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    Infinitely Loopy But Happy As A Clam

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    Me: “[Convenience store], how can I help you? ”

    Caller: “Just wondering…what’s the soup special today?”

    Me: “Clam chowder, sir. ”

    Caller: “Are there any other soups or stews on?”

    Me: “Not today, sir.”

    Caller: “But do you have any soup or stew on special besides clam chowder today?”

    Me: “Nope, just clam chowder. That’s our only soup special today.”

    Caller: “But what about any other hot liquid foods? Any of those besides clam chowder?”

    Me: “No, sir, just the chowder.”

    Caller: “What’s your name?”

    Me: “Lily, sir.”

    Caller: “Lily, that’s a nice name. I’m Tim. I’m wondering if you have any soups on special today besides clam chowder?”

    Me: “No, Tim, just the chowder.”

    Caller: “Okay, thank you!” *hangs up*

    (Not surprisingly, the phone rings again about a minute later.)

    Me: “[Convenience store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “May I speak to Lily, please?”

    Me: “This is Lily.”

    Caller: “Hi Lily, it’s Tim. Do you have any soups besides clam chowder on special today?”

    Me: “…”

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    Laziness Is The Father Of Repetition

    I Get By With A Little Help From Employees

    | Torrance, CA, USA |

    (I walk into a convenience store, and the only clerk in the store is helping an older man in a dress shirt button up his shirt. The man in the shirt notices me walk in.)

    Man: “Hey buddy, you mind helping me button up this top button?”

    Me: “Um, OK…”

    (The man approaches me and, after much effort, I manage to get his top button tied. The shirt is obviously way too small. He thanks me and the clerk, then heads out the door, buttoning the rest of his shirt.)

    Clerk: “Thanks. That’s the third time he’s been in here this week.”

    The Royal Kiss-Off

    | Arlington, VA, USA |

    (There was a really long line at the convenience store I work at. A female customer at the back of the line was calling out to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, sir, I’d like to purchase this item.”

    Me: “Um…there’s a line of about 10 people in front of you. You have to wait for them.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “This is an outrage! I’m a queen!”

    Me: “…of where?”

    Customer: “Oompaloompaland!”

    Me: “Um…sorry to break it to you, but Oompaloompaland only exists in books.”

    Customer: “That’s it!” *storms out*

    And Her Roots Were Blonde

    | Terrace, B.C., Canada |

    (I’m working a graveyard shift, it’s 3:00 AM, a girl comes in, obviously more than mildly inebriated.)

    Customer: “Ummmm… so, I came in here an hour ago, and bought a Pepsi, and I like, took a drink of it just now, there was like, a hair in the Pepsi. Can I get another one for free?”

    Me: “Do you mean there was a hair in the bottle when you drank it?”

    Customer: “No, um, like, I took a drink, and one of my hairs got in my mouth at the same time, and I guess I bit it off and drank it too, and that was really gross so I like, threw the Pepsi away.”

    Me: “So you swallowed your own hair, and you want me to pay for your Pepsi to make up for it?”

    Customer: “Exactly! I’m sooooo glad you understand me!”

    Me: “Um, no. You’re gonna have to pay, actually.”

    Customer: “Aww, I knew that wouldn’t work. I /told/ him that wouldn’t work. He like, told me I was cute enough that you’d give me free stuff, but I knew it wouldn’t work. Oh well, I’ll pay, I guess!”

    (She goes to the cooler and starts tapping on the lids of various bottles with her finger, before deciding on one half-way back on the rack, requiring her to take a dozen bottles off before getting to hers, and coming to the counter with it, leaving the rest on the floor.)

    Me: “Um… what were you doing?”

    Customer: “Checking for a fresh one! They like, sound different! You work here, you should totally know that! You’re not very good at your job, are you?”

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    A Law Degree In Second-Degree Burns

    | Missoula, MT, USA |

    (Our convenience store is on a college campus, and we have five different kinds of coffee in self-serve urns).

    Customer: “Wow, this coffee is really hot!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “What if I spill it or something? I could get burned!”

    Me: “Well, yes. But it’s coffee. Coffee is usually hot.”

    Customer: “Well, I could sue you, you know. I heard about a woman who sued because the coffee burned her.”

    Me: “I don’t know that you could, actually. That was–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “Yeah, but I don’t see any signs.”

    (I point to large signs on all the coffee urns saying “Caution: Contents HOT“.)

    Customer: “I could still sue.”

    Me: “Yeah, but you’re a college student. We assume you can read.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah? Betcha I could prove I can’t!”

    Me: “…”


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