(I received this call from a customer requesting web site support.)

Customer: “I want to order from you, but it says that my state is ‘Invalid’!”

Me: “What state are you putting in?”

Customer: “‘The Great State Of Texas’!”

Me: “Are you putting that whole phrase in the box?”

Customer: “Well, it ran out of room after the ‘t’ and the ‘h’.”

Me: “When you put in the state on our site, you need to use the 2-letter state code set up by the United States Post Office.”

Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “The United States Post Office has a code for each state and territory of the United States. Texas would be ‘TX’.”

Customer: “WHAT?! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW TO SEND IT TO THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS IF IT ONLY SAYS ‘TX’?! MY ORDER WOULD BE LOST!”

Me: “Actually, I’m pretty sure that the United States Post Office would know that ‘TX’ is ‘The Great State Of Texas’….”

Customer: *types it in* “Oh, look at that – it worked. Can you hold on for a second? I want to call the Post Master of our town and confirm this….”

(I worked for the online customer service branch of a major department store, answering questions via “live help”. The store had many older customers who would often have trouble shopping online. The following is an online conversation I had.)

Customer: “Your site won’t let me get through!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Could you tell me what part of the site you were having an issue with?”

Customer: “It keeps telling me that I have the wrong password. I have my password!”

(I look up her password and use it on the site to make sure it
works.)

Me: “I have tested your password and it appears to be working. Would you like me to send you an e-mail with a copy of your password?”

Customer: “NO! I have my password! It says it right here on the screen, and I typed it just like it says.”

Me: *slightly confused as to why the customer’s password would be displayed* “What password do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “cAsE sEnsitIve! I typed it the exact way that it says here! ‘Your password is cAsE sEnsitIve’!”

Customer: *on his cell phone, handing me a list* “I need all of these items.”

Me: “Ok, let me just get someone to help you.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just do it?”

Me: “I can’t leave the register.”

Customer: *shouting now* “I’M A VERY BUSY MAN!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry sir, but I cannot leave the register. Let me just call someone for you.”

Customer: “HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE EXPECT TO RUN A BUSINESS! I NEED MY STUFF!”

Me: *on phone* “Could I have someone come up and help a customer please?”

Customer: *screaming over my phone call* “JUST GIVE ME MY DAMN ITEMS! I NEED THEM!”

Me: “Someone is on their way to help you, sir.”

Customer: “I needed these items two hours ago; I couldn’t get here until now. My time is being wasted; MY TIME IS PRECIOUS!”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, scooter. Learn to manage your time better.”

(I happened to be on call-quality monitoring when one of my coworkers got this call.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling **** Gifts, my name is ****. How can I help you?”

Caller: *with a thick accent* “Do you have anyone there that speaks Spanish?”

Coworker: “No, I’m afraid we do not. Is there anything I can do for you, ma’am?”

Caller: “Where is my check?”

Coworker: “…your check?”

Caller: “Yes, where is my check?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t think I follow–”

Caller: “Where is my child support check?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, we sell candies and cookies. We don’t have your check.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Coworker: “…Because we’re a gift-ordering service. We don’t handle child support checks.”

Caller: “Well, can you give me the number to the child support check people?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t know what that number is. We aren’t connected with them in any way.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “…so if you cancel your others company’s long distance plan which costs you $10/month, and take ours that’s $8/month, you’ll save $2/month.”

Customer: “Look I called up to save money, and you’re gonna increase my bill?”

Me: “Well, yes, but overall you’ll save…”

Customer: “Look I’ve studied marketing, and you’re not doing this right.”

Me: “Look…I study math.”