Not Always Right on Facebook Not Always Right on Twitter Not Always Right Unfiltered on Tumblr
Featured Story:
  • De-Engineering Stereotypes
    (1,719 thumbs up)
  • September Theme Of The Month: Return Of The Geeks!
    Submit your story today!

    The Answer To Their Own Question

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Books & Reading, Food & Drink, Top

    (Today all my customers have been placing the exact same order, so I decide to have fun with the next one who comes in.)

    Me: “Hello. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! Can I have—”

    Me: “A pound of [Brand] oven roasted turkey? Sliced thin?”

    Customer: “Um, yes…”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Coming right up.”

    (I slice the turkey for her and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Would you like anything else today?”

    Customer: “Can I also have—”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. One pound of [Brand] white American cheese, coming up.”

    (Her eyes go wide but she doesn’t say anything. I look through the cold case but don’t find an open package of the cheese.)

    Me: “Oh, looks like I need to open a new package. One moment, please.”

    (I step out from behind the counter and open up the door on the front of the case to get a new package of cheese.)

    Customer: “Wow! I didn’t know—”

    Me: “That’s okay. Most people don’t know the doors open from the front.”

    (Her eyes get even wider. I try not to snicker as I slice her cheese.)

    Me: “Aaaaand there you go. Will that be all for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “What number am I—”

    Me: “42.”

    (She snatches the cheese and runs out the front door at full speed.)

    Coworker: “How did you know what number she was thinking?”

    Me: “Douglas Adams, dude. 42 is always the answer.”

    Coworker: “You’re sick, man.”

    Me: “I knew you’d say that.”

    The Sausages Of Society

    | New York, NY, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in an Italian deli in Brooklyn that sells high quality cured meats. Because of its location, we have recently seen an upsurge in customers from Williamsburg’s gentrified neighborhoods. Two customers walk in.)

    Customer #1: “Yes. I wanted to know if you stocked any vegan sausages.”

    Me: *thinking they’re joking* “Sir, this is [deli]. Our specialty is aged and cured meats. We don’t sell vegan food.”

    Customer #2: *to his friend* “What did you expect from this place? Their vibes are totally off. It’s obvious this isn’t the right deli for us, man.” *turns to me* “Listen, you see?m like a pretty smart guy. You shouldn’t buy into the corporate lies they feed you. You know the sausages you sell are just pumped full of water and corn syrup right?”

    (I decide to have some fun with this.)

    Me: “Yeah. Right on, man. That must mean those giant storage lockers in the back where we hang the freshly grounded and mixed meat is just an illusion created by the corporate industrialists in order to fool the proletariat.”

    (Amazingly, they actually nod in agreement for a few second before realizing I’m making fun of them. Scowling, they finally leave.)

    Customer #2: “I’m going to tell my friends about all of the ‘negative vibes’ your deli gives off!”

    (To this day I’m not sure if they were serious or trying to prank us.)

    Chalk Is His Kryptonite

    | FL, USA | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Top

    Customer: “I also want a pound of Swiss cheese, but I don’t want it sliced.”

    Me: “So you’d just like a one-pound block of cheese?”

    Customer: “Exactly. Can you do that?”

    Me: “I sure can.”

    (I take the cheese over to the sandwich station to get a large knife, measure approximately where I think one pound would be, and cut off a block. I put it on the scale, and much to my satisfaction, the weight of the block I cut is 1.005 pounds.)

    Me: “Well hey, that was pretty good!”

    (The customer looks at the scales.)

    Customer: “Oh, my God! How did you do that?!”

    Me: “Lots of practice?”

    Customer: “No, no, that wouldn’t do it. You must have some kind of supernatural cheese power!”

    Me: “Well, I was born on a dying cheese planet, and sent to Earth in a cheese rocket by my parents. Exposure to Earth’s yellow sun gives me cheese powers.”

    Customer: “Whoa. Honey, come here! You’ve got to see this!”

    (The customer’s wife comes over and listens to the story.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Holy s***. Can you do that again?”

    (I look over at my manager, who rolls her eyes and gives me a ‘go ahead’ wave. I cut another block off the Swiss cheese and weigh it. It comes up to 0.995 pounds.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Jesus Christ!”

    (She grabs the arm of another passing customer.)

    Customer’s Wife: “You’ve got to see this! This guy is Cheese Man!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”

    He Wants Coffee As Dense As He Is

    | NY, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    Me: “Here is your coffee, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, could you add more milk to that?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (Since the coffee cup is already full, I walk over to the sink to pour a little out before adding more milk.)

    Customer: “Stop that! I didn’t say to pour any out!”

    Me: “Sir, the cup was full. In order to add more milk, I have to pour a little coffee out.”

    Customer: “You should obey what your customers tell you!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but sometimes I have to obey the laws of physics instead.”

    Taking The Ham-Fisted Approach

    | NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (Seeing the line for the deli stretch halfway through the produce section, I stand in line while my fiancé goes for the rest of the stuff. Every single person in line ahead of me goes through the same process.)

    Customer: “Let me get some ham.”

    Deli Worker: “What kind of ham?”

    Customer: “Um… [brand].”

    Deli Worker: “Okay… What kind? Honey glazed, regular, salt free?”

    Customer: “Oh… uh… [type].”

    Deli Worker: “How much?”

    Customer: “Um…”

    (This continues on, not just for each customer, but even when one customer has multiple items! I finally step up to the counter just as my fiancé arrives.)

    Me: “Let me get 1/4 pound [brand] low-sodium roast reef, 1/4 pound [brand] low-sodium turkey, and 1/2 pound [store brand] American yellow, please.”

    Deli Worker: “Ooh honey, you’re my favorite customer of the day!”

    Fiancé: “What was that about?”

    Me: “Apparently, I’m the only person here that thinks ahead!”

    Customer After Me: “Let me get some… salami.”

    Deli Worker: “Here we go again!”

    Page 3/1012345...Last