Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Dumb

College | Michigan, USA

(I was working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walked up.)

Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

Me: “What–why?!”

Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot…like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

Me: “…”

Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

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University Of Homer Simpson, Part 2

College IT Desk | Oneonta, NY, USA

(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

Related: University Of Homer Simpson

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Dire Education

College Tech Support | Kansas City, MO, USA

(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

Student: *gives me the info*

Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

Me: “You called us, remember?”

Student: *click*

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Please God, Let These Be Rhetorical Questions

College | Melbourne, Australia

Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”

Me: “Oh, ok. What’s wrong with it?”

Student: “It’s got fails on it.”

(I start looking up his record on the database.)

Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”

Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”

Me: “…”

Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”

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It’s Aliiiiive!

College | Minneapolis, MN, USA

Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”

Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”

Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

Caller: “Ooh… ”

Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”

Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

Caller: “Ooh.”

Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”

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Bonus Points If He Manages To Tie His Shoes

College | Chicago, IL, USA

Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”

Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “Where are you located?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”

Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”

Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”

Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”

Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”

Caller: “Huh? Junction?”

Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”

Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”

Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*

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Past, Present, or Future, She Ain’t Graduating

College | Boston, MA, USA

(A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)

Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”

Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ‘09 instead of May?”

Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ‘08!”

Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”

Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”

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And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam, Part 2

Tech Support | Indiana, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, may I have your university user name?”

Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”

Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [university]?

Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”

Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”

Caller: “But the page said to call!”

Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.

Caller: “But it didn’t say that, it just said to call!”

Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the internet and expect support!”

Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*

Related:
And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

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Ah, College

University Library | Durham, NH, USA

Female student: *runs through the university library lobby wearing only a string bikini top, hot pants, and loud flip-flops*

Coworker: “I guess she’s in a hurry.”

Me: “Maybe somebody found her shirt…”

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Like, OMG, You’re Stupid

College | Louisiana, USA

(I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day, these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.)

Girl #1: “Ummm… can we, like, borrow your phonebook?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Girl #1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded*

Me: “Need help finding something?”

Girl #2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J’.”

Girl #1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…”

Girl #2: “OmiGAWD me too!”¬†*giggle giggle*

(I grab the phonebook and look up their listing.)

Me: “Here–Jason’s.”

Girl #1: “Oh my GAWD thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…”

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