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    They Call Me Doctor DIY

    , , | New Jersey, USA |

    (We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

    Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

    Me: “Clockwise.”

    Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

    Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

    Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

    Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

    Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

    Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

    Doctor: “What was that?”

    Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

    Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

    Me: “Great. All finished?”

    (The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

    Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

    Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

    Getting On Your Nerves

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

    Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

    Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be
    over before you know it.”

    Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give
    the shot? I need to know!”

    Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

    Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

    Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

    Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

    Toothless Accusations

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Patient: “How much is my total?”

    Receptionist: “$200.”

    Patient: “What? That’s ridiculous! I should get a discount because I come here so much.”

    Receptionist: “Ah, well, we really don’t see you more than a couple of times a year for checkups.”

    Patient: “Well, he’s the most expensive dentist in the area.”

    (The dentist happens to walk by.)

    Patient: “Hey, doctor, you’re the most expensive dentist in the area!”

    Doctor: “Thank you. It’s not true, but thank you.” *walks away*

    Patient: “Are you sure you can’t give me a discount?”

    Receptionist: “Sorry.”

    Patient: “But I pay for his Bimmer!”

    (Note: The doctor actually drives a Honda.)

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