College Tech Support | Kansas City, MO, USA
(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)
Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”
Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”
Student: *gives me the info*
Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”
(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)
Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”
Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”
Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”
Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”
Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”
Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”
Me: “You called us, remember?”
Student: *click*
College | Melbourne, Australia
Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What’s wrong with it?”
Student: “It’s got fails on it.”
(I start looking up his record on the database.)
Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”
Student: “No.”
Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”
Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”
Me: “…”
Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”
College | Minneapolis, MN, USA
Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”
Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”
Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”
Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”
Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”
Caller: “Ooh… ”
Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”
Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”
Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”
Caller: “Ooh.”
Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”
College | Chicago, IL, USA
Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”
Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “Where are you located?”
Caller: “What?”
Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”
Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”
Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”
Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”
Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”
Caller: “Huh? Junction?”
Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”
Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”
Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”
Caller: “…”
Me: “Sir?”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*
College | Boston, MA, USA
(A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)
Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”
Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ‘09 instead of May?”
Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ‘08!”
Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”
Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”
Tech Support | Indiana, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, may I have your university user name?”
Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”
Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [university]?
Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”
Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”
Caller: “But the page said to call!”
Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.
Caller: “But it didn’t say that, it just said to call!”
Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the internet and expect support!”
Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*
Related:
And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…
University Library | Durham, NH, USA
Female student: *runs through the university library lobby wearing only a string bikini top, hot pants, and loud flip-flops*
Coworker: “I guess she’s in a hurry.”
Me: “Maybe somebody found her shirt…”
College | Louisiana, USA
(I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day, these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.)
Girl #1: “Ummm… can we, like, borrow your phonebook?”
Me: “Sure thing.”
Girl #1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded*
Me: “Need help finding something?”
Girl #2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J’.”
Girl #1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…”
Girl #2: “OmiGAWD me too!”¬†*giggle giggle*
(I grab the phonebook and look up their listing.)
Me: “Here–Jason’s.”
Girl #1: “Oh my GAWD thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…”
University Computer Retail | Philadelphia, PA, USA
Me: “Thanks for your purchase. Would you please sign anywhere on the receipt?”
Customer:¬†”Anywhere?”
Me: “Anywhere.”
Customer: “But there’s no line!”
Me: “That’s right–the printer doesn’t draw a line for this type of receipt, so just sign anywhere on the receipt.”
Customer: “Anywhere?”
Me: “Anywhere.”
Customer: “But there’s no LINE!”
Me: *facepalm*
Related:
Living On The Edge
University Computer Lab | Portland, OR, USA
(A student needed a stack of VHS tapes converted to DVD.  The first couple tapes were nothing special but the third  looked like the camera had been set up in a hotel room. The three of us working in the lab were wondering if it was even her tape until we saw the student sit down on the bed.  Then she laid back. Then someone else stepped into the frame and started taking off her shirt.  I ran to the phone to call the student while a crowd gathered in front of the computer.)
Me: “Hi, this is *** from the lab. ¬†We’re working on your tapes right now but we’re not quite sure about one of them.”
Her: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Well, one of them seems like it might have slipped into the stack accidentally.”
Her: “One of mine? Wha–OH MY GOD! ¬†The sex tape?!”
Me: “That’s what it looks like.”
Her: “Oh my god! Just box it up and hide it. ¬†I’ll be right down to pick it up!”
Me: “I’ll pull it right away.”
Her: “Please, don’t let anyone else watch it!”
*people cheer excitedly in the back of the lab*
Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’ve already shut it off.”
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