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    Half Cooked For The Half Minded

    | Sydney, Australia | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like half a chicken please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we seem to be out. The next load should be ready in about 15-20 minutes.”

    Customer: “But I just want a half, not a whole one!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about the wait. As soon as they finish cooking, I will cut you one straight away.”

    Customer: “But I just want a half! Can’t you just get one out of the oven now and cut it for me?”

    Me: “Um, no. If I took one out early and cut it, it wouldn’t be cooked in the middle.”

    Customer: “But I only want a half chicken! It should take less time to cook than a whole one!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I have to wait for them to finish. I promise I will cut you one straight away.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand why you’re making this so difficult for me to buy half a chicken!” *storms off*

    Getting Pork(ed)

    | Massachusetts, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “I would like a pound of vagina ham.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “A pound of vagina ham, please!”

    Me: “Don’t you mean Virginia ham?”

    Customer: “Virginia ham, vagina ham, whatever! Just give me a pound of it.”

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer: “Yeah, slice it real nice.”

    What You Don’t Nose Can’t Hurt You

    | Pannawonica, WA, Australia |

    Customer: “Can I get forty cents worth of Chicos?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I start putting gloves on.)

    Customer: “Oh, you don’t need to put gloves on.”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t pick your nose anymore than I do.”

    Her Head’s Up Where That Sandwich Is

    | Kirksville, MO, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like about a pound of honey maple ham, shaved.”

    Me: “Alrighty.”

    (I start slicing.)

    Customer: “I just want you to know, honey maple ham sliced by your hands is like eating a sandwich made of clouds.”

    Me: “Um, thank you?”

    Coupons Are A Big Deal

    | Lewiston, ME, USA | Top

    (I am a customer at a deli. I am the second in line.)

    Cashier: “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a–”

    Customer ahead of me:“No! What is it with all these add-ons? I’m so sick of it! You should be ashamed of yourself!””

    (The customer continues her tirade and the poor cashier looks like she is near tears. The customer is finished, then the cashier rings up my order. The customer continues to stand at the counter as she is waiting for her food.)

    Cashier, to me: “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a free coupon book.”

    Me: “A coupon book? Sure, why not?”

    (The cashier takes my money, and hands me the coupon book.)

    Customer, to me: “What kind of coupons are in there?”

    Me: “I don’t know. You can take a look, if you want.”

    (The customer flips through the coupon book. She then goes to put it in her purse.)

    Me: “Excuse me? That was my coupon book.”

    Customer: “Oh right! Oops! How silly of me!”

    (She hands me the coupon book.)

    Customer: “Say, how about if I buy that $10 off coupon for [local party supplies store] off of you for $1?”

    Me: “Well, I guess so.”

    (The customer hands me $1, and I give her the coupon. I then turn to the cashier and give her the dollar.)

    Me, to cashier: “Can I donate another dollar and get another coupon book?”

    Cashier: “Sure!”

    (The customer looks confused and embarrassed.)

    Me, to customer: “Oh, by the way, I get annoyed with all of the extra questions and add-ons too. But I find a simple, ‘No, thank you,’ works just fine.”

    Customer: “Hmph!”

    (She crosses her arms and pouts until her food is ready. She then grabs it and stomps out.)


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