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    Good Service, To A Point

    | Victoria, British Columbia, Canada |

    Customer: “I want to return this knife! The lady I bought this from put this sticky stuff around the blade.”

    Me: “Ma’am, all of our knives have the protective seal to keep you from getting cut.”

    Customer: “No way! I saw her; she put this on there! I want a different one!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you’re free to choose another knife but, as you can see, they all have the protective seal on them.”

    Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous – how do you get this off?! You do it for me!”

    (I take the seal off and hand it back to her.)

    Customer: “But look at this! It’s left this sticky residue!”

    Me: “It washes off easily, actually.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to wash anything! That’s stupid!”

    Me: “Don’t you wash your knives before you use them?”

    Customer: “DON’T get smart with me! This is a horrible way to sell a knife.”

    Me: “So, we should sell the knives without a seal or any kind of protection?”

    Customer: “YES! Exactly! It’ll make using it at home easier!”

    Beauty Is Pain… Mental Pain

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | Top

    (I work in the Fragrance and Cosmetics department, and one slow night I had this phone conversation.)

    Customer: “Hi, I bought a lipstick earlier today and I can’t work it.”

    Me: “Um, OK. What exactly do you mean?”

    Customer: “I just…I can’t work it.”

    Me: “All right, well, some of them are packaged weird. What brand is it?”

    Customer: “Lancome.”

    Me: “Those are pretty standard, they work just like any other lipstick.”

    Customer: “But how do I work it?”

    Me: “Um, you just twist the top part in one direction, and the bottom part in the other direction.”

    Customer: “But after I do that, how do I get it back in?”

    Me: “You do the same thing, only in reverse.”

    Customer: “But there’s a hole in the top. Is this the kind I can’t carry in my purse? It would get all over everything.”

    Me: “Um, well, the lid is reusable. You can put it back on the lipstick after you twist it back down.”

    Customer: “Oh, that part can go back on. I see! How clever.”

    I Sense Another Frivolous Lawsuit, Part 2

    , | El Paso, TX, USA |

    (My checkout is right at the top of the escalators, with four kids ranging in age from about 7-13 were playing on them.)

    Me: “Guys, please don’t play on the escalators, you could get hurt.”

    (The kids go away for all of a minute, then return.)

    Me: “I asked you to please stop playing on the escalator.”

    (A woman emerges from a display a few yards away.)

    Customer: “Don’t tell my kids what to do!”

    Me: “Ma’am, then please keep them away from the escalators, its dangerous.”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

    (Just then, one of her little kids falls down the escalator.)

    Me: “You were saying, ma’am?”

    Customer: *storms off*

    Related: I Sense Another Frivolous Lawsuit

    Invasion Of The Spacey Wedding Guests

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (A young woman wanders up to the bridal registry counter, her eyes and mouth wide open in amazement. She is alone – no cell phone or bluetooth headset in sight.)

    Me: “What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Wow! You know why I’m here?!”

    Me: “…I don’t know why you’re here, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

    Customer: *aside* “HOLD ON MOM!” *to me* “I need Emily’s registry.”

    Me: “I have more then one Emily in the system…do you know her last name, or the groom’s name?”

    Customer: “More then one Emily? WOW! His name is Rocco!”

    Me: “I don’t have an Emily and a Rocco….”

    (The customer grabs my computer screen so she can see, and points at an e-mail address on the screen.)

    Customer: “Rockinred@***.com – THAT’S HIM!!”

    Me: “That’s his e-mail address, not his name. His name is Richard.”

    Customer: “THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HIM! HOLD ON, MOM!”

    Me: “Okay, he goes by his e-mail address. That’ll be right up for you.”

    (Customer wanders off, staring at nearby shiny objects.)

    Another Repressed Memory

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I have a flat screen TV near my workplace that was showing a recent cartoon on DVD: “Tinkerbell”. A customer comes by with
    her toddler daughter in the cart, and watches a bit of the movie with the child.)

    Customer: “Aw, that’s cute! What movie is that?”

    Me: “It’s Tinkerbell“.

    Customer: “My little girl likes that one. How much is it?”

    Me: “It’s new, so it should be around 15 to 20 dollars.”

    Customer: “15 to 20 dollars?! That’s almost all of my beer money!”

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