I am checking out a female customer at my cashier’s station.

Customer: “Are you a lesbian?”

Me: “Uh… not that it’s any of your business, but no.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “It’s not something I need to question, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, but you’re giving off such a lesbian vibe! I’m sure you are. You should meet my daughter; she’s a lesbian, and she can show you—”

Me: “That’s $10.99, please, ma’am!”

I am told she came back later after my shift with her daughter and asked: 

Customer: “Where is that checkout girl who doesn’t know she’s a lesbian yet?”

Customer’s Son: “Moooom! Can I have a candy bar?”

Customer: “No, you’ve had too much junk today already!”

The kid looks disappointed but accepts his mother’s command. The mother looks at me.

Customer: “I just don’t want them putting so many chemicals and stuff into their bodies, you know?”

Me: “I completely understand. That’ll be $20.34.”

Customer: “Oh, wait, I needed my smokes and my Red Bull!” 

Related:
Where There’s Smoke…, Part 2
Where There’s Smoke…

A male customer in his early twenties swaggers up to the counter and puts down a pack of XXL condoms.

Customer: *Flashing a grin* “I guess these will do, even though they’re still too small. What do you say to that, eh?”

Me: “That you should probably go see a doctor?”

Seriously, people still think this works? This has NEVER worked!

Our convenience store has been targeted by a religious group for a few months. They’re always leaving their religious literature about the place, but management told us we could tell them to leave once they started sliding their pamphlets in front of the store price signs.

I am checking out a customer.

Me: “That’ll be $8.81, please.”

Customer: “Thank you, and bless you.”

They hand over a ten-dollar bill, but they also hand me a religious pamphlet. Without breaking eye contact, I just place my hand on the pamphlet, slide it across the counter toward myself, and drop it into the trash can that’s clearly visible to the customer.

Customer: “Oh… uh… well—”

Me: “Here is your change; have a nice day.”

Customer: “It’s just… well—”

Me: “Next customer, please!” 

The customer accepted defeat, and walked away with their purchase. We still occasionally find some “surprise Jesus” in the store, but it’s now a lot less frequent!

I work in a small local corner shop in a small rural town. Tourists usually drive past and stop in since we’re the only small town in a long way either way.

Customer: “Do you guys have an electric vehicle charging station?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, and the next petrol station that might have one is about 50 km further that way, in [Town].”

Customer: “But I don’t think my car can make it that far.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “And? How are you going to help me?”

Me: “You can use our landline to call a towing lorry if you don’t have phone signal; it can be a bit patchy out here.”

Customer: “No, I mean how are you going to help me charge my car?!”

Me: “I… I can’t, sir.”

Customer: “Do you have an adaptor, so I could plug my car into your mains? I’ll buy like a Mars Bar or something for your troubles.”

Me: “No, we don’t have one of those, and I don’t think that’s how it works anyway.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! It’s amazing anyone can even find your stupid little store!”

At this point, a local customer who neither of us noticed coming in commands the room with their voice.

Other Customer: “A tardigrade would need a microscope to find your stupid little brain. Go away!”