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    Neither A Fortune Teller Nor A Lender Be

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A card holder called and asked for his balance, payment and other credit card information.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “One more thing. Who’s going to bill me next month?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “Who’s going to charge my account next month?”

    Me: “I’m sorry…we don’t have the ability to see the future…”

    Caller: “Why not? You’re my credit card company. You should know where I’m going to spend my money.”

    Me: “Um…well, once you figure out where you’re going to go, call us afterwards. We can tell you where you’ve been.”

    Caller: “See? I told you, you guys know everything!” *click*

    Eastern Standard Time Travelers

    | Oregon, USA |

    (I received this call shortly after news broke about the emergency landing of a US Airways flight on the Hudson.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer service, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the Hudson River just a few moments ago?”

    Me: “There was a plane crash? Oh, my… was anyone hurt?”

    Customer: “No, they all lived. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet. Where are you located?”

    Me: “Well, I don’t have access to a television to see the current news. I am in Oregon.”

    Customer: “Well, no wonder you haven’t heard of it happening yet. It happened in New York, which is 3 hours ahead of you!”

    You Get Who You Pay For

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to dispute a charge on my bill.”

    Me: “Yes, certainly. Which charge would you like to dispute?”

    Customer: “There should be a charge on February 22nd for $2000.”

    Me: “The one for ‘Gentlemen’s Club’?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s the one I’d like to dispute.”

    Me: “And what’s the reason for the dispute?”

    Customer: “…do you need to know?”

    Me: “Without a reason, we cannot submit a proper dispute.”

    Customer: “Um…OK, well, it was a business trip…and, um…I wanted to hire…um…an escort for a client. Not for me, for a client! For the night. And we weren’t pleased with her, um, services. Which isn’t to say that she didn’t provide services! I’m just saying that it wasn’t the service we…well, the service we…. It wasn’t what we expected.”

    Me: “…all right. I’ll transfer you to our disputes department for further assistance.”

    I Think We’ve Found The Problem

    , | Concord, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in 2 days to fix your dishwasher.”

    Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

    Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

    Customer: “Ok, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

    Me: “Um…I was just kidding, ma’am.”

    Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

    (After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

    Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

    Me: “I was just joking!”

    Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

    Occam’s Razor Phone

    | Colorado, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Mobile Customer Service, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, there’s something wrong with my phone. It won’t take pictures.”

    Me: “Is it a camera phone?”

    Customer: “No.”


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