training me, then?”

Department Manager: “Well, I don’t have anyone who can train you this morning.”

Me: “Would you like for me to come in at 2:00?”

Department Manager: “Um, no. I may just have to train you. Go to the cash office, get the cash bag, and go down to the department, and I will be there before the store opens to help you.”

I did what he said and then waited for him. Then, the customers started coming in and approached my register with returns. I explained that it was my first day and I was waiting for my trainer. Most of the customers were really nice and went to seek help at another register. 

I waited for about ten more minutes and still no [Department Manager]. I started looking around the store for another employee and found no one. I couldn’t open the register, so I had no choice but to carry the cash bag with me. I didn’t know how to page anyone. 

So, I went back to the cash office and informed the lady working there what was going on. She paged [Department Manager]. 

Cash Office Lady: “I just spoke to [Department Manager]. He said he forgot about you. He’s on his way now to help you.”

I thanked her and rushed back downstairs stairs to wait for [Department Manager]. It was now 10:15.

I waited and waited. He never showed up. More customers approached me, and I felt bad that I had to turn them away. 

At 10:35, I started walking around the store again, the cash bag clenched tightly in my hand. I still couldn’t find another associate. “Where have they all gone?” I wondered. 

I went back to [Cash Office Lady], and she looked puzzled that I was back. 

Me: “[Department Manager] never showed up to help me.”

Cash Office Lady: “Are you serious? All the department managers just went into the Managers’ Monday 10:45 meeting. They may be in there for a while.”

Me: “Is there someone who can help me?”

Cash Office Lady: “I am not sure, but the Human Resources lady is off today. Let me call Betty; she may be able to help.”

I had no idea who Betty was, but I hoped she could help me. 

Cash Office Lady: *On the phone* “Hey, Betty, I have a new employee here, and it’s her first day. [Department Manager] was supposed to help train her today. I think he changed her original trainer’s schedule to later this afternoon. She hasn’t even been able to open her register. She doesn’t even have a login for the registers. Can someone please come help her?”

A couple of minutes pass, and then…

Cash Office Lady: “So, there’s no one who can come help this poor girl. This is crazy. What should I tell her?” *Pauses* “Well, thanks for your help.”

She hung up the phone and turned back to me.

Cash Office Lady: “I am so sorry, but there is no one who can help you. It seems we don’t have enough people here. [Department Manager] has your login for the register. I can’t disturb them in the meeting. I am so confused that [Department Manager] didn’t have you come in later when the other associate would be here to train you. “

Me: “I know. It doesn’t make sense to me, either.”

I was frustrated and annoyed by this whole situation. I decided that I was going to go ahead and quit right then. 

I handed the cash bag to [Cash Office Lady], and I profusely thanked her for helping me. 

Cash Office Lady: “I am sorry to see you go. I don’t blame you, though. [Department Manager] could’ve handled this better. We have a high turnover here anyway. I don’t understand why they don’t teach classes anymore for the new hires so at least they will know something going out onto the floor. It could avoid these kinds of situations. Really, he should have had you come in this afternoon; that would have made the most sense. But what do I know?” *Sighs*

I smiled at her and walked away. 

I thought about calling HR, but it seemed that they hadn’t told the department manager that I was a new hire. I didn’t really want to waste any more of my time with this company; it was too disorganized. 

I was really looking forward to working there until this mess happened.

Our department store is connected to a mall. There is one dude who works in the mall who really wants to date one of our young female coworkers. He doesn’t let the numerous times she has turned him down deter him in the slightest, so he pops by regularly to try and chat with her, ask her out, and be shooed off by her manager.

One day, he comes in to return a sweater. My coworker is working returns and — always mindful of a chance to show how much she does not want to date him — says:

Coworker: “Oh, I’m glad you’re returning that! It is the last one in this area in that size, and my boyfriend’s birthday is next week, and I think he’ll really like it.” 

Suddenly, he decided he just had to keep the sweater despite his numerous complaints about it earlier.