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    Be Nice If You Want A Slice

    | Robeline, LA, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I’ve brought a large pepperoni pizza with me to work. After I get my customers out of the store, I grab a slice and sit to enjoy it. At this precise moment, a regular who is a total prick walks in. Note: I only share food with people I genuinely like.)

    Me: “Good evening. How are you?”

    Regular: “What’re you doing?” *cranes his neck to see what I’m eating* “Oh! You have pizza! Give me a piece!”

    (I close the box and move it out of his reach.)

    Me: “No way! It’s mine!”

    Regular: “Well, why not? It’s not like you’re going to eat the whole thing, skinny b****!”

    Me: “Yeah, like insulting me is going to convince me to give you a slice.”

    Regular: “Why can’t you just give me a piece?! You’re not going to eat the whole thing! Skinny b****es don’t eat much!”

    Me: “You’re not getting my food. ”

    Regular: “Well, I’ll tell [my manager]. She’ll make you give me a piece!”

    Me: “Yeah, go ahead. She’s in the office.”

    (The regular opens the office door and pokes his head in.)

    Regular: [My manager], [my name] won’t share her pizza! Make her share!”

    My Manager: “It’s her pizza. She bought it with her own money. I can’t make her give it to you.”

    Regular: “What!? But I want pizza!”

    My Manager: “Well, go buy yourself one then.”

    Regular: *storms out without buying anything*

    My Manager: “That was strange.”

    Me: “Yep.” *holding out the box* “Want a slice?”

    Where There’s Smoke, There’s Backfire, Part 2

    | Lincoln, NE, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Underaged

    (A young customer is trying to purchase cigars, so I ask for his ID. Note: I’m Caucasian, and so is he.)

    Customer: “Why you askin’ for my ID for cigars? They ain’t cigarettes.”

    Me: “It is a tobacco product and illegal to sell to minors.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! Gimme a swisher! You’re just racist against me! Gimme a f***ing swisher!”

    (Suddenly, the customer behind him speaks up. It turns out they’re a police officer.)

    Officer: “He can’t without your ID. If you have a problem with it, let’s go outside. We can call your parents and we’ll have discussion about disturbing the peace.”

    Customer: *turns pale and leaves*

    Related:
    Where There’s Smoke, There’s Backfire

    You Say Barokee, I Say You Need To Pee

    | Sardis, BC, Canada | Health & Body, Language & Words, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a convenience store on the way to a lake (popular with tourists), and the till faces the front door. Currently, two women are in line, the first of which is paying with her debit card. Her back is to the door, and her head is down. Suddenly, a man comes bursting through the door yelling. Both women are incredibly startled.)

    Man: “BAAARRRROKEE!”

    Woman #1: “Oh my God!” *bolts upright*

    (Woman #2 starts laughing hysterically, while Woman #1 has stopped in the middle of entering her pin to stare.)

    Man: “BAAAAAA. ROOOOOO. KEEEEEEE. BAROOKEE. BAROOKE!”

    Me: “Bathroom key?”

    Man: “Yeah! Barookee!”

    (He runs off in the direction of the bathroom, arms literally flailing.)

    Woman #2: “How did you know what the heck he was saying?”

    Me: *deadpan* “I speak tourist.”

    It Never Hurts To Ask…And Ask…And Ask, Part 2

    | Commerce, TX, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (A car pulls up to our store. Two teenagers get out while the driver waits inside. I know the second teenager as a petty shoplifter, so I keep a very close eye on them.)

    Teenager #1: “I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll need to see a valid, current, driver’s license in order to sell them to you.”

    Teenager #1: “Why?”

    Me: “Because I need to verify your age. By law, you need to be eighteen or older to purchase tobacco products in this state.”

    Teenager #1: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you the cigarettes, then.”

    (The two teenagers leave the store and talk with the driver. They then come back in and resume begging.)

    Teenager #1: “Please?”

    Me: “No. It’s against the law. I’m not able to do it.”

    (They leave to the car and return again.)

    Teenager #1: “Okay, I’ve got the license.” *hands me an old learner’s permit*

    Me: “I’m afraid I still can’t sell you the cigarettes.”

    Teenager #1: “Why not!? I’ve given you the license!”

    Me: “It’s still not possible. You see, this is a learner’s permit, not a license. That alone wouldn’t be too bad if you could prove this is your permit. However, this doesn’t have a picture of you on it. But before you go fishing out a student ID or anything like that, I can’t accept this for other reasons. First of all, it has expired. Secondly, it isn’t a license with your picture on it. Lastly, it says you are only seventeen and that you had a birthday last month. You still aren’t eighteen.”

    Teenager #1: “Oh, come on, please?”

    (The teenagers leave yet again, talk to the driver, and return. This time, they take their begging to another customer who has been filling out paperwork and drinking coffee near the front door.)

    Teenager #1: “Sir, could you buy some cigarettes for me? That guy won’t sell them to us.”

    Another Customer: “Seriously? You are seriously asking me that?”

    Teenager #1: “Well, yeah. He won’t sell them, and we really want them!”

    (The other customer looks at them as if they have gone into the Twilight Zone.)

    Another Customer: “You want me…”

    Teenager #1: “…to buy the cigarettes.”

    Another Customer: “Wait a moment. You want ME to buy you cigarettes. He’s already heard you ask me, and by law he can’t sell them to me because he will know that I am buying them for you.”

    Teenager #1: “Oh, come on, just buy them, will you?”

    Another Customer: “Furthermore, you are asking ME to break the law…”

    Teenager #1: “Come on, man… please?”

    Another Customer: “…an on duty, fully in-uniform police officer to break the law and buy you cigarettes?”

    Teenager #1: “Yeah, please?”

    Another Customer: “Think. About. It.”

    (Seeing the officer’s answering glare, the teenager and his friend finally decide the game is over. No cigarettes tonight!)

    Related:
    It Never Hurts To Ask…And Ask…And Ask

    He’s No Slim Jim, Part 2

    | Robeline, LA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry

    (I’m the girl whose friend is not a Slim Jim. It’s been a busy evening, so when I finally get a free minute, I grab a cleaning rag and go to wipe down the counter near the soda fountains. As I’m walking from behind the counter, a customer walks in, followed closely by Jim.)

    Me: *turning to go back behind the counter* “Good evening! How—”

    Customer: “Yeah, you just thought you were getting a break, b****!”

    (At this point, Jim scowls but doesn’t say anything. After the man makes his purchase, Jim taps him on his shoulder. The guy turns and shrinks back when he sees that Jim is scowling with his arms crossed over his chest. The guy’s head is about level with Jim’s nose and he’s only half as broad.)

    Jim: “What did you just call this young lady?”

    Customer: “I… uh… I said that she… uh… is a very nice young lady. Beautiful, too.”

    Jim: “That’s what I thought.”

    Customer: *slinks around Jim and darts out the door* “Have a good night, gorgeous!”

    Related:
    He’s No Slim Jim

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