Customer: “Don’t get upset, okay?”

Me: *confused* “…okay?”

Customer: “Just, please don’t be mad at me.”

Me: “Um, all right.”

Customer: “I like your hair.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Customer: “It’s a compliment.”

Me: “I know. Thanks.”

Customer: “So, don’t get mad.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Can I make my payment on Friday?”

Me: “We’re closed on Good Friday, since Easter is Sunday.”

Customer: “Good Friday is on a Friday?!”

Me: “Good morning, can I help you?”

Customer: “I cant seem to connect to the server.”

Me: “No problem, I have to ask if you’re able to see if all the cables are connected properly and the computer is functioning properly.”

Customer: “Are you trying to imply that I am stupid? That I can’t tell if something isn’t plugged in? I don’t want to talk to you! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Sir I am in fact the manager, and I meant no disrespect. This is step one in our problem solving protocol.”

Customer: “So will you come here and fix my problem?”

Me: “I have noticed that you have not signed or returned your service agreement and I will be forced to charge you $100 for an onsite repair.”

Customer: “That’s fine, it must be broken. Get here as soon as you can.”

(Two hours of driving in traffic later…)

Me: “Sir, I have found your problem.”

Customer: “Oh, and what do you have to repair?”

Me: “Nothing, your router was unplugged.”

Related:
The Router To Success

Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”

Female caller: “I’ve got this charge on my phone bill for almost $200, and I didn’t call that number.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s not a problem. Let me get you phone number and I will pull up your bill.”

Female caller: *gives phone number*

Me: “Okay, I see one phone call to [phone number] for a total of close to $200. What I will do is call the number and find out what it is. If they know you, I can not credit you for this; if it is a business number, I also can not credit you for this.”

Female caller: “Well, nobody in this house called that number. It’s just me and my husband, and we don’t know that number!”

(I put her on hold and call the number; it turns out to be a phone sex hotline.)

Me: “Ma’am, thank you for holding. I’m sorry, but that is a business number that charges per minute. They actually added the charge, not ourselves. I can’t credit your account.”

Female caller: “What the f*** do you mean you can’t?! I demand this off my bill!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but they added this charge–not us. They billed it through us to you for calling them.”

(At this point, I can hear her husband is in the background yelling and cussing about it too.)

Female caller: “If you keep saying it’s a business that charged this, what is it?!”

Me: “Um…’Big Girls…Want Your Love’, ma’am…”

Female caller: “What in the h***?! Nobody called that–” *both her and her husband suddenly go quiet*

Me: “…Ma’am?”

Female caller: “I will deal with this b***s**t myself!” *slams down the phone*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Caller: *on the phone* “HELLO?”

Me: “Hello, ma’am! What can I help you with?”

(There is a long silence)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear that. Would you please repeat what you just said?”

Caller: “HELLO?”

Me: “…hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

(Another long silence.)

Caller: “WELL?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t hear you again.”

Caller: “That’s because I’m not speaking.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “I’m thinking my question. WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”

Me: “Ma’am, you need to speak out loud in order for me to help you.”

Caller: “You mean with technology these days you can’t tell what I’m thinking?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t.”

Caller: “YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT I’M THINKING!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. If you’d like me to help you, you’ll just have to speak it out loud.”

(Another minute of silence.)

Caller: “I JUST MENTALLY CURSED YOU! BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW THAT, WOULD YOU?!” *hangs up*

(A card holder called and asked for his balance, payment and other credit card information.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “One more thing. Who’s going to bill me next month?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “Who’s going to charge my account next month?”

Me: “I’m sorry…we don’t have the ability to see the future…”

Caller: “Why not? You’re my credit card company. You should know where I’m going to spend my money.”

Me: “Um…well, once you figure out where you’re going to go, call us afterwards. We can tell you where you’ve been.”

Caller: “See? I told you, you guys know everything!” *click*

(I received this call shortly after news broke about the emergency landing of a US Airways flight on the Hudson.)

Me: “Thank you for calling customer service, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the Hudson River just a few moments ago?”

Me: “There was a plane crash? Oh, my… was anyone hurt?”

Customer: “No, they all lived. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet. Where are you located?”

Me: “Well, I don’t have access to a television to see the current news. I am in Oregon.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder you haven’t heard of it happening yet. It happened in New York, which is 3 hours ahead of you!”

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to dispute a charge on my bill.”

Me: “Yes, certainly. Which charge would you like to dispute?”

Customer: “There should be a charge on February 22nd for $2000.”

Me: “The one for ‘Gentlemen’s Club’?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s the one I’d like to dispute.”

Me: “And what’s the reason for the dispute?”

Customer: “…do you need to know?”

Me: “Without a reason, we cannot submit a proper dispute.”

Customer: “Um…OK, well, it was a business trip…and, um…I wanted to hire…um…an escort for a client. Not for me, for a client! For the night. And we weren’t pleased with her, um, services. Which isn’t to say that she didn’t provide services! I’m just saying that it wasn’t the service we…well, the service we…. It wasn’t what we expected.”

Me: “…all right. I’ll transfer you to our disputes department for further assistance.”

Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in 2 days to fix your dishwasher.”

Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

Customer: “Ok, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

Me: “Um…I was just kidding, ma’am.”

Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

(After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

Me: “I was just joking!”

Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Mobile Customer Service, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, there’s something wrong with my phone. It won’t take pictures.”

Me: “Is it a camera phone?”

Customer: “No.”