(I overhear this as I am getting dinner.)

Girl 1: “Hey, if you wanna grab us a table, I’m going to go see what they’re serving today.”

Girl 2: “Okay.”

Girl 1: *comes back* “Hey, what is a Pollock?”

Girl 2: “I’m pretty sure it’s a person of Polish decent. Why?”

Girl 1: “Oh, I guess they’re frying them over there by the cabbage.”

(The sign says ‘Fried Potluck’.)

(I’m an Admissions Officer and am working at a college fair. We are not religiously affiliated. I run into an alum.)

Me: “Hi, is your daughter interested in [college]?”

Alum: “I’m an alum. Class of ’83.”

Me: “Fantastic!  I’m Class of ’04. Can I answer any questions for you?”

Alum: “I won’t be letting my daughter look here. I have some issues with how [college] is being run. God is not happy with you, and neither am I.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. If you’d like, I’d be happy to take your comment back to the Vice President of-”

Alum: “Are you aware that you let in students with liberal views and speakers with socialist leanings?”

Me: “Ma’am, we have a great deal of speakers on campus with a variety of view points.”

Alum: “The school has gone downhill since we let in those people! So I’ve stopped giving money. You can take that back to them. You’ll no longer see my $25 a year.”

Me: “Ma’am, as an alum myself, I’m proud to have graduated from a school that encourages both freedom of thought and speech in our students and speakers.”

Alum: “You don’t need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you.”

(I am at the Admissions office at my University. A co-worker leaves a message with a younger kid telling them they’d “call back later” to speak to the adult.)

Me: “Hello, [college]?”

Caller: “Oh, this is a college?”

Me: “Yes ma’am?”

Caller: “Well then why were you telling my kid you were coming to our house?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”

Caller: “Someone called my house the other day from this number and told my 5-year-old daughter that they would “come over later.” Why would anyone be coming over later?”

Me: “I believe they probably said “Call back later.” That’s what we usually say if a younger child answers the phone.”

Caller: “Oh, so now you think my 5-year-old is dumb?”

Me: “I never said that ma’am, we just usually don’t leave messages with young children.”

Caller: “If my daughter couldn’t take a message, I wouldn’t let her answer the phone!”

Me: “Well, with all due respect ma’am, she did tell you we said we would come to your house, which is not correct at all.”

Caller: “Yeah, well your people should speak more clearly, she’s only 5! She gets things wrong sometimes!”

(I am giving information about documents students need to bring to their university interview.)

Me: “We’ll need you to bring your birth certificate, an ID, your high school diploma and 8 black and white photos for your file.”

Customer: “Eight photos? How?”

Me: “Yes, 8 black and white photos.”

Customer: “You mean 4 black and 4 white?”

(I work in enrollment in my university.)

Me: “What degree would you like to enrol in?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, what are you interested in?”

Customer: “Hot girls.”

Me: “You mean ‘Women’s Studies’?”

Customer: “Does that have lots of girls in it?”

Me: “Pretty much all girls.”

Customer: “Awesome, I’ll do that.”

(Note: ‘Women’s Studies’ studies feminism.)

(To make the day more interesting, I am asking the prospective students about their Halloween.)

Me: “So how was your Halloween? Did you dress up?”

Student Caller: “I was Spock, of course.”

Me: “Awesome. Live long and prosper.”

Student Caller: “The needs of the many…”

Me: “…are greater than the needs of the few.”

Student Caller: “Or the one.”

*long pause*

Student Caller: “Marry me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Student Caller: “What, is this moving too fast for you? Okay, how about a date? Coffee? I can be there in 4 hours!”

Me: “Uhh… I don’t think this is appropriate. If you have any questions, you can call the office of admissions-”

Student Caller: “Wait! I need to tell my mom I’ve met the future Mrs. Finkler!”

(I work in the Financial Aid department of a private Christian college.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [University] today. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to complain about a late charge on my daughter’s bill. It shouldn’t be there.”

Me: “Alright, give me just one moment while I pull up your daughter’s account. I see that payment was not received until a week after the due date.”

Caller: “I know, but I shouldn’t be charged a late fee.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but our late fee policy was explained to you when you enrolled in our payment program and is also printed on the bottom of your monthly statements.”

Caller: “But you’re still a Christian university, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but to avoid late charges you must pay your bill on time.”

Caller: “Nonsense. The Bible talks about this. Y’all are supposed to be Christians!”

Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

(The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

Me: “…little people?”

Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

(When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)