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  • Customer Service Is Over(reaction)
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    Business Daze

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    (The customer has a covered hardware issue. It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.)

    Me: “I’m going to request that a replacement device be sent to you, free of charge. You should receive your replacement in 2 business days.”

    Customer: “I shouldn’t have to wait 2 business days! You need to make it arrive Friday!”

    Me: “I understand your frustration sir, but tomorrow is Wednesday and the second business day is Friday. Thursday is the holiday.”

    Customer: “You make it get here Friday!”

    Me: “Sir, Wednesday is one business day. Friday is two business days. You will have your replacement on Friday.”

    Customer: “Put your supervisor on!”

    Supervisor: *after greeting the customer and looking at the details for the replacement* “What can I do for you sir?”

    Customer: “That girl’s trying to teach me how to count!”

    Constant New Viruses Are Such A Strain

    | Maryland, USA | Technology

    Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”

    Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”

    Customer: “So they don’t really work?”

    Me: “No, not really sir.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”

    Assault And Battery

    | Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up too while you’re at it, because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

    (The next day, I call the customer.)

    Me: “Hello sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

    Customer: “No, why?”

    Me: “Well sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we wont be able to retrieve your data.”

    Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

    Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

    Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

    Customer: “Very good sir.”

    (4 minutes later, he calls back.)

    Customer: “Just a quick thing, if my wife comes in, and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

    Not Caught Up In The Web

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My mother’s computer won’t connect to the internet.”

    Me: “Alright, Let’s see if we can figure out the issue.”

    (I spend five minutes troubleshooting the connection, and still can’t get it connected.)

    Me: “I can’t find anything wrong with your computer. Is it a desktop or a laptop?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. She’s in Florida, so I’ll have to call and ask her.”

    Me: “Okay, do you happen to know her internet service provider?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s you guys.”

    Me: “Sir, we’re a repair center. Are you sure she has internet?”

    Customer: “Doesn’t it come free with the computer?”

    Me: “No, They stopped doing that a while ago.”

    Customer: “Figures. I’ll tell her!”

    Some Computer Owners Just Can’t Hack It

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Top

    (A customer walks up to the counter and sets a plastic shopping bag down.)

    Customer: “You have to help me!”

    Me: “I’d be more than happy to assist you, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

    Customer: “I’m being hacked! You have to get them to stop using my computer!”

    Me: “Do you have your computer with you so that I can see what’s going on?”

    (She just turns the bag upside down. Parts of a laptop spill everywhere motherboard, LCD panel, hinges, keyboard, palm rest, etc.)

    Me: “Uh, ma’am? Why did you dismantle your computer?”

    Customer: “That’s the only way to get them to stop! When computers are powered down, they aren’t really off! Those people in India are hacking into them while you have them off and are using it
    to teach their kids how to speak English! That’s why jobs are outsourced!”

    Me: “I really don’t think I can help you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, put back together my computer! I have a warranty with you people. I’ll get the FBI or police to help me with the hackers.”

    Me: “Our warranty does not cover you taking apart your computer.”

    Customer: “Oh my God! You’re one of the people helping those hackers, aren’t you?”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Aren’t you?!”

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