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    All Manner Of Meat With No Manners

    | CT, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (A customer approaches the deli just as I’m about to shut down the department to clean it. She takes a number and spends the next few minutes looking over the meat selections.)

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Uh, yes… I would like half a pound of pastrami, please.”

    Me: “Sure thing!”

    (I slice her order and hand it to her. She thanks me and looks at the package. Just as she’s about to turn to leave, she looks at the package.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! But this isn’t what I f****** ordered you stupid piece of s***!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you asked for pastrami and that’s what I cut for you.”

    Customer: *scoffs* “Well, that’s not what this is!” *points at the glass case*

    Me: “Are you pointing at the pastrami?”

    Customer: “Yes, I am, you dumb a**hole! You should be able to f***** see that!”

    Me: “Actually, I can’t. One moment.”

    (I walk around the counter to where she’s standing.)

    Customer: “See, this is what I want.”

    Me: *sigh* “Ma’am, that’s not pastrami you’re pointing at. It’s salami. It clearly says it on the wrapping and on the sign under the product.”

    Customer: “I know that, you f****** idiot!”

    Me: “If you know that, then why did you ask for pastrami? They’re not even close to being the same product. In fact they’re in different color wrapping.”

    Customer: “Hey, stop being an a**hole and give me what I want! You’re making this more difficult than it has to be and you’re wasting my time!”

    Me: “Sure, hold on. Please be advised that you are the one that placed the wrong order which is prolonging your stay here.”

    Customer: “I don’t f****** care! Hurry up and finish my order!”

    (I quickly slice her order as the deli is now closed and I want to go home.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Was that so f***** hard?”

    Me: “Yes, it was about as hard as reading a sign that says salami and confusing it with pastrami.”

    Sodium And So Dum

    | FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    Customer: “I’d like a half-pound of the [Cheap Brand] low-sodium ham, please!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have [Cheap Brand] low-sodium ham. We do have the [Premium Brand] low-sodium ham, though.”

    Customer: “No, you do have the [Cheap Brand] kind. It’s right there.”

    (She points to the Cheap Brand boiled ham, which is the lowest quality meat we sell, and is loaded with salt and fat.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid that ham isn’t low-sodium. Actually, that’s the highest-sodium ham we have.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I’ve been eating that ham for three months because I thought it was healthy! My doctor said my blood pressure was dangerously high!”

    Me: “Um… that’s not good. Did one of the employees here tell you that ham was low-sodium?”

    Customer: “No! I just assumed it was!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you probably should have asked someone here about that.”

    Customer: “SHUT UP! IF I HAVE A HEART ATTACK IT’S YOUR FAULT!”

    Easy To Label The Problem Customers

    , | Erie, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (Instead of repeatedly having to tell customers prices, we have case tags with the name and price listed in front of each product. A customer walks up and I go up to the counter to greet him.)

    Me: “Hello! What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, hello. I would like a half pound of this bologna.”

    (He walks over to the case that has several different kinds of bologna in it. The case tags are clearly labeled in front of each product. I politely ask again which product he wanted.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, which one did you want? We have [Name Brand #1], [Name Brand #2], and [Name Brand #3].”

    Customer: “This one.”

    Me: “Sir, I can not see which one you’re pointing to.”

    (The man starts to glare at me. He points once again.)

    Customer: “THIS… ONE…”

    (Finally giving up on the hope he’ll actually say brand of bologna he wants, I walk around the counter to the front.)

    Me: “I apologize. Which one did you want?”

    (Without speaking, he points to the bologna he wanted.)

    Me: “Oh, the [Brand Name] beef bologna.”

    Customer: “YES! I’ve been pointing to THAT one.”

    (I slice the desired amount of meat for the gentleman and thank him for shopping with us. My coworker then walks up to me.)

    Coworker: “That’s okay… I had someone completely ignore the label and ask for the white circle cheese.”

    Needs To Seriously Self Check Out Of Campus

    | NY, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, School

    (Customer #1 is in line ahead of Customer #2, and is buying a large amount of instant coffee, instant noodles, and candy.)

    Customer #1: “D***! This stupid credit card thing can’t read my card.”

    Clerk: “Try it again, sir, and move the card slowly and evenly.”

    Customer #1: “Nope! This f****** thing is broken.”

    Customer #2: “How’s studying for finals going?”

    Customer #1: “Uh… Not well. Why?”

    Customer #2: “Because you’re trying to pay with your student ID.”

    (Customer #1 stares at the card for a long time.)

    Customer #1: “I haven’t left campus in way too long.”

    The Answer To Their Own Question

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Books & Reading, Food & Drink, Top

    (Today all my customers have been placing the exact same order, so I decide to have fun with the next one who comes in.)

    Me: “Hello. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! Can I have—”

    Me: “A pound of [Brand] oven roasted turkey? Sliced thin?”

    Customer: “Um, yes…”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Coming right up.”

    (I slice the turkey for her and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Would you like anything else today?”

    Customer: “Can I also have—”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. One pound of [Brand] white American cheese, coming up.”

    (Her eyes go wide but she doesn’t say anything. I look through the cold case but don’t find an open package of the cheese.)

    Me: “Oh, looks like I need to open a new package. One moment, please.”

    (I step out from behind the counter and open up the door on the front of the case to get a new package of cheese.)

    Customer: “Wow! I didn’t know—”

    Me: “That’s okay. Most people don’t know the doors open from the front.”

    (Her eyes get even wider. I try not to snicker as I slice her cheese.)

    Me: “Aaaaand there you go. Will that be all for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “What number am I—”

    Me: “42.”

    (She snatches the cheese and runs out the front door at full speed.)

    Coworker: “How did you know what number she was thinking?”

    Me: “Douglas Adams, dude. 42 is always the answer.”

    Coworker: “You’re sick, man.”

    Me: “I knew you’d say that.”

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