Customer: “Hi, I’d like a copy of this photo, but I need one the people cropped out. “

(The customer hands me a photo of three men, arms around each other’s shoulders in front of a brick wall.)

Me: “Which one needs to be cropped out?”

Customer: “The guy in the middle.”

Me: “Well, we really can’t do that. That is more for a photo-refinishing artist.”

Customer: “Can’t you just erase the guy in the middle?”

Me: “We could, but then there would be a blank space were he once was. It would be pretty obvious.”

Customer: “Oh, you won’t just see the wall behind him if he is removed?”

Me: “No, the camera doesn’t take a picture of what is behind the person, just what you see.”

Customer: “What if it was a digital camera?”

(A distressed older gentleman approached me, after having used the self-service copy machines.)

Customer: “I only made 4 copies in black and white and it’s charging me $19.50!”

Me: “Hmm, that’s a bit odd. Did you take your credit card out already, sir?”

Customer: “Yes! And it started charging me!”

Me: “Wait. It shouldn’t be doing something like that…”

Customer: “It is!”

(We walk over to the copy machine in question.)

Customer: *points* “See? It’s even going up to $19.53!”

(One quick glance and I instantly know what’s wrong.)

Me: “Sir, that is the clock.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Once you eject your card, it goes to the clock, and our card readers they’re set to 24-hour time.”

Customer: “Ooohhh! Thank you!”

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, **** Printing.”

Woman: “Yeah, I need to get something printed, and I just need to know if you can do it or not.”

Me: “That’s entirely possible, what is it you want to print?”

Woman: “Well, it’s something on a website.”

Me: “Hmm. Web-res graphics tend not to print well. You’ll want something at least 300 dpi. And web graphics are in RGB color, and we would need CMYK.”

Woman: “Oh. Well, if I show you the website, can you check?”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(She sends me to this website and directs me to a banner ad.)

Me: “Uh, you mean this advertisement that’s flashing at the top of the screen?”

Woman: “Yeah, can you print that? Like 1,000 of them so I can hand them out?”

Me: “But it’s animated. Even if the quality was good enough to print, I could only print one still frame…it wouldn’t be moving.”

Woman: “Darn it! That’s what my boyfriend told me too! I just wanted to be sure.”

(Note: We always give a proof to customers prior to printing to make sure they get what they want, then follow up with a phone call.)

Me: “Hi, did you get the proof?”

Customer: “Yes, go ahead and run the job.”

Me: “Okay. Thanks.”

(I print her stuff and have it delivered. She calls about an hour later.)

Customer: “I got my stuff but it’s wrong!”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “The color’s all wrong!”

Me: “But I printed them exactly like the proof! Didn’t you say you got the proof and you approved it?”

Customer: “I’m supposed to LOOK at the proof?!”

Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”

Me: “We can overnight the key and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbor’s house?”

Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”

Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”

Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”

Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”

(Customer stares at me.)

Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”

Customer: “D*mn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”

Me: “I do what I can.”

(After customer made copies of several $100 dollar bills on a self-serve copier.)

Customer: “I need to send this money.”

Me: “Err–what did you need to do?”

Customer: “I need to send this money to my son. What’s it called? Fax it!”

Me: “…I’ll ring you up for these copies. There’s a Western Union next door.”