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    Common Sense Has Folded

    | Wilsonville, OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “Where are all my old emails? I had them in the deleted items box so I could refer to them.”

    Me: “They were removed from the deleted items box because they were deleted and you no longer wanted them.”

    Customer: “I store them there so I only have to push a button to get them filed. Also so I can find out who contacted me previously about a construction contract I have in case I get sued.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. They were in the deleted items box and they were deleted to help ease the migration from POP to IMAP.”

    Customer: “Can you restore all my emails?”

    Me: “With your backup I can put them in a folder.”

    Customer: “What’s a folder?”

    Me: “It’s a place to put email you want to save, manually.”

    Customer: “That seems like a lot of extra work. Why can’t I just push a button?”

    Artificial Unintelligence

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (It’s near closing. A coworker and I are doing some paperwork when a client comes in.)

    Client: “Do you use WordPress?”

    Coworker: “No.”

    Client: “Then what do you use?”

    Me: “For what exactly?”

    Client: “Web design.”

    Me: “Well, sir, none of us here do any web design.”

    Client: “Then what is the point of your job?”

    Coworker: “We fix computers.”

    Client: “Aw, man. Don’t you know you are gonna be replaced by robots?”

    Me: “What?”

    Client: “Yeah. They got these robots that look just like you or me. They can do everything. They even be secretaries. They can cross their legs and everything.”

    (The client attempts to cross his legs while standing and nearly falls down.)

    Me: “Sir, the robots currently available have very little AI and have mostly just mastered walking.”

    Client: “Man, don’t you know… THE ROBOTS ARE COMING!”

    Coworker: “When the robots break down, who will fix them?”

    Client: “Well, people, I guess.”

    Coworker: “That’s right! Adapt or die, baby!”

    Laptop Flop, Part 4

    | TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Money, Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a computer repair center downtown. There is a crosswalk leading from our door across the street, with two parking spaces adjacent to it.)

    Me: “If there are any other problems, please feel free to call or drop by; we are more than happy to help.”

    (The customer takes his newly refurbished laptop and a brand new case from me.)

    Customer: “Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. Do you guys happen to work on smart phones?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. Just bring the phone in anytime, and we will take a look at it.”

    Customer: “It’s in my car, actually. I’ll be right back.”

    (The customer walks out the door to their car, and momentarily sets the laptop in its case down in the crosswalk while he looks for his keys. I have spent several long and frustrating hours working on the laptop, but because the customer is so kind and polite I don’t really mind. Unfortunately, a driver in a black pickup suddenly drives into the crosswalk and parks his truck on top of the laptop, damaging it.)

    Me: “Well, f***.”

    (The customer and the driver argue for a moment, before the driver comes in with the customer on his heels.)

    Customer: “Look at what he did!”

    (I quickly examine his laptop, and make an estimate on how much it will cost to repair it. Thankfully the damage isn’t too terrible.)

    Driver: “Hey! I was here first! Quit helping him and help me! I need to pick up my [smart phone]!”

    Customer #1: *to the driver* “And what exactly do you plan on doing about my laptop!”

    Driver: “Nothing! It’s your own d*** fault for leaving it in a parking spot.”

    Customer: “It cost me $275 to have it refurbished!”

    Driver: “Sorry for you! Maybe you wont be such a moron next time and put it in your car instead of leaving it in a parking space!”

    Me: *to the driver* “That will be a total of $291.57.”

    Driver: “What! Why the h*** does it cost that much? This is outrageous! You’re just trying to rip me off! Give me my phone back NOW!”

    Me: “It is $49.99 to replace the screen on your phone, and the repairs for this laptop will approximately cost $219.99. Including tax, your total comes to $291.57. Will that be cash or card?”

    Driver: “What!? I am not paying for this a**hole’s laptop. It’s his own f****** fault for leaving it in the parking space!”

    Me: “So, let me get this straight: you park in the clearly marked crosswalk, which is a no-parking zone. You whip into the space and nearly hit him because you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, and run over his laptop. The same laptop I have spent the last two days working on, which was sitting in, again, a clearly marked no-parking zone, and you’re not going to take responsibility for your actions?”

    Driver: “Exactly! I am not paying for this little s***’s stupidity.”

    Me: *to the customer* “It looks like your repairs will be on me.”

    Customer: “Thank you, but you don’t have to do that.”

    Driver: “Yeah, you have to pay for it because you’re a dumba** that left his computer in a parking space.” *turns to me* “Now give me my d*** phone.”

    Me: “Get out.”

    Driver: “No, I want my phone. Now hand it over.”

    Me: “No. Either you pay for all of it, or you get nothing.”

    Driver: “I’ll sue!”

    Me: *pointing* “There are a total of one, two, three security cameras that have caught everything on tape. Do you really think you could justify refusing to pay damages in front of a judge?”

    (The driver looks crestfallen, and finally pays for all of it. The customer gives me a $20 tip!)

    Related:
    Laptop Flop, Part 3
    Laptop Flop, Part 2
    Laptop Flop

    USB = Universally Stupid Backups

    | SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I have just solved a customer’s virus problem.)

    Me: “That should do it. I got it all before it was able to do any major damage. Do you keep good backups?”

    Customer: “Backups?”

    Me: “Yes, copies of your important files for when—and I do mean when, not if—something happens to your computer. For instance if this virus had not been kept in check.”

    Customer: “So I could have lost all my music and wedding photos, and pictures of my grandma who passed away?!”

    Me: “It’s possible, if you do not have copies somewhere else, yes.”

    Customer: “Oh my God! Can you show me how to back them up?!”

    (I spend another 30 minutes showing her how to backup to a USB thumb-drive I have with me, as she does not own one.)

    Me: “You will need to get your own USB drive. You should be able to get one of adequate size for around $10 to $20.”

    (Three months later, I am at the same customer’s house.)

    Me: “Sorry, but it looks like your hard drive has crashed.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?!”

    Me: “The part where all your information is stored has gone bad. Anything on it that was not backed up may very well be gone for good, unless you wanted to send it away for costly data recovery.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah… I remember you telling me to backup the last time you were here so I went and got one of those things… let me get it.”

    (She leaves the room. I hear some rummaging and she soon returns holding the UNOPENED USB drive.)

    Customer: “Sure am glad I got this!”

    Not Just The Computer Making A Loud Noise

    | Mooresville, IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A very angry customer walks into our office.)

    Me: “Hi! What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “My computer’s broken! Fix it!”

    Me: “I see you didn’t bring it in with you today. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t work!”

    Me: “How is it not working? Can you turn it on, or does nothing happen when you hit the power button? Does it power up, but it might just be slow from a virus?”

    Customer: “You should know this! My monitor doesn’t work! I bought a new monitor, but it doesn’t work! Oh, and my computer is making a loud noise!”

    Me: “I’m thinking it sounds like there may be one of three things wrong with your computer. If you could bring it in, I’ll take a look at it.”

    (From this point on, she screams at me every time she speaks to me.)

    Customer: “YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY COMPUTER! TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I honestly don’t know what’s wrong until you bring it in and let me look at it. Until then, I’m not going to be able to give you the answers you need.”

    Customer: “TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I think the most likely case is that your motherboard has failed. If that’s true, you’ll need to buy a new computer. It also sounds like your power supply may have failed or you might need a new video card. If either of those two are the case, they’re fixable problems.”

    Customer: “TELL ME HOW MUCH A VIDEO CARD COSTS!”

    Me: “How old is your computer?”

    Customer: “IT’S AN ACER!”

    Me: “Ma’am, first things first. I’m going to have to ask you to keep this conversation at a reasonable volume. Secondly, you yelling at me the brand of your computer when I ask for the age doesn’t help me. If you could just bring it in to me—”

    Customer: “YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! I’M NEVER DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU AGAIN!”

    (The woman storms out of the office. I yell back before the door closes.)

    Me: “You never did business with us in the first place!”


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