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    Sanity Overboard

    | USA | Tourists/Travel, Transportation

    (I work for the boutiques onboard various cruise ships. Even though jeweler is my professional position, we also have emergency duties such as lowering the life-boats, guiding guests and such. Mine is to muster guests to their muster position before the abandon-ship signal is given. The guests are all sitting in the grand dining room which is at the very back of the ship.)

    Guest: “So when the emergency signal is sounded, we just all come here?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, this is your muster station in the event of an emergency. When the abandon-ship signal is given, we guide you to your assigned lifeboat.”

    (Because there are so many guests on the ship, we don’t take them to the lifeboat when it is just a drill like this; we explain to them over the PA the procedure.)

    Guest: “Why haven’t you taken us to our lifeboats already?!”

    Me: “That was just explained, ma’am; as you can see, there are a lot of guests onboard, and it is really unnecessary—”

    Guest: “LIES! YOU’RE LYING!”

    (The guest then looks out of the window at the back of the ship; all you can see in the sea behind us.)

    Guest: “THERE’S NOT EVEN ANY LIFEBOATS ON BOARD! YOU’RE LYING! YOU JUST WANT US ALL TO STAY HERE AND DIE LIKE THE TITANIC!”

    Not Harnessing The Brain Waves

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (I work at guest services aboard a cruise ship that does 5-day cruises to Canada. We get pretty wacky questions sometimes. A man comes up to the desk.)

    Guest: “Excuse me, I have a question.”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Guest: “Where does the water in the pools come from?”

    Me: “We actually convert seawater into freshwater and put it into the pools.”

    Guest: “Oh, so that’s why the water’s splashing so much!”

    Don’t Throw Rocks In Glass Elevators

    | USA | Family & Kids, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (Note: I am a passenger on a cruise ship with my father. I am in my early 20′s and my father is in his late 50′s. We are in the elevator with some other passengers on our way back to our rooms.)

    Passenger: *glares at us* “That’s disgraceful!”

    Me: “I’m…sorry?”

    Passenger: “That’s disgraceful. The age difference between you two. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Absolutely disgusting!”

    (My dad and I give confused looks to each other. The other passengers have now begun to stare.)

    Dad: “You’re very right. After all, I used to change her diapers when she was a baby!”

    Passenger: “What?!”

    Me: “Yeah, older men aren’t my type. Plus, he’s my dad.”

    Passenger: *practically plows out of the elevator at the next floor*

    Make Benefit Glorious Guestlogisticstan

    | Florida, USA | Geography, Tourists/Travel

    (I work for a very well known cruise line in Florida. More likely than not, the crew members are not from the US. The people in the terminal on the other hand, are usually locals.)

    Me: “Welcome to [cruise line], how are you today?”

    Customer: *turning to wife* “Honey, she’s foreign.”

    (He then turns back to me, flashes a huge smile, and starts speaking in incredibly slow English)

    Customer: “Hello!” *glances at my name tag* “My! I’ve never heard of a country called ‘Guestlogistics’! Where is that?”

    Me: “Sir, that’s my position here at the terminal. I’m actually from around here.”

    Customer: “Is that in Europe?”

    Me: “No, I’m from [next town over].”

    Customer: *blank stare* “Okay…anyway, we’re all here to check in.”

    What’s Red Or Blue And Dumb All Over

    | Alaska, USA | Tourists/Travel

    (I work for a cruise line. We ported in a small town where we were too big for the local harbor, so we had to tender the passengers ashore in smaller boats. The passengers are lining up to be issued a tender ticket so they could go ashore. The tickets just happen to be red or blue, but the colors don’t mean anything.)

    Passenger: “What’s the difference between the red tickets and the blue tickets?”

    Me: *joking* “Well the red tickets operate as a life preserver in case of an emergency, the blue tickets will turn to stone and take you straight to the bottom. You’ll have to decide among yourselves who gets what.”

    (The entire line behind the passenger bursts into hysterical laughter, I’m having difficulty holding a straight face, but the original passenger is staring at me completely horror-stricken.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m joking…there’s no difference.”

    Passenger: “Are… are you sure?!”

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