Saving The Duke From The Puke

| West Jefferson, NC, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

Customer: “I’ll have two pounds of mac & cheese, 3 pounds of potato wedges, 2 pounds of boneless wings, and 10 cheese sticks. I also need 4 pounds of cooked ham, sliced on a #2.”

Me: “Alright! Having a party, huh?”

Customer: “No, this is for my dog.”

Me: *taken off-guard* “Oh…” *jokingly* “…well, is he having a party then?”

Customer:  “I don’t appreciate your tone!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I was only kidding.”

(I fill her order in silence. After weighing the potato wedges, she says…)

Customer: “Can’t you go any faster?! The Duke will surely starve!”

Me: “I’ll do the best I can, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, see that you do! My sweet doggie is hungry!”

(Meanwhile, a man walks up and begins talking to the customer while I finish her order. This takes about 10 minutes, as I have to cook more chicken. As I turn around from the meat slicer to give her the last bag of sliced ham, I see her walking away with the man. She has left her entire order on the counter.)

Me: “Ma’am! MA’AM! Your order, ma’am!”

Customer: “Oh, nevermind, dear! He brought me some dog food from the pet aisle!”

Me: *speechless*

(She wasted at least $40 worth of food!)

Wishful Inching

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Uncategorized

(A customer and her husband are ordering our store-made bologna, which is an elongated, flesh-coloured shape.)

Customer: “I don’t want it sliced. Just cut me a piece about 1 inch long.”

Husband: “So, about this much.” *holds up two fingers about 4 inches apart*

(The wife and I both grin.)

Customer: “That isn’t one inch!”

Me: “Well, we all know how men like to exaggerate about the size of their meat.”

Half Cooked For The Half Minded

| Sydney, Australia | Food & Drink

Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like half a chicken please.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we seem to be out. The next load should be ready in about 15-20 minutes.”

Customer: “But I just want a half, not a whole one!”

Me: “I’m sorry about the wait. As soon as they finish cooking, I will cut you one straight away.”

Customer: “But I just want a half! Can’t you just get one out of the oven now and cut it for me?”

Me: “Um, no. If I took one out early and cut it, it wouldn’t be cooked in the middle.”

Customer: “But I only want a half chicken! It should take less time to cook than a whole one!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I have to wait for them to finish. I promise I will cut you one straight away.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you’re making this so difficult for me to buy half a chicken!” *storms off*

Getting Pork(ed)

| Massachusetts, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

Customer: “I would like a pound of vagina ham.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “A pound of vagina ham, please!”

Me: “Don’t you mean Virginia ham?”

Customer: “Virginia ham, vagina ham, whatever! Just give me a pound of it.”

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah, slice it real nice.”

What You Don’t Nose Can’t Hurt You

| Pannawonica, WA, Australia | Uncategorized

Customer: “Can I get forty cents worth of Chicos?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I start putting gloves on.)

Customer: “Oh, you don’t need to put gloves on.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t pick your nose anymore than I do.”

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