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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Tazed And Confused

    | Melbourne, FL, USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a new worker at a big convenience store. It’s near Christmas, a few weeks after Halloween. A mother and her daughter, looking about 10 or 11, walk in and pause near my aisle.)

    Daughter: “Hey, Mom I have a cramp! Did you know that your whole BODY does a cramp if you’re tazed?”

    Woman: “Do you wanna know how to avoid that?”

    Daughter: “Don’t go to Black Friday?”

    Woman: “No, silly, I meant the cramps.”

    Daughter: “Oh.”

    (That made my day, and I am now afraid to work on Black Friday!)

    Can’t Play That Card With Me

    | LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

    Customer #1: *not even looking at me* “Turn on pump number four.”

    (The customer starts to walk out but I call after her.)

    Me: *smiling politely* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that. You have to prepay for gas or leave a deposit.”

    Customer #1: *holding out debit card* “I’d like to prepay for $40 in gas, then.”

    Me: *still smiling* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our system is a bit outdated so I can’t prepay fuel with a debit or credit card. However, if you’d like, you can pay with cash or I can hold your card and—”

    Customer #1: *snottily* “I’m not giving you my card! You’ll steal my information! Just turn the damned pump on! Jesus, you’re f****** stupid! You’re the only person here who won’t turn on the god-d*** pump for me!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, if I’m the only person who won’t turn the pump on for you, then I’m the only cashier here who is doing her job properly. And you can just leave. Now. You have your nasty attitude to thank for that.”

    (She stares at me, seemingly at a loss for words, but she doesn’t leave so I expect her to make a scene as soon as she can speak again. But before she can open her mouth, another customer, who heard the whole exchange, walks up to the counter and speaks to the woman.)

    Customer #2: “I know it’s not any of my business but do you ever go to nice, sit-down restaurants?”

    Customer #1: *scoffs* “Why, of course I do!”

    Customer #2: “So what’s the difference in a waiter or waitress taking your card and walking off with it and you leaving it here with this young lady? Are you trying to say that just because she works at a convenience store that she’s a thief? Or that maybe restaurants have higher standards for employee? Trust me, lady, if that’s your logic, it’s very, very flawed.”

    (The woman opens and closes her mouth several times but obviously can’t come up with a good argument because she turns around and storms out of the store.)

    Customer #2: *smiles* “That felt really good.”

    More Taxing To Some People

    | Austin, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (A customer brings a pack of gum to the counter. The MSRP, 69 cents, is printed on it.)

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be 75 cents.”

    Customer: *practically yelling* “No, it says 69 cents right here!”

    Me: “Yes, and sales tax makes it 75.”

    Customer: “Tax is 8 cents to a dollar, and this is less than a dollar, so there isn’t supposed to be any tax on it!”

    Me: “That’s… that’s not how sales tax works…”

    (He left without buying the gum.)

    In Good Companion Company

    | Robeline, LA, USA | Family & Kids, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV

    (I have two piercings in each ear and am wearing some very geeky earrings. Customers keep commenting on one pair, Nintendo controllers, but are confused as to what the other pair is. Until a young girl, who is maybe six, comes in with her mom.)

    Little Girl: *wide eyed* “Is that a Tardis!?”

    Me: *smiling* “Yes, it is! No one has figured it out all day.”

    Little Girl: *excitedly* “Does that mean you’re the Doctor?!” *to her mom* “Is the Doctor a girl now?!”

    Mom: *sternly* “No, the Doctor isn’t a girl.”

    Little Girl: *sadly* “Oh…”

    Mom: *brightly* “But that just means she’s his companion!”

    Little Girl: “OH!” *grins* “Yeah! The Doctor does like gingers, doesn’t he?”

    Me: *putting a finger to my lips* “Shh! Don’t tell anyone my secret!”

    Little Girl: “Okay!”

    (After her mom pays for their things, the little girl turns and waves before they leave.)

    Little Girl: “By Miss the Doctor’s Companion! Beware the Daleks!”

    (Best customers ever!)

    Doesn’t Have The Magic Touch

    | LA, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Religion

    (My coworker and I are discussing Harry Potter: which book was our favorite, which movie, what we would have liked to have seen in the movies, etc. when a customer walks in.)

    Customer: *scowling at us* “You shouldn’t read those books. They teach the devil’s work!”

    (My coworker and I reply at the same time.)

    Coworker: “Not really.”

    Me: “Not in the slightest.”

    Customer: “YES, THEY ARE! They have magic in them so they teach the devil’s work!”

    Me: *smiling* “Humor me here, okay?”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Your little girl watches Disney, right? And she really loves the Disney Princesses, right?”

    Customer: *proudly* “Yes! She’s growing up on good, wholesome family movies like I did!”

    Me: “Okay, so she loves the Princess movies. Who is her favorite?”

    Customer: “Right now it’s Rapunzel.”

    Me: “You mean the Disney Princess who has magical hair because her mother ate a magical plant to save her when she was pregnant with Rapunzel? The same Rapunzel who was kidnapped by a witch and kept in a tower?”

    Customer: “Yes! The witch was evil! She wanted to use Rapunzel’s magical hair all for herself.”

    Me: “Right. Rapunzel’s magical hair that healed people when she sang.”

    Customer: *snottily* “What’s your point?”

    Me: “My point is that you let your child watch Disney movies that are full of talking animals, magical hair, enchanted furniture, etcetera, etcetera, but you don’t think my coworker and I should read Harry Potter because it has magic in it, making it the devil’s work.”

    Customer: “That’s right!”

    Me: “You see the flaw in your logic, right?”

    Customer: *loudly* “There is no flaw! Magic is evil and that’s that!”

    Me: *rubbing my temples* “Right. Did you actually need anything tonight?”

    Customer: “No! I think I’ll go to the dollar store down the street instead!”

    Me: “You do that, ma’am.”

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