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    Harping On

    | CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Musical Mayhem, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at a high school orchestra concert when the fire alarms go off. As we evacuate the building, I come across a gentleman in the hall trying to get the harp onto a harp-tow.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you need to leave the hall. We’re evacuating the building.”

    Gentleman: “I need to get my daughter’s harp out first.”

    Me: “Sir, you need to evacuate.”

    Gentleman: “I don’t expect you to understand, but this harp is important and expensive, so why don’t you worry about your pretty little self, while I worry about more important things?”

    Me: “Sir, you have a choice: you can either leave on your own, or you can leave in handcuffs. I will have you arrested.”

    Gentleman: “I said I’m not leaving with out the harp; get it through your stupid head!”

    (A police officer has entered the hall to let me know that the fire department is on their way and that the building is clear except me and this gentleman.)

    Police officer: “Problem, [my name]?”

    Gentleman: “Yeah, I’m trying to get this harp out of here, and she’s in my way!”

    Police Officer: “Aw, that’s too bad. Guess you have to leave with out it. You can leave with me, if you’d like. I’ve got some nice handcuffs.”

    (His eyes widen and he bolts from the hall.)

    Police Officer: “Well, that’s a shame. Anyways, no fire. Fire department will reset the alarm as soon as they get here.”

    (The gentleman’s wife ends up coming in for the harp about 25 minutes later. Surprisingly, she sides with us.)

    Gentleman’s Wife: “My husband was an idiot. Thanks to you and your coworkers for a job well done… you should have had him arrested anyway!”

    Where The Car Parks You

    | London, UK |

    (I work within a very large concert hall selling programmes for the concerts. A large man walks up to me.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you today?”

    Man: *strong Russian accent* “Excuse me, but where is the Russian carpark?”

    Me: “Pardon, sir, could you repeat that?”

    Man: “Where is the Russian carpark?”

    Me: “The Russian car park?”

    Man: “Yes!”

    Me: “There isn’t one. There’s just a regular car park.”

    Man: “Oh.” *walks off*

    Not A Drop To Drink

    | England, UK | Food & Drink

    (I’m manning the box office. I get a call from a customer who has received a free drink voucher that we send out to new customers as a welcome gift.)

    Me: “Good morning, [concert hall]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m offended that you sent me a free drinks voucher in the post.”

    Me: “You are? I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I’m an alcoholic and I can’t drink anything.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. The voucher is also valid for our range of soft drinks available as well as fresh coffee and tea–”

    Customer: “I can’t drink anything.”

    Me: “Anything at all?”

    Customer: *shouting* “Anything!”

    Me: “Not even juice, or water?”

    Customer: “Anything! A-ny-thing!”

    (I decide not to argue with him further and apologize for sending him the voucher.)