(Years ago I was working the closing shift at a local convenience store. It was late when a very elderly man came in and bought a six pack of beer, cigarettes and condoms. After ringing up the sale…)

Me: “Have a good night Sir!”

Him: “Oh I will, the missus is out of town!”

Me: *shocked and speechless*

*customer walks in*

Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

Customer: “Have you prayed today?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Customer: “You better pray or you’ll go to hell.”

Me: “Wow, okay.”

Customer: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you.”

Me: “FOR ME!!! FOR ME!!! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” *awesome air guitaring, a la Queen*

*customer walks out*

(Background story: the customer was one of those crazy people who had come in for whatever it was and she is always talking about jesus. If anybody else had been in the store I wouldn’t have done the Queen thing but it was too much to pass up.)

Me, to a customer opening the beer cooler: “I’m sorry, but alcohol sales close at midnight.”

Customer: “That’s ok, I’m just getting beer.”

(Hanging by the coffee dispenser)

Campus police officer 1 to campus police officer 2: “I smell bacon, is that you?”