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    Phoney Request

    | Calgary, BC, Canada |

    (Our store phone rings. A customer answers it before I can get to it.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that is the store phone. Please hand it over to me.”

    Customer: “Go away! I’m trying to have a conversation here!”

    (I step forward to take the phone away. I hear talking from the other end of the phone.)

    Caller: “Why, hello there! Can I order some tampons, some birth control pills, and a thong?”

    (Both the customer and caller are male. The customer gets embarrassed and thrusts the phone into my hands.)

    Me: “Sorry about that, sir. What would you like?”

    Caller: “Oh good, that idiot’s gone. Do you have any Metallica CDs in stock?”

    Marriage Bed(ding)

    | Ontario, Canada | Spouses & Partners

    (A male customer comes up to the return desk holding a bagged bedding set.)

    Me: “Hi sir, would you like to return that?”

    Man: “Yes please.”

    Me: “May I ask why?”

    Man: “Um…my wife told me to?”

    Me: “Good enough for me!”

    Computers Increase The Chance Of Identity Theft

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    (A customer is requesting a refund on a computer.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot give you a refund on your computer.”

    Customer: “What?! Why the not?!”

    Me: “You don’t have a receipt. It’s two years old, and long out of warranty.”

    Customer: “I’ll have you know, I’m a lawyer and I could sue you for everything you’ve got!”

    Me: “We only have a 30 day refund policy. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “I’m an assistant attorney general, and I will have you reported! This is an outrage!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Don’t you take that tone with me! I’m a board member of this chain, and you need to serve me!”

    Me: “If there is nothing else, I’m going to have to ask you to remove your device and leave.”

    Customer: “You can’t tell me to leave! I’m the owner’s nephew!”

    Me: “Please calm down and leave.”

    Customer: “Do you have any idea who I am?!”

    Me: “Do you?”

    Think Before You Ink

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A customer paying by check tries to use the stylus from the debit machine to fill out her check.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s not a real pen.”

    (I reach into my pocket to give her a real one, but she continues “writing” with the stylus.)

    Me: “Ma’am? That’s not a real pen.”

    (She stops and shakes the stylus to get the ink flowing.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t use that to write with.”

    (She continues shaking the stylus and trying to write.)

    Me: “That’s not a pen!”

    Customer: “Hey, this pen doesn’t work!”

    Me: *giving up* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I forgot to put ink in those pens this morning…” hands her the real pen* “…here, use this.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    Desperate For Dessert

    | Quebec, Canada |

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell pie here?”

    Me: “Um, no this is [department store]. We sell clothes.”

    Customer: “I don’t want clothes. I want pie.”

    Me: “You can go across the street to the supermarket.”

    Customer: “But I hear that your pie is the best in town.”

    Me: “You’ve obviously heard wrong; we don’t sell pie here.”

    Customer: “Don’t you lie to me! I know there’s pie! Where is it?!”

    Me: “Sir, there is no pie…”

    Customer: “F*** you, are you profiling me? Just because I’m African-American you won’t sell me pie? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

    Me: *giving up* “…OK sir, fine, you’re right. Go downstairs, go out the door and walk across the street. That’s where we sell the pie.”

    Customer: “It’s about time…”

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