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    Putting The Dire Into Directions

    | Berlin, Germany | Geography

    (My department store doesn’t sell all the ranges of clothes that the chain produces. However, there is another store just 200 meters to the left that I always tell people to go to when they are looking for an item we don’t have.)

    Customer: “Do you have these shoes in [size]?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any in stock, but if you can’t find your size here you could try the other store, which is two hundred meters to the left.”

    Customer: “So, I go out and then to the right?”

    Me: “No, the store is just to the left.”

    Customer: “How far is it?”

    Me: “As I said, just two hundred meters from here.”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to know? I’m from [another big city nearby].”

    Me: “Yeah, but two hundred meters is the same distance in that place as it is here.”

    Customer: *sighing* “This city is just too big for me!”

    This Silver Story Is Pure Gold

    | New York, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Religion

    (A woman is attempting to return some rusted silverware she brought around five years ago from our store. Since it’s no longer on file and I can’t find any information on it, I call my manager, who happens to be both a former priest, and married.)

    Manager: “Okay, ma’am, please understand I can’t return this for its original price as this set is no longer in our system. I can return it for the price of our cheapest on-hand set, though.”

    Customer: “No, I want it for the original price. Nothing less. It was about $90.00, I believe.”

    Manager: “I am sorry ma’am, but I can’t do that on an item that’s over five years old.”

    Customer: “Oh, I think you can.” *she leans over the register and purses her lips* “I’d make it worth your while.”

    Manager: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *smiles seductively* “I’m sure I could find some means of compensating you for such a nice favor.”

    (My manager stares at the woman for several seconds, then pulls out his wallet.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’d like you to have a look at this…”

    (The manager pulls out his ID that shows he’s been ordained.)

    Manager: “Now, I want you to look at this.”

    (He pulls out a picture of him with his wife, while holding up the hand his wedding ring is on.)

    Manager: “Now, I want you to take your cruddy silverware and leave before I call security.”

    Customer: *reels back* “Well, I never! I hope that b**** divorces your a** and takes everything you own, you f***!” *storms out*

    Enough To Make Your Mascara Run

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work at a cosmetics counter at a department store. I notice a customer checking out the mascara display.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find a mascara today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I don’t remember what type of mascara I use, but I need two in black and two in brown.”

    Me: “Okay, how about we take a look at the mascara displayed here? Do any of the names or tubes looks familiar?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t know what it looks like. I know what the package looks like. Can I just look at in the box?”

    Me: “Ma’am, all of the packaging is identical.”

    Customer: “I’ll know the package when I see it! I just need it in black and brown!”

    Me: “Alright, let me go check around in the drawer for you.”

    (After several minutes of searching in the drawer to figure out what type of mascara she is looking for, the customer approaches me, holding out two used tubes of mascara.)

    Customer: “I have the mascara that I use in my purse. Would that help you find it easier?”

    Receipt, Paper, Scissors

    | WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    (I work as a cashier, and when we have no customers in line we move to the front of the lane to greet people and let them know our lane is open. Another cashier and I are at the front of our lanes chatting when a customer comes up.)

    Other Cashier: “Hi, we are both open and can help.”

    Customer: “Well, which of you wants to help me more?”

    Me: “It doesn’t really matter to us.”

    Customer: “Then how about you fight for the honor of checking out my items. You know; a fight to the death?”

    Other Cashier: “We can’t do that.”

    Me: “Yeah, too much blood. It’s a mess to clean up.”

    Customer: “Fair enough. So, how about rock, paper, scissors?”

    (We agree and play rock paper scissors to see who helps the customer. I ultimately lost, but it made the customer happy and was the highlight of the evening!)

    Belly Rubbed And Snubbed

    | MI, USA | At The Checkout, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a department store as a cashier. I also have a medical condition where I must take a heavy amount of steroids, and a side effect of this is that I’m a bit chunky. I’m ringing up a customer.)

    Me: “Hi, did you find everything okay?”

    Customer: “Oh, my dear, how can they force a woman in your condition to stand at a cash register all day? Your ankles must be so swollen! When are you due?”

    (Suddenly, she reaches across the counter and rubs my belly, totally invading my personal space.)

    Me: “In about five years, after I finish college, get married, and get a job that pays above minimum wage. I’m fat, not pregnant, lady. And I do not remember giving you permission to put your hands on my body.”

    (The customer turns beet red, mumbles something, and abruptly leaves all her merchandise on the counter. I get a round of applause from the rest of the customers in line.)

    Next Customer in line: “I would have hit her if I were you.”

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