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    Low IQ On The High Seas

    | San Juan, Puerto Rico |

    (A cruise ship passenger approaches me at the purser’s main guest services desk.)

    Passenger:“This sure is a big boat. I’ve been lost three times already today. Do you have a map?”

    Me:“Yes sir, here you are. There are also maps and signs posted throughout the ship on the walls, and you can always ask our staff or crew for directions until you get the feel for the layout.”

    Passenger:“Oh, you’ve got such wonderful crew! I don’t ask directions. I don’t want to seem stupid. How many people fit on this boat?”

    Me:“We can carry just about 5,000 passengers and have a crew of nearly 2,000 people.”

    Passenger:“And do the crew stay on board with us?”

    Varicose To His Wife

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.)

    Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?”

    Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.”

    (I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.)

    Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?”

    Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.”

    Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–”

    (A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.)

    Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am just confirming some details on his waiver so he can go snorkeling.”

    (She grabs the form.)

    Customers Wife: “Let me see that…oh, Harvey you didn’t put down your surgery, that’s why.”

    (A couple of guests have turned to listen as the wife of Harvey is very, VERY loud.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was just going to ask Harvey–”

    Customers Wife: “Oh, I can tell you what it is. It was for removal of varicose veins.”

    Me: “So, it really isn’t circula–”

    Customers Wife: *loudly* “They’re on his testicles!”

    (I quickly take the form and excuse Harvey. Immediately, Harvey runs off.)

    Customers Wife: “Harvey, where are you going? Harvey, what’s wrong?” *chases after Harvey*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    The Vacation Of A Lifetime, Slightly Exaggerated

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (I check in cruise-line passengers before they board the ship; our port building is clearly on the ground, right off the street.)

    Co-worker: “These are your key cards – they’ll get you onto the ship, and then into your room, and also–”

    Woman: “You mean we’re not on the ship now?”

    Co-worker: “No, ma’am.”

    Woman: “Oh, good, because they sent me pictures and this doesn’t measure up!”

    Grab Bag: Alaskan Cruise

    | Alaska |

    (I worked briefly in one of the regional offices for a cruise line. One of my jobs was to read all customer comment cards from the end of their tours and cruises and enter the comments into our database.)

    1. “Please cut down some of the trees in Denali National Park. It is difficult to see the forest because these trees are in the way.”

    2. “There are a lot of old cars scattered all over the place. Can you please remove them? They look ugly.”

    3. “I wanted to see Mt. McKinley but it was raining and too cloudy. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    4. “I couldn’t swim in the outside pool on the cruise ship because it was raining the entire trip. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    5. “I didn’t like the reindeer sausage you served on the train. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    6. “I wanted to see the wildlife tour, but 5:00 am is way too early for me to wake up while I’m on vacation. Can you please schedule the wildlife to be available later in the afternoon, so that I can see them?”

    7. “I was supposed to ride the train through Denali National Park, but there was a fire. Why did you schedule the fire while I was there?”

    8. “Why are there so many Alaskan natives in Alaska? Can you ask them to leave?”

    9. “There are way too many trees and animals on the wildlife tour. Can you please put in some malls and tennis courts?”

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