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    Wifitis

    | Overland Park, KS, USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I work at a busy computer and electronics store. A customer approaches me in the printer section.)

    Customer: “I’d like to buy a wifi disabled printer.”

    Me: “Ah, do you mean a wifi enabled printer?”

    Customer: “No. I want to buy a printer but it can’t have wifi.”

    (I acquiesce and spend some time showing her a few different lines, explaining what each can do. None of them are satisfactory, since any modern consumer-level printer with decent features has built in wifi. Sensing her frustration, I show her a newer model. She’s pretty much sold but I tell her wifi is built in but that she can disable it if she’s worried about security.)

    Customer: “No no. It’s not about security. It doesn’t matter if it can be disabled. We can’t risk having wifi in the printer at all.”

    Me: “Not to pry, but why is it so important that the printer doesn’t have built-in wifi?”

    Customer: “My husband is very sensitive to wireless electronic signals. He gets extreme headaches when exposed to them even for a short period of time. That’s why he’s standing over there.” *points to a smiling man standing about twenty feet away*

    Me: *sarcastically* “Oh, no!”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “You might want to inform your husband that he’s been standing under the store’s main wireless access point for the past 20 minutes, being blasted with wifi signals 50 times stronger than any of these printers.”

    (She ran to her husband, said something, and pointed up to the access point on the ceiling. I tried not to have a smug look on my face as the man suddenly feigned illness and they left abruptly.)

    The Warranty Comes Warranted

    | Leicester, England, UK | Technology

    (A young customer comes wandering in during lunchtime, fiddling with the laptops on display.)

    Me: “Ma’am, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes, please. I’d like to buy a laptop.”

    Me: “Certainly. What would you be using it for?”

    Customer: “Facebook, Skype, iTunes, and Civilisation IV. And typing, I guess.”

    (I show her a sturdy Dell.)

    Customer: “Excellent, I’ll take it. Does it come with a warranty?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, Dell offers a standard one-year warranty.”

    Customer: “Uhm, would it be possible to get a… longer warranty?”

    Me: “We offer an additional three year full warranty for [amount] more.”

    Customer: “Does it cover… like… EVERYTHING? Like, maybe, falling down stairs, getting rolled over by suitcases, accidental cups of coffee?”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yes, Ma’am. Everything.”

    Customer: *sighs, resigned* “I’ll have the full warranty. Something tells me I’ll need it!”

    Questioning The Location Of The Question

    | ON, Canada | Bizarre

    Me: “Good afternoon, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I got a question!”

    Me: “Okay, how can I help?”

    Caller: “Back in the sixties, me and Burt would drive to ‘Trannah’ to get a corned beef sandwich. The guy would say ‘Pickle on the side?’ and we say ‘Yeah, pickle on the side!’. Now you wanna buy ten, y’uunastan’ but you could only afford one! We ain’t got no money, y’know? These days, y’wanna buy one, ’cause you can’t buy ten. It’ll make ya sick! You’ll throw up!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’ll happen. I hate to cut this story short, but what was your question?”

    Caller: *click*

    There’s No Reason We Can’t Be Civil

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Awesome Customers, History, Top

    (I am a Civil War re-enactor. I am returning home from an event, still in my full Union uniform, and I make a quick stop at a major computer store. On this day people are being distracted by an angry customer who is throwing a loud fit. He is complaining that the store doesn’t carry a transmitter for his 40-year-old receiver.)

    Customer: “I’ve been shuffled from one store after another to find this part! I can’t believe you don’t carry it! You’re all just a bunch of f***ing nerds caught up in your modern computers! You’re just trying to talk me into buying a computer, but I’m not having anything to do with that!”

    Employee: “Sir, I promise you that I’m not trying to get you to buy a computer. But if you’re looking for an outdated part, we can try and find it for you online.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***. You’ll look stuff up online, steal my credit card information and make me buy a computer! I’m on to you a**holes and the way you use your nerd skills to rip people off and spy on them! I’m not having anything to do with your modern bulls*** technology!”

    (I finally step up next to the customer and loudly speak to the employee.)

    Me: *to the employee* “I’m sorry, does this mean you can’t help me fix my telegraph?”

    (The angry customer turns and gives me a sharp look. His face flushes between surprise and confusion as he sees me in my Civil War uniform, but as he opens his mouth to continue, most everyone surrounding us starts laughing. He turns red and storms out of the store.)

    Employee: *to me* “God bless the Army of the Potomac!”

    No Recognition Or Cognition

    | Canada | Language & Words, Technology

    (A customer comes in asking for dictation software. I showed him a very popular dictation package.)

    Customer: “Does that use voice recognition?”

    Me: “Yes, it does.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t want that! Voice recognition doesn’t work. Do you have any dictation software that doesn’t use voice recognition?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Customer: *looks annoyed and leaves*

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