(A customer in the self-serve copy area calls over for help.)

Me: “What is it that you need help with?”

Customer: “I don’t know how to make double sided copies.”

(I see that he has two single sided sheets.)

Me: “Okay, so first, put your pages in the feeder, face up. Then, under double sided copying, we’re going to select 1 sided to 2 sided.”

Customer: “No, it should be 2 sided to 1 since we have 2 pages and want to make 1 page.”

Me: “No, the numbers tell the copier how many sides the paper is, not how many pieces of paper you want. We have a single sided original and we want to make a double sided copy. 1-2.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “No, it’s 2-1.”

(The customer presses 2-1 and hits start. The copier scans both sides of this single sided originals and charges him for 4 copies instead of 2.)

Me: “Wait, no–”

Customer: “Yes, see? I was right!”

Me: “No, look…you weren’t.”

(The customer picks up his copies to see 4 pieces of paper, two of which are blank.)

Customer: “Hey, they came out wrong.”

Me: “Yep, because the setting was supposed to be 1-2.”

Customer: “Can I get a refund for them?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because you asked me for help. When I told you how to do it, you didn’t listen to me.”

Customer: “But they came out wrong!”

Me: “They came out wrong because you used the wrong setting after I told you what the correct setting was. I’m sorry, I can’t refund you.”

Customer: “So the setting is 1-2 then?”

Customer: “I need you to fax something for me.”

Me: “Okay, we actually have a self-serve fax machine right over here.”

(I point to it as I walk over to it from my side of the counter.)

Customer: “I don’t know how to fax.”

Me: “That’s okay. I’ll show you.”

Customer: “But I’ve never used one of those before.”

Me: “That’s why I’m going to show you how to use it.”

Customer: “No, I can’t, I’m not good with computers.”

Me: “Then you’re in luck: this isn’t a computer. It’s actually just like using a phone.”

Customer: “Here, you just do it for me.”

Me: “I actually can’t, due to our privacy policy, but I will walk you through it.”

Customer: “But I don’t know how to use it!”

Me: “That’s why I said I would show you…”

(A male customer in his late twenties, who I recognize as one of our regulars, enters the store flamboyantly. He is usually a very high-energy person, so this is nothing out of the ordinary.)

Me: “What’s up, [customer]?”

(He walks up to the counter and slams a huge wad of American money down in front of me.)

Customer: “Guess how much is there. If you guess right, you can have it.”

Me: “Uh…$3500?”

Customer: “Nope! It was $2500! You were close though!”

(All of the sudden, I smell the distinct scent of weed. I realize he’s totally high.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “So, what are you doing with all that money?”

Customer: “I’m going to Vegas, baby! Also, I need to pick up that fax you got for me.”

(I retrieve the fax. As I’m doing so, an elderly woman walks into the store. My manager comes out to help her at the other end of the counter.)

Customer: “Okay, thanks! I have to leave now. I need to get all the way to the airport!”

Me: “All right, then. Have a good time in Vegas.”

(He walks out, then comes back in a second later as he’s forgotten his car keys on the counter. As he’s leaving again, he stops in front of the door and turns back to face us.)

Customer: “Woo! I’m going to get herpes!”

(On our self serve copiers, the customer must press a button on the screen indicating whether or not they’re finished copying. If they press “YES” they receive a receipt to take to the cashier.)

Customer: “I’ve never used these before!”

Me: “Not to worry, it’s really easy.”

(I proceed to give her the run down, including telling her not to press the “YES” button until she’s done with all of her copying for this visit. The customer proceeds to make one copy and press “YES”.)

Customer: “What? I don’t want a receipt yet!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you just told it you were done making copies. Next time, press the ‘NO’ button if you still have more to make.”

(The customer proceeds to make another copy and presses “YES”.)

Customer: “Stupid machines!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you aren’t done, you should press ‘NO’.”

Customer: “I know! I know! I know! I know what I’m doing! I’ve just never used this machine before!”

(I finally gave up trying and went back to my work. She eventually came up to my register with over a dozen copy receipts, complaining how stupid the machines were.)

Related:
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 3
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition

Me: “Welcome! How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much will I save if I ask really loudly to have this laminated?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “The sign in the window says you give ‘large volume discounts’.”

Customer: "Are you guys open on Saturday?"

Me: "No ma’am, I’m sorry. We are open Monday through Friday 9am to 6pm."

Customer: "Well, could you get someone to come in? I’m in a hurry and this really can’t wait all weekend."

Me: "So you want us to come in on our day off so we can work on your order?"

Customer: "Well, when you say it like that, you make me sound like I’m being a jerk."

Related:
Off The Clock, Customer Block

(A customer walks in with 5 magazines under her arm.)

Customer: “Hi, how much does it cost to laminate one A4 page?”

Me: “That’ll be $0.10.”

Customer: “Great and um, about how many pages are in a magazine?”

Me: “I’d say about 100.”

Customer: “Great, so 100 multiplied by five is 500 hundred right?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “So 500 multiplied by $0.10 would be $50.00 right?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yeah so can you like, laminate each page in the magazine?”

Me: “Why would you want to do that?”

Customer: “So I can read them in the bath.”

Customer: “Can you make a copy of my fax papers?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Okay, now fax them.”

(I go over to the fax machine and send them; I come back with the papers.)

Customer: “I thought you were going to fax my papers?”

Me: “I just did.”

Customer: “Then why are the papers in your hands still?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Customer: “When you fax something, it sends the papers to them instantly doesn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, because it scans them and sends it.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought it sent the papers instantly to the number.”

Me: “Phone lines can’t do that.”

Customer: “Well I guess I didn’t need the copies then. Do I still have to pay for them if I give them back to you to get rid of?”

Related:
Taxing Faxing, Part 4
Taxing Faxing, Part 3
Taxing Faxing, Part 2
Taxing Faxing