Student: “So, like, um, you wrote on my paper that I wrote like, I, like spoke…but you only gave me 2 out of 10 points.

Me: “You used ‘like’ 56 times and ‘that’ 87.”

Student: “Um, why is that a problem??”

Me: “It was a 2 page writing assignment.”

Student: “So…um…since I talked with you, um…can I have some more points?”

Me: “Hi, my name is ***** at ******** College, and I’m calling this evening to talk to ***** about her college search. Is she available?”

Older man who answered: “Sorry, she’s still got a few weeks left in jail.”

Me: “Uh…okay. Would you mind just taking down a couple pieces of contact information for her?”

Man: “I could take it, but I just don’t know how well it’d go, what with all the drugs she’s on right now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, is this a joke?”

Man: “No, no joke…”

Customer: “Can I have a banana?”

Me: “Sure.” *I ring her up and give her a banana*

Customer: “Uh, actually.. could I have a more ripe banana?”

(I hand her a very yellow banana with faint spots on it.)

Customer: “No, no, a RIPER banana. Like, a greener one.”

(I stare at her for a second, get a greener banana, and watch her walk away wondering how she got into college.)

(Working in a psychology department main office.)

Caller: “Do you have the courses for a psychology graduate degree posted on you website?”

Me: “Let me check….yes, they are posted on our website.”

Caller: “But I can’t find them!”

(I spend a couple minutes navigating her through our website. Once at the right page…)

Me: “Is that all?”

Caller: “Well she’s a sophomore, so is this what she needs?”

Me: “No, if she’s an undergraduate she’ll need something else.”

(I navigate her to our undergraduate listings.)

Caller: “BUT, these are all PSYCHOLOGY classes!!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s what you asked for….”

Caller: “No, I wanted the English requirements!”

Me: “For an English degree?”

Caller: “No the English requirements for a psychology degree!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you want the Gen Ed requirements for all bachelor’s degrees?”

Caller: “YES!!! That’s what I want!”

(This call continues for many more minutes in which I explain that she should already have a huge packet on that from when her daughter started college. When she insists that they never got that, I actually navigate her over to the admission website, talk her through downloading the packet (a 600 page PDF), and have to explain not only what page to turn to, but where to look on the page.)

(For her daughter’s sake, let’s hope it’s not hereditary.)