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    Conveniently Ambiguous

    | West Branch, IA, USA |

    (The store I work at has an unfortunate name that, although not intended, sounds very “adult”.)

    Me: “We go all out at [store]! How may I help you?”

    Caller: *sounding concerned* “Yes, hello. I was just looking over my husband’s credit card bill and I saw a charge to [store] from a few months back. I was wondering…what kind of a business are you?”

    Me: “We are a convenience store, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Oh, good, thank you! You have a fantastic day now.”

    Man, in the background of the call: “I told you!”

    Noon, Not Too Soon

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    (One of my regulars walks into the store on a Sunday morning.)

    Customer: “Sir? Are you selling alcohol today?”

    Me: “Yeah, but not until noon.”

    (The man stares at me blankly before replying.)

    Customer: “So, like one?”

    Me: “No, at noon.”

    Customer: “So, one then?”

    (I am rather confused at this point because I know he hears what I’m saying.)

    Me: “No, noon’s before one.”

    (He starts getting really upset with me.)

    Customer: “What is this ‘noon’? I don’t know what a ‘noon’ is! Where is a ‘noon’ on a clock? Does it say ‘noon’ on your clock? When is that?!”

    (I stand there dumbfounded for a few seconds.)

    Me: “Twelve, sir.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *leaves store*

    My Daddy Pays For Necessities

    | Blacksburg, VA, USA | At The Checkout

    (Two girls are walking up to my register with a large quantity of beer.)

    Girl #1: “I know it sucks, but you have to remember that we have to live in the real world now.”

    Girl #2: “I know. I think I might hate the real world.”

    (I check their IDs and tell them the total. The girl paying hands me her college charge card.)

    Me: “You do realize that in the real world, your parents don’t buy your alcohol, right?”

    This Customer Has Trouble Written All Over Her

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (A young girl comes up to the counter to purchase cigarettes.)

    Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

    (The customer sticks out her arm, revealing a very poorly done tattoo.)

    Customer: “See, I am 18. I have a tattoo. You have to be 18 to get one.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that is not an acceptable form of ID. I can’t sell you these unless you have a state approved ID.”

    Customer: “So I got this crappy tattoo for nothing? My friend said I could use it to get cigarettes!”

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    This Customer Has Trouble Written All Over Him
    She Has Trouble Written All Over Her

    Getting Ham-pered

    | Memphis, TN, USA |

    (A customer walks over to my counter and asks if he left his shopping basket after he paid.)

    Me: *jokingly* “Not unless you only bought expired ham, sir.”

    Customer: “Could I have that expired ham?”

    Me: “No, sir. We have to log it and throw it out.”

    Customer: “Well, if you’re just going to throw it out, can I have it?”

    Me: “No, sir. I have to take it out to the dumpster.”

    Customer: “Well, what if I watch where you throw it out, and then take it?”

    Me: “That would be stealing.”

    Customer: “Well, could I just buy it, then?”

    Me: “No, that would be a liability. We could sell you some fresh ham, if you like.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want fresh ham!”

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