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  • This Customer Has Trouble Written All Over Her

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (A young girl comes up to the counter to purchase cigarettes.)

    Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

    (The customer sticks out her arm, revealing a very poorly done tattoo.)

    Customer: “See, I am 18. I have a tattoo. You have to be 18 to get one.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that is not an acceptable form of ID. I can’t sell you these unless you have a state approved ID.”

    Customer: “So I got this crappy tattoo for nothing? My friend said I could use it to get cigarettes!”

    Related:
    This Customer Has Trouble Written All Over Him
    She Has Trouble Written All Over Her

    Getting Ham-pered

    | Memphis, TN, USA |

    (A customer walks over to my counter and asks if he left his shopping basket after he paid.)

    Me: *jokingly* “Not unless you only bought expired ham, sir.”

    Customer: “Could I have that expired ham?”

    Me: “No, sir. We have to log it and throw it out.”

    Customer: “Well, if you’re just going to throw it out, can I have it?”

    Me: “No, sir. I have to take it out to the dumpster.”

    Customer: “Well, what if I watch where you throw it out, and then take it?”

    Me: “That would be stealing.”

    Customer: “Well, could I just buy it, then?”

    Me: “No, that would be a liability. We could sell you some fresh ham, if you like.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want fresh ham!”

    Quite Dim At Sums

    | Lewiston, ID, USA |

    (The customer punches in her debit number at the end of the transaction.)

    Customer: “Now, which key do I press?”

    (There are 3 buttons. Cancel (x, red button), back (left arrow, yellow button) and enter (carriage return, green button).)

    Me: “The green one.”

    Customer: “I can’t read those Chinese pictures.”

    Cigarettes Are His Achilles Heel

    | New Bedford, MA, USA |

    (A customer walks in, limping badly. His foot seems to be dragging lifelessly.)

    Me: “Are you alright, sir?”

    Customer: “No, I just shattered my ankle.”

    Me: “Do you want me to call you an ambulance?”

    Customer: “No, I just need a pack of smokes.”

    First Impressions Lead To Confessions

    | Allston, MA, USA | Top

    (I’m in the store office. From the camera screens, I can see a young man shoplifting. I hit the record, gathering evidence as he goes around the store. He is putting things into his pocket, jacket, etc. He next comes up to the back of the store, and knocks on the door to my office. I put the chain on the door before opening it.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m [name]. I’m here for the job interview.”

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