Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”

Female caller: “I’ve got this charge on my phone bill for almost $200, and I didn’t call that number.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s not a problem. Let me get you phone number and I will pull up your bill.”

Female caller: *gives phone number*

Me: “Okay, I see one phone call to [phone number] for a total of close to $200. What I will do is call the number and find out what it is. If they know you, I can not credit you for this; if it is a business number, I also can not credit you for this.”

Female caller: “Well, nobody in this house called that number. It’s just me and my husband, and we don’t know that number!”

(I put her on hold and call the number; it turns out to be a phone sex hotline.)

Me: “Ma’am, thank you for holding. I’m sorry, but that is a business number that charges per minute. They actually added the charge, not ourselves. I can’t credit your account.”

Female caller: “What the f*** do you mean you can’t?! I demand this off my bill!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but they added this charge–not us. They billed it through us to you for calling them.”

(At this point, I can hear her husband is in the background yelling and cussing about it too.)

Female caller: “If you keep saying it’s a business that charged this, what is it?!”

Me: “Um…’Big Girls…Want Your Love’, ma’am…”

Female caller: “What in the h***?! Nobody called that–” *both her and her husband suddenly go quiet*

Me: “…Ma’am?”

Female caller: “I will deal with this b***s**t myself!” *slams down the phone*

Caller: *on the phone* “HELLO?”

Me: “Hello, ma’am! What can I help you with?”

(There is a long silence)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear that. Would you please repeat what you just said?”

Caller: “HELLO?”

Me: “…hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

(Another long silence.)

Caller: “WELL?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t hear you again.”

Caller: “That’s because I’m not speaking.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “I’m thinking my question. WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”

Me: “Ma’am, you need to speak out loud in order for me to help you.”

Caller: “You mean with technology these days you can’t tell what I’m thinking?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t.”

Caller: “YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT I’M THINKING!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. If you’d like me to help you, you’ll just have to speak it out loud.”

(Another minute of silence.)

Caller: “I JUST MENTALLY CURSED YOU! BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW THAT, WOULD YOU?!” *hangs up*

(A card holder called and asked for his balance, payment and other credit card information.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “One more thing. Who’s going to bill me next month?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “Who’s going to charge my account next month?”

Me: “I’m sorry…we don’t have the ability to see the future…”

Caller: “Why not? You’re my credit card company. You should know where I’m going to spend my money.”

Me: “Um…well, once you figure out where you’re going to go, call us afterwards. We can tell you where you’ve been.”

Caller: “See? I told you, you guys know everything!” *click*

(I received this call shortly after news broke about the emergency landing of a US Airways flight on the Hudson.)

Me: “Thank you for calling customer service, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the Hudson River just a few moments ago?”

Me: “There was a plane crash? Oh, my… was anyone hurt?”

Customer: “No, they all lived. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet. Where are you located?”

Me: “Well, I don’t have access to a television to see the current news. I am in Oregon.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder you haven’t heard of it happening yet. It happened in New York, which is 3 hours ahead of you!”

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to dispute a charge on my bill.”

Me: “Yes, certainly. Which charge would you like to dispute?”

Customer: “There should be a charge on February 22nd for $2000.”

Me: “The one for ‘Gentlemen’s Club’?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s the one I’d like to dispute.”

Me: “And what’s the reason for the dispute?”

Customer: “…do you need to know?”

Me: “Without a reason, we cannot submit a proper dispute.”

Customer: “Um…OK, well, it was a business trip…and, um…I wanted to hire…um…an escort for a client. Not for me, for a client! For the night. And we weren’t pleased with her, um, services. Which isn’t to say that she didn’t provide services! I’m just saying that it wasn’t the service we…well, the service we…. It wasn’t what we expected.”

Me: “…all right. I’ll transfer you to our disputes department for further assistance.”

Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in 2 days to fix your dishwasher.”

Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

Customer: “Ok, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

Me: “Um…I was just kidding, ma’am.”

Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

(After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

Me: “I was just joking!”

Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Mobile Customer Service, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, there’s something wrong with my phone. It won’t take pictures.”

Me: “Is it a camera phone?”

Customer: “No.”

(I received this call from a customer requesting web site support.)

Customer: “I want to order from you, but it says that my state is ‘Invalid’!”

Me: “What state are you putting in?”

Customer: “‘The Great State Of Texas’!”

Me: “Are you putting that whole phrase in the box?”

Customer: “Well, it ran out of room after the ‘t’ and the ‘h’.”

Me: “When you put in the state on our site, you need to use the 2-letter state code set up by the United States Post Office.”

Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “The United States Post Office has a code for each state and territory of the United States. Texas would be ‘TX’.”

Customer: “WHAT?! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW TO SEND IT TO THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS IF IT ONLY SAYS ‘TX’?! MY ORDER WOULD BE LOST!”

Me: “Actually, I’m pretty sure that the United States Post Office would know that ‘TX’ is ‘The Great State Of Texas’….”

Customer: *types it in* “Oh, look at that – it worked. Can you hold on for a second? I want to call the Post Master of our town and confirm this….”

(I worked for the online customer service branch of a major department store, answering questions via “live help”. The store had many older customers who would often have trouble shopping online. The following is an online conversation I had.)

Customer: “Your site won’t let me get through!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Could you tell me what part of the site you were having an issue with?”

Customer: “It keeps telling me that I have the wrong password. I have my password!”

(I look up her password and use it on the site to make sure it
works.)

Me: “I have tested your password and it appears to be working. Would you like me to send you an e-mail with a copy of your password?”

Customer: “NO! I have my password! It says it right here on the screen, and I typed it just like it says.”

Me: *slightly confused as to why the customer’s password would be displayed* “What password do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “cAsE sEnsitIve! I typed it the exact way that it says here! ‘Your password is cAsE sEnsitIve’!”

Customer: *on his cell phone, handing me a list* “I need all of these items.”

Me: “Ok, let me just get someone to help you.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just do it?”

Me: “I can’t leave the register.”

Customer: *shouting now* “I’M A VERY BUSY MAN!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry sir, but I cannot leave the register. Let me just call someone for you.”

Customer: “HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE EXPECT TO RUN A BUSINESS! I NEED MY STUFF!”

Me: *on phone* “Could I have someone come up and help a customer please?”

Customer: *screaming over my phone call* “JUST GIVE ME MY DAMN ITEMS! I NEED THEM!”

Me: “Someone is on their way to help you, sir.”

Customer: “I needed these items two hours ago; I couldn’t get here until now. My time is being wasted; MY TIME IS PRECIOUS!”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, scooter. Learn to manage your time better.”