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    It Just Jumps Off The Page

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, **** Printing.”

    Woman: “Yeah, I need to get something printed, and I just need to know if you can do it or not.”

    Me: “That’s entirely possible, what is it you want to print?”

    Woman: “Well, it’s something on a website.”

    Me: “Hmm. Web-res graphics tend not to print well. You’ll want something at least 300 dpi. And web graphics are in RGB color, and we would need CMYK.”

    Woman: “Oh. Well, if I show you the website, can you check?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (She sends me to this website and directs me to a banner ad.)

    Me: “Uh, you mean this advertisement that’s flashing at the top of the screen?”

    Woman: “Yeah, can you print that? Like 1,000 of them so I can hand them out?”

    Me: “But it’s animated. Even if the quality was good enough to print, I could only print one still frame…it wouldn’t be moving.”

    Woman: “Darn it! That’s what my boyfriend told me too! I just wanted to be sure.”

    Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    (Note: We always give a proof to customers prior to printing to make sure they get what they want, then follow up with a phone call.)

    Me: “Hi, did you get the proof?”

    Customer: “Yes, go ahead and run the job.”

    Me: “Okay. Thanks.”

    (I print her stuff and have it delivered. She calls about an hour later.)

    Customer: “I got my stuff but it’s wrong!”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “The color’s all wrong!”

    Me: “But I printed them exactly like the proof! Didn’t you say you got the proof and you approved it?”

    Customer: “I’m supposed to LOOK at the proof?!”

    Montgomery Scott’s Early Days At The Copy Shop

    | Kalamazoo, MI, USA | Top

    Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”

    Me: “We can overnight the key and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbor’s house?”

    Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”

    Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”

    Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”

    Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”

    (Customer stares at me.)

    Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”

    Customer: “D*mn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”

    Me: “I do what I can.”

    Fax Me A Pizza While You’re At It

    | Auburn, AL, USA |

    (After customer made copies of several $100 dollar bills on a self-serve copier.)

    Customer: “I need to send this money.”

    Me: “Err–what did you need to do?”

    Customer: “I need to send this money to my son. What’s it called? Fax it!”

    Me: “…I’ll ring you up for these copies. There’s a Western Union next door.”

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