College | Michigan, USA
(I was working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walked up.)
Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”
Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”
Me: “What–why?!”
Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot…like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”
Me: “…”
Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
College IT Desk | Oneonta, NY, USA
(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)
Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”
Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”
Me: “Like the author?”
Student: *blank stare*
Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”
Student: “Yeah!”
Related: University Of Homer Simpson
College Tech Support | Kansas City, MO, USA
(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)
Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”
Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”
Student: *gives me the info*
Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”
(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)
Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”
Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”
Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”
Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”
Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”
Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”
Me: “You called us, remember?”
Student: *click*
College | Melbourne, Australia
Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What’s wrong with it?”
Student: “It’s got fails on it.”
(I start looking up his record on the database.)
Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”
Student: “No.”
Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”
Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”
Me: “…”
Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”
College | Minneapolis, MN, USA
Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”
Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”
Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”
Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”
Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”
Caller: “Ooh… ”
Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”
Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”
Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”
Caller: “Ooh.”
Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”
College | Chicago, IL, USA
Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”
Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “Where are you located?”
Caller: “What?”
Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”
Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”
Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”
Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”
Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”
Caller: “Huh? Junction?”
Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”
Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”
Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”
Caller: “…”
Me: “Sir?”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*
College | Boston, MA, USA
(A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)
Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”
Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ‘09 instead of May?”
Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ‘08!”
Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”
Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”
Tech Support | Indiana, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, may I have your university user name?”
Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”
Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [university]?
Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”
Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”
Caller: “But the page said to call!”
Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.
Caller: “But it didn’t say that, it just said to call!”
Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the internet and expect support!”
Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*
Related:
And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…
University Library | Durham, NH, USA
Female student: *runs through the university library lobby wearing only a string bikini top, hot pants, and loud flip-flops*
Coworker: “I guess she’s in a hurry.”
Me: “Maybe somebody found her shirt…”
College | Louisiana, USA
(I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day, these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.)
Girl #1: “Ummm… can we, like, borrow your phonebook?”
Me: “Sure thing.”
Girl #1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded*
Me: “Need help finding something?”
Girl #2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J’.”
Girl #1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…”
Girl #2: “OmiGAWD me too!”¬†*giggle giggle*
(I grab the phonebook and look up their listing.)
Me: “Here–Jason’s.”
Girl #1: “Oh my GAWD thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…”
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