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    A Stupid Call By Any Metric

    | OH, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am working as a third shift clerk in a convenience store. It is nothing unusual to get some very odd phone calls on my night shifts.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Does your store carry Magnum condoms?”

    (This is actually a pretty common question.)

    Me: “No, but we do carry Durex XXL.”

    Caller: “Do you think you could handle nine inches?”

    Me: “Sir, turn your ruler around. You’re looking at centimeters. Don’t neglect your lotion and tissues. Have a good night!”

    Caller: “Ummm…” *click*

    Weathering Demanding Customers

    | Bangor, Wales, UK | Crazy Requests, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a large supermarket in a tourist-y area. The last few years there has been almost persistent snow cover on the mountains from November through February. This December, however, has been really mild with temperatures consistently in the high single figures or low double figures. I am approached as I am stacking some shelves.)

    Customer: “WHERE’S THE SNOW?!”

    Me: “Erm… excuse me, sorry? Snow? I don’t follow.”

    Customer: “You know! SNOW! I was promised there’d be snow!”

    Me: *thinking he must mean a product* “Can you describe it? I can show you our seasonal aisle if you want to browse for tree decorations and ornaments.”

    Customer: “No! I want ACTUAL snow. Like, falling from the sky. They said it would be the coldest winter on record. I booked a holiday here especially!”

    Me: “Erm… sorry that the weather’s mild. I don’t know what you want me to do about it, though?”

    Customer: “Tell me why there’s no snow!”

    Me: “Well, the wind is coming from the south-west, instead of the north. I guess it’s warmer where it came from than where it’s going and keeping our temperatures mild.”

    Customer: *walks off* “THERE’S NO SNOW!”

    (I was left there standing and wondering what had just happened.)

    Been Called All The Names In The Hundred-Acre Wood

    | Jackson, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I have have been called just about every name in the book. I am refusing to sell beer to a customer who is too drunk.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you’re just too intoxicated and I can’t let you have it.”

    Drunk: “I’m not driving so what the f*** is your problem, fat-a**!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; can’t do it.”

    Drunk: “Come on, man. I won’t tell.”

    Me: *being very nice as it does really bug them when I don’t get mad* “Sorry, guy, still can’t sell.”

    Drunk: *getting REALLY UPSET* “You know what you are? You’re a Pooh butt! You’re a Winnie the Pooh butt!”

    (I’ve heard everything but not that, so I started laughing really hard which got him more and more upset. I told him that was the funniest thing I had ever been called and he got REALLY mad and just walked out.)

    Tazed And Confused

    | Melbourne, FL, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a new worker at a big convenience store. It’s near Christmas, a few weeks after Halloween. A mother and her daughter, looking about 10 or 11, walk in and pause near my aisle.)

    Daughter: “Hey, Mom I have a cramp! Did you know that your whole BODY does a cramp if you’re tazed?”

    Woman: “Do you wanna know how to avoid that?”

    Daughter: “Don’t go to Black Friday?”

    Woman: “No, silly, I meant the cramps.”

    Daughter: “Oh.”

    (That made my day, and I am now afraid to work on Black Friday!)

    Can’t Play That Card With Me

    | LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

    Customer #1: *not even looking at me* “Turn on pump number four.”

    (The customer starts to walk out but I call after her.)

    Me: *smiling politely* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that. You have to prepay for gas or leave a deposit.”

    Customer #1: *holding out debit card* “I’d like to prepay for $40 in gas, then.”

    Me: *still smiling* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our system is a bit outdated so I can’t prepay fuel with a debit or credit card. However, if you’d like, you can pay with cash or I can hold your card and—”

    Customer #1: *snottily* “I’m not giving you my card! You’ll steal my information! Just turn the damned pump on! Jesus, you’re f****** stupid! You’re the only person here who won’t turn on the god-d*** pump for me!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, if I’m the only person who won’t turn the pump on for you, then I’m the only cashier here who is doing her job properly. And you can just leave. Now. You have your nasty attitude to thank for that.”

    (She stares at me, seemingly at a loss for words, but she doesn’t leave so I expect her to make a scene as soon as she can speak again. But before she can open her mouth, another customer, who heard the whole exchange, walks up to the counter and speaks to the woman.)

    Customer #2: “I know it’s not any of my business but do you ever go to nice, sit-down restaurants?”

    Customer #1: *scoffs* “Why, of course I do!”

    Customer #2: “So what’s the difference in a waiter or waitress taking your card and walking off with it and you leaving it here with this young lady? Are you trying to say that just because she works at a convenience store that she’s a thief? Or that maybe restaurants have higher standards for employee? Trust me, lady, if that’s your logic, it’s very, very flawed.”

    (The woman opens and closes her mouth several times but obviously can’t come up with a good argument because she turns around and storms out of the store.)

    Customer #2: *smiles* “That felt really good.”

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