(A customer paying by check tries to use the stylus from the debit machine to fill out her check.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s not a real pen.”

(I reach into my pocket to give her a real one, but she continues “writing” with the stylus.)

Me: “Ma’am? That’s not a real pen.”

(She stops and shakes the stylus to get the ink flowing.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t use that to write with.”

(She continues shaking the stylus and trying to write.)

Me: “That’s not a pen!”

Customer: “Hey, this pen doesn’t work!”

Me: *giving up* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I forgot to put ink in those pens this morning…” hands her the real pen* “…here, use this.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell pie here?”

Me: “Um, no this is [department store]. We sell clothes.”

Customer: “I don’t want clothes. I want pie.”

Me: “You can go across the street to the supermarket.”

Customer: “But I hear that your pie is the best in town.”

Me: “You’ve obviously heard wrong; we don’t sell pie here.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me! I know there’s pie! Where is it?!”

Me: “Sir, there is no pie…”

Customer: “F*** you, are you profiling me? Just because I’m African-American you won’t sell me pie? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

Me: *giving up* “…OK sir, fine, you’re right. Go downstairs, go out the door and walk across the street. That’s where we sell the pie.”

Customer: “It’s about time…”

Customer: “I want to return this knife! The lady I bought this from put this sticky stuff around the blade.”

Me: “Ma’am, all of our knives have the protective seal to keep you from getting cut.”

Customer: “No way! I saw her; she put this on there! I want a different one!”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re free to choose another knife but, as you can see, they all have the protective seal on them.”

Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous – how do you get this off?! You do it for me!”

(I take the seal off and hand it back to her.)

Customer: “But look at this! It’s left this sticky residue!”

Me: “It washes off easily, actually.”

Customer: “I don’t want to wash anything! That’s stupid!”

Me: “Don’t you wash your knives before you use them?”

Customer: “DON’T get smart with me! This is a horrible way to sell a knife.”

Me: “So, we should sell the knives without a seal or any kind of protection?”

Customer: “YES! Exactly! It’ll make using it at home easier!”

(I work in the Fragrance and Cosmetics department, and one slow night I had this phone conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I bought a lipstick earlier today and I can’t work it.”

Me: “Um, OK. What exactly do you mean?”

Customer: “I just…I can’t work it.”

Me: “All right, well, some of them are packaged weird. What brand is it?”

Customer: “Lancome.”

Me: “Those are pretty standard, they work just like any other lipstick.”

Customer: “But how do I work it?”

Me: “Um, you just twist the top part in one direction, and the bottom part in the other direction.”

Customer: “But after I do that, how do I get it back in?”

Me: “You do the same thing, only in reverse.”

Customer: “But there’s a hole in the top. Is this the kind I can’t carry in my purse? It would get all over everything.”

Me: “Um, well, the lid is reusable. You can put it back on the lipstick after you twist it back down.”

Customer: “Oh, that part can go back on. I see! How clever.”

(My checkout is right at the top of the escalators, with four kids ranging in age from about 7-13 were playing on them.)

Me: “Guys, please don’t play on the escalators, you could get hurt.”

(The kids go away for all of a minute, then return.)

Me: “I asked you to please stop playing on the escalator.”

(A woman emerges from a display a few yards away.)

Customer: “Don’t tell my kids what to do!”

Me: “Ma’am, then please keep them away from the escalators, its dangerous.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

(Just then, one of her little kids falls down the escalator.)

Me: “You were saying, ma’am?”

Customer: *storms off*

Related: I Sense Another Frivolous Lawsuit

(A young woman wanders up to the bridal registry counter, her eyes and mouth wide open in amazement. She is alone – no cell phone or bluetooth headset in sight.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Wow! You know why I’m here?!”

Me: “…I don’t know why you’re here, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: *aside* “HOLD ON MOM!” *to me* “I need Emily’s registry.”

Me: “I have more then one Emily in the system…do you know her last name, or the groom’s name?”

Customer: “More then one Emily? WOW! His name is Rocco!”

Me: “I don’t have an Emily and a Rocco….”

(The customer grabs my computer screen so she can see, and points at an e-mail address on the screen.)

Customer: “Rockinred@***.com – THAT’S HIM!!”

Me: “That’s his e-mail address, not his name. His name is Richard.”

Customer: “THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HIM! HOLD ON, MOM!”

Me: “Okay, he goes by his e-mail address. That’ll be right up for you.”

(Customer wanders off, staring at nearby shiny objects.)

(I have a flat screen TV near my workplace that was showing a recent cartoon on DVD: “Tinkerbell”. A customer comes by with
her toddler daughter in the cart, and watches a bit of the movie with the child.)

Customer: “Aw, that’s cute! What movie is that?”

Me: “It’s Tinkerbell“.

Customer: “My little girl likes that one. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s new, so it should be around 15 to 20 dollars.”

Customer: “15 to 20 dollars?! That’s almost all of my beer money!”

(A woman comes into the store just before closing, and asks where our muffin pans are.)

Me: “Right this way…”

Customer: “So how do you make muffins?”

Me: “Well… I guess you’d just have to buy a box of muffin mix and read the directions.”

Customer: “Well, what do you usually put IN muffins?”

Me: There’s the mix, then the eggs, then the milk, or possibly water….”

Customer: “What do I do with all of that?”

Me: “Normally, you would mix the ingredients and put them in the muffin pan.”

Customer: “So I just pour them in the pan?”

Me: “You can… but most people put the batter in paper muffin cups.”

Customer: “So do I put the paper cups in before or after the batter?”

Me: “…”

(A customer is buying a file cabinet. ¬†As I’m taking it out for her, the cabinet falls off of the hand truck and the lock gets pushed in.)

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. The damage isn’t bad. Would you like us to fix it for you?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this undamaged!”

Me: “Of course, we could put together a new one for you.”

Customer: “I wanted this one.”

Me: “So shall I take it back and have it repaired?”

Customer: “I wanted it the way it was!”

Me: “I understand that, but the damage has been done. If you like, we can refund your money.”

Customer: “I don’t want a refund. ”

Me: “Okay… what do you want to do?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this like it was.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Okay, so what do you want to do?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this cabinet like it was! Undamaged!”

Me: “Well, once you decide what you want to do, you let me know.”

(At this point, I take the cabinet into the back room and stay there. I never did find out what she did.)

Related:
Related:
Mission: Impossible, Part 2
Mission: Impossible
Mission Impossible, Part 3

(I fix registers and self-checkout equipment at said store. I wear a badge, it states which company I work for and has a picture of me on it. It looks nothing like the name badges the store uses but everyone asks me if I work there or if I can help them. I always answer politely that I don’t and point them in the direction of someone who does. But this time…)

Me: *walking to back of store to fiddle with a printer that was acting up*

Lady: “Can you help us with picking a TV?”

Me: *Looks around* “Me?”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Yes you, we need some help here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t work here.”

Lady: “Look, I just want to know about some of the features.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Like I said, I don’t work here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Un-f***ing-believable…I guess this is what minimum wage pays for these days.”

Me: *snorts and starts to walk away*

Lady: “Well who the f*** is supposed to help us now?”

Me: “Maybe you should try asking someone with ***-**** written on their name tag, I’m sure they’d be glad to help you out seeing as they WORK here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “This is shoddy customer service! We want to speak to your manager right now!”

Me: *shakes head and walks off*

Lady & Boyfriend: *insert string of obscenities here*

(I saw them 10 minutes later as I was leaving the store, they were complaining to a department manager. I’m sure they were trying to describe me because he had a very confused look on his face. Poor guy.)