July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Loosely Based On A True Story

| Madison, WI, USA | Uncategorized

Patient: “I think there’s something wrong with my tooth.”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Patient: “Well, I think it’s loose.”

(The patient suddenly spits his tooth onto the counter in front of me.)

Me: “Yes…yes, I think you’re right.”

They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , | New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

Getting On Your Nerves

| Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be
over before you know it.”

Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give
the shot? I need to know!”

Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

Toothless Accusations

| New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Patient: “How much is my total?”

Receptionist: “$200.”

Patient: “What? That’s ridiculous! I should get a discount because I come here so much.”

Receptionist: “Ah, well, we really don’t see you more than a couple of times a year for checkups.”

Patient: “Well, he’s the most expensive dentist in the area.”

(The dentist happens to walk by.)

Patient: “Hey, doctor, you’re the most expensive dentist in the area!”

Doctor: “Thank you. It’s not true, but thank you.” *walks away*

Patient: “Are you sure you can’t give me a discount?”

Receptionist: “Sorry.”

Patient: “But I pay for his Bimmer!”

(Note: The doctor actually drives a Honda.)

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