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    Fowl Mouthed

    | Windsor, ON, Canada |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want lunch meat.”

    Me: *grinning* “You’ve come to the right place!”

    Customer: “I don’t appreciate your attitude, you f***ing b***!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I’m paying for your brown a** to live here!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m Irish. And I’ve lived here my entire life.”

    Customer: “GIVE ME SOME F***ING TURKEY!”

    Me: “What type of turkey would you like?”

    Customer: “Plain!”

    Me: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat free? We also have a wide selection of gourmet turkeys, such as honey maple and tomato basil.”

    Customer: “My kid won’t eat that fancy s***! I just want some f***ing turkey!”

    (The store manager has been standing behind her the entire time and speaks up.)

    Manager: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat Free? She gave you the types, just f***ing pick a flavour so she can serve me so I can take my lunch!”

    Customer: “F*** THIS COUNTRY!”

    Related:
    Fowl Behavior, Part 2
    Fowl Behavior
    Fowl Play

    As Long As It Tastes Like Chicken

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Lady: “I’d like a half pound of ham.”

    (I slice the ham, wrap it, and hand it over.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

    (She opens up the package, sniffs the ham and makes a face).

    Me: “Is there something wrong with the ham?”

    Lady: “Yes. It smells very hammy.”

    Me: “Am I to understand that you’re complaining that our ham smells like ham?”

    Lady: *walks away in a huff*

    Fowl Behavior, Part 2

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    (At the deli where I work, every couple hours I cook up between 12 and 20 whole chickens. They’re kept in the hot holding cabinet for customers to grab.)

    Customer: “I need ten.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “These whole chickens. I need ten of them.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that’s all we have, because we’re closing soon.”

    Customer: *rolls her eyes and takes absolutely everything left out of the holding cabinet*

    (Another customer approaches me soon afterward.)

    Another customer: “Excuse me, that lady just grabbed a chicken out of my hands, claiming it was hers. Will there be any more?”

    (Yes, that’s right. The first lady was going around taking chickens from other customers. Unbelievable.)

    Related:
    Fowl Behavior

    The Infomercials Must Love You

    | Bay Area, CA, USA |

    (A customer comes up to the register with her sandwich purchase, which had sun-dried tomatoes on it.)

    Customer: “Do you make the sun-dried tomatoes here?”

    Me, jokingly: “Yes, we have several lawn chairs in back. We cut the tomatoes into little strips and leave them out there for a week or two. ”

    Customer: “Really?!”

    Me: “No, I was just kidding. We get them from a distributor. ”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not nice of you at all! When I was growing up I was always taught to believe things I was told by salespeople!”

    One Track Rind

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like 20 slices.”

    Me: “Would you like that thinly or regularly sliced, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, 20 slices.”

    Me: “Okay, and how would you like your 20 slices sliced, ma’am?”

    Customer: “20 slices.”

    Me: “Ma’am, would you like those slices THIN or REGULAR?”

    Customer: “Yes, 20 slices.”

    Me: “Alright, regular it is.”

    Related:
    Yum, Bible Ham Paste
    The Beauty Of A One Track Mind

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