(Note: I work at a college financial aid office, and am speaking with the parents of a student.)

Parent: “And why do you need my information?”

Me: “We need the parents’ information for dependent students because they are still technically relying on their parents.”

Parent: “What if I was dead?”

Me: “But sir, you’re not dead.”

Parent: “But what if I was dead? What if I die?”

Me: “Well, sir, both parents would need to die and you are, in fact, not dead.”

Parent: *angrily* “Fine, I’ll send the information!” *click*

(This happens while I’m working security for my college. I am a volunteer assisting with the fire drills during morning classes. I run into one of the faculty members while checking the 4th floor of a building to make sure it has been evacuated.)

Faculty: *mouths something at me from the end of the hall*

(Note that the alarms are blaring and it is impossible to hear anything unless it is yelled.)

Me: *speaking at the top of my voice* “ Ma’am, you need to evacuate the building!”

Faculty: *takes a couple steps closer to me, still obviously trying to say something, but very quietly*

Me: “I’m sorry? I can’t hear you with the fire alarms going off!”

(The faculty member continues trying to speak to me from across the hall until I finally walk right next to her and let her talk right into my ear.)

Faculty: “Do those alarms mean that we have to leave?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I’m working the register at a college cafeteria when a girl about my age walks up. She has a cast wrapped around her hand and wrist.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I broke my hand. Can I get a free bottle of pop?”

Me: “Um, I can ask my manager.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(I go to the back office and tell my manager what just happened. He’s a really nice guy, but in this situation he just looks at me in disbelief and says no. I go back out to the register.)

Me: “Sorry, my manager says no.”

Customer: “Okay.” *laughs* “It was worth a try!”

(I’m working clearing, which is when we take in calls about students who are in their last ditch effort to get into the university.)

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to process your application now. Can I please take your first name?”

Student: “Yes. It’s…” *unintelligible speech*

Me: “Can you please spell that for me?”

Student: “Ugh, if I have to. It’s K…” *unintelligible*

Me: “Okay, can you repeat that for me? It starts with K?”

Student: “Yeah, you know. K as in Chicken.”

(This takes place in a food court during my college’s homecoming game. While I am sweeping the floor, a drunk girl is about to put her trash in a machine I use to clean the floor.)

Me: “Woah, wait! What are you doing?”

Drunk girl: “Isn’t this a trash can?”

Me: “No, this is a floor cleaner. The trash cans are over there.” *point behind her*

Drunk girl: “It looks just like a trash can!”

Me: *stares at wide, 4-wheeled, car-shaped floor cleaner* “Uh–”

Drunk girl: “What does this thing do?”

Me: “It cleans floors.”

Drunk girl: “Well, it looks just like a trash can!”

Me: “I’m sure it does.” *start to walk away*

Drunk girl: “IT DOES!”

(Our college has students of all ages in attendance. Sometimes, the older ones need a little more guidance with using technology. Today, an older gentleman approaches my help desk brandishing several handwritten sheets of lined paper.)

Student: “My teacher says I need to type this.”

Me: “Okay! Well, I think the best program is Word. Just double-click on that blue “W” right there.”

(The student pokes the monitor’s screen with his index finger.)

Me: “Ah, well, actually, we don’t have touchscreens. You have to use the mouse. See?”

(I gesture to the mouse.)

Student: “Oh, okay.”

(He picks up mouse, places it on the monitor screen and clicks. The he looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “Er, well, you have to use it on the mouse pad.”

(I take the mouse and put it back on the mouse pad. Then I show him that when moving the mouse, the cursor on the screen moves.)

Student: “It’s not working very well. Maybe you guys didn’t feed it enough.”

(I am a receptionist at a local college and I am doing some follow-up calls for people who indicated they were interested in attending by filling out one of our forms.)

Me: “Hi, is [name] there?”

Woman: “Yes. May I ask who’s calling?”

Me: “Yes, this is [name] from [college] calling. I’m just following up with the person who filled out a form for us saying they were interested in one of our programs. Do you know if they still are?”

Woman: “That’s actually my son. He’s only 11 years old. Are you sure you have the right number?”

(I double check the number and name on the forms with her, and they are correct.)

Woman: *sighs* “Oh my God. Could he have done this online?”

Me: “Yes, that’s very possible.”

Woman: “Oh man, is he going to get it. Thanks for the call. We’re going to punish him for this!” *hangs up*

(Several other high school students and I are on lunch break at a Model UN simulation. I am part of the Nigeria delegation. We are all about 15 years old.)

Woman: “So, are you a visiting diplomat from Nigeria?”

Me: “No, there’s a Model UN for high school students here today. I’m not really a diplomat.”

Woman: “Oh, cool. So you’re like some foreign student who gets sent here to do some simulation?”

Me: “No, I go to [local high school]. I’m not actually Nigerian.”

(Note that I am white and do not in any way remotely resemble someone one would expect to be from Nigeria.)

Woman: “Isn’t it a felony to impersonate an ambassador?”

Me: “No, it’s a model UN meeting. I’m not impersonating anybody. My tag clearly says ‘Model United Nations.’”

Woman: “Well, I’m reporting you to campus security!”

(She goes over to the campus security booth nearby and says something to the guard. The guard responds and she angrily walks away. As soon as she is gone, he bursts out laughing).

(It’s about two hours before closing and I’m cleaning up our breakfast area, which includes two rotating ovens that often have burnt bagels sitting in the back of them. A customer comes over after I’ve thrown the remaining ones in the trash. Keep in mind it’s late at night.)

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m cleaning up the bagels for the night. I can’t believe the amount of bagels people leave here sometimes.”

(The customer points at one of the more badly burnt bagels in the trash.)

Customer: “That’s mine.”

Me: *jokingly* “I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t suppose you still want it, do you?”

Customer: “Yes, I do.” *takes it out of the trash and walks off*

Related:
Waste Not, Want Not

(I work in a campus post office for students only. Package slips are put in the boxes and an e-mail is sent to the student’s school e-mail address when they receive a package.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Student: “Hi, do I have a package?”

Me: “Did you have a package slip in your box? I need that.”

Student: “No, I didn’t get one.”

(I go to the back and check anyway because one of the workers often forgets to put the slips in the boxes during her shift.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t see any package with your name.”

Student: “Could you check again?”

Me: “There were only 6 packages, and I’m sure none of them were for you. Did you get an email saying your package had arrived?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “Did the tracking number say it had been delivered?”

Student: “Oh, no, the tracking number didn’t have any information on it.”

(I go online to double check her tracking number.)

Me: “It says here that you ordered the package only three hours ago.”

Student: “Yeah, so it’s not here yet?”

Me: “No. It says here that it’s coming from out of the country. It could take up to a month for it to arrive depending on how long it takes to get through customs, but it usually takes two or three weeks.”

Student: “Oh…well, okay. I’ll come back to check tomorrow then!”