Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

(I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

(A elderly woman approaches the counter and I greet her.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like to try a sample of our new fragrance?”

Customer: “Actually, I was looking to buy some Juicy Cooter.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “It’s my granddaughter’s birthday. It’s coming up and she said she wanted that new Juicy Cooter perfume.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Oh you mean Juicy Couture? Yes, we carry that.”

Customer: “No, not the French one! Just show me your Juicy Cooter!”

(I am working in the young men’s department of a large department store. My department contains athletic clothing, including swimwear. A customer is looking at a large rack of bathing suits that are on clearance.)

Me: “Hello, how are you, sir?”

Customer: “Fine, thank you. I can’t believe all these bathing suits are so cheap!”

Me: “It’s officially the fall season, so all of our bathing suits are reduced for clearance.”

(The customer mumbles something about $2.00 and hands me the suit he’s holding, which is made by one of the most expensive brands we carry.)

Me: “I’ll be happy to check the price for you.”

(I walk to the register, which is nearby, and check the price. It rings up for $39.00.)

Me: “Sir, this suit is on sale for $39.00.”

Customer: “The price tag says it’s $2.00.”

Me: “It was originally $78.00, but now it’s $39.00.”

(I point to the price tag, which very clearly in large numbers says the original price and the reduced price.)

Customer: “No, it says ‘Now 2.’ Two dollars, see?”

(He points to the tag, which has a very tiny number 2, much smaller than where it says $39.00, under the word “Now”.)

Me: “I see. That just means it’s the second reduction. The price is $39.00.”

Customer: “Well, that’s confusing! You shouldn’t put that it’s $2.00. They all say they’re $2.00. I don’t want to pay more than $2.00!” *leaves in a huff*

(Since we are a large store, we communicate with each other on radios. I am helping a customer when my manager starts speaking into the radio.)

Manager: “I need an additional cashier to the registers.”

Customer: *pauses in mid-sentence* “Wait…is she talking to me?”

(I’m working in the dresses and handbags department. A rushed couple comes up with three items.)

Husband: “We’d just like these, please.”

Me: “Okay, just let me scan those for you.”

Husband: “Wait–that bag is supposed to be $20, not $29.99.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are not on markdown. The price is clearly marked on the tag.”

Husband: “It was on a $20 rack.”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I worked in luggage last week, and these are brand new. They are not marked down.”

Husband: “Fine, whatever.”

Wife: “Dear…”

Me: “I can call up to check, if you’re concerned.”

Husband: “I don’t have time for that.”

Me: “Do you have any coupons today?”

Husband: “We have a $20 off coupon.”

Me: “Okay, but these items are excluded on the back. Also, you’re short from the eligible purchase amount by a penny. I can call up and see if management will approve it anyway.”

Husband: “We don’t have time for that. My wife is in labor!”

(I look at the wife, who is, in fact, having visible contractions.)

Me: “Sir! You should be at the hospital! Why are you shopping?”

Husband: “It was on the way, and I needed a duffel bag for a trip next week! Now hurry it up!”

Me: “Sir, you need to take your wife to the hospital immediately!”

Husband: “I want to pay for this first! I need a duffel bag!”

Me: “Sir, I can put this on hold in your name. It will be here when you get back. Your wife needs medical care!”

Husband: “Forget the coupon, then. I’ll just pay with the store credit card.”

(I begin ringing him through as quickly as possible.)

Customer: “Wait! Shouldn’t there be a card-use discount?”

Me: “Not today, sir.”

Husband: “D*** it! Cancel it. I’ll use my debit!”

Me: “Sir, your wife is in labor. If you’re not willing to resolve this quickly and talk to management about your card complaints later, you should leave now and take her to the hospital immediately.”

Wife: “Honey, we have to go!”

Husband: “Fine! See if I ever shop here again! You people are killing my wife over a duffel bag!”

Related:
Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2
Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

(Our store phone rings. A customer answers it before I can get to it.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “I’m sorry, that is the store phone. Please hand it over to me.”

Customer: “Go away! I’m trying to have a conversation here!”

(I step forward to take the phone away. I hear talking from the other end of the phone.)

Caller: “Why, hello there! Can I order some tampons, some birth control pills, and a thong?”

(Both the customer and caller are male. The customer gets embarrassed and thrusts the phone into my hands.)

Me: “Sorry about that, sir. What would you like?”

Caller: “Oh good, that idiot’s gone. Do you have any Metallica CDs in stock?”

(A male customer comes up to the return desk holding a bagged bedding set.)

Me: “Hi sir, would you like to return that?”

Man: “Yes please.”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Man: “Um…my wife told me to?”

Me: “Good enough for me!”

(A customer is requesting a refund on a computer.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot give you a refund on your computer.”

Customer: “What?! Why the not?!”

Me: “You don’t have a receipt. It’s two years old, and long out of warranty.”

Customer: “I’ll have you know, I’m a lawyer and I could sue you for everything you’ve got!”

Me: “We only have a 30 day refund policy. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I’m an assistant attorney general, and I will have you reported! This is an outrage!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Don’t you take that tone with me! I’m a board member of this chain, and you need to serve me!”

Me: “If there is nothing else, I’m going to have to ask you to remove your device and leave.”

Customer: “You can’t tell me to leave! I’m the owner’s nephew!”

Me: “Please calm down and leave.”

Customer: “Do you have any idea who I am?!”

Me: “Do you?”

(A customer paying by check tries to use the stylus from the debit machine to fill out her check.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s not a real pen.”

(I reach into my pocket to give her a real one, but she continues “writing” with the stylus.)

Me: “Ma’am? That’s not a real pen.”

(She stops and shakes the stylus to get the ink flowing.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t use that to write with.”

(She continues shaking the stylus and trying to write.)

Me: “That’s not a pen!”

Customer: “Hey, this pen doesn’t work!”

Me: *giving up* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I forgot to put ink in those pens this morning…” hands her the real pen* “…here, use this.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell pie here?”

Me: “Um, no this is [department store]. We sell clothes.”

Customer: “I don’t want clothes. I want pie.”

Me: “You can go across the street to the supermarket.”

Customer: “But I hear that your pie is the best in town.”

Me: “You’ve obviously heard wrong; we don’t sell pie here.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me! I know there’s pie! Where is it?!”

Me: “Sir, there is no pie…”

Customer: “F*** you, are you profiling me? Just because I’m African-American you won’t sell me pie? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

Me: *giving up* “…OK sir, fine, you’re right. Go downstairs, go out the door and walk across the street. That’s where we sell the pie.”

Customer: “It’s about time…”