(I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

Caller: “Who is this?”

Me: “This is *** from [university].”

(Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

Caller: “He not here now.”

Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

(My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

Me: “*** College, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

Me: “Okay, what program?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

(I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

Me: “Hello, Commencement Help, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

Me: “Uh…do you mean are you walking?”

Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

Me: “What’s your major?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Well…what college are you in?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

Caller: “…” *hangs up*

Co-worker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

(I was working in the department office one day when an old woman called me up.)

Me: *on the phone* “Radio, TV and Film Department. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I want to take a class in radio.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our classes are part of the Bachelor’s degree curriculum. You can’t just take one class.”

Caller: “Well…how long is the Bachelor’s degree program?”

Me: “4 years at minimum, but the average student take 5 years to complete it.”

Caller: “5 YEARS?! I can’t do that! …so where else can I take a class in radio?”

Me: “Why don’t you try **** College? They have a radio station, so they may have some radio classes. Here’s the number.”

Caller: “What kind of school is **** College?”

Me: “It’s a community college.”

Caller: “A WHAT kind of college?”

Me: “A community college. You know, a junior college.”

Caller: “HONEY! I don’t need no JUNIOR college. I am a SENIOR citizen!”

(A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

Me: “Er…enough for what?”

Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

(A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

College student: “Yes, I need to get 4 dollars out of the bank.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

College student: “Well…what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

College student: “Yes.”

Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

College student: “You can do that?”

Me: “Yes.”

College student: “Technology these days!”

(I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)

Me: *on the phone* “**** Admissions, this is ****. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello. A man called me from your office yesterday. Can you tell me who that was?”

Me: “Well, there are a number of men who work in our office. Do you remember his name?”

Caller: “It was a man.”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am. However, there are five men in our office who could have called you.”

Caller: “Can you list them for me?”

(I proceed to list the males who work in our office.)

Caller: “No, those don’t sound right.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those are the only men who work in this office.”

Caller: “It was a man!”

Me: “Yes, I understand. However, I can’t help you unless you know any more details. Can you tell me what the call was regarding?”

Caller: “It was a man! That’s all I know! Please transfer me to the man who called me! You should be able to know who called me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t track calls that go out. That’s a privacy issue. However, if you could just give me some details…”

Caller: “My son’s name is ****. Why can’t you figure out who called me?!”

(I proceed to look up the counselor responsible for her son’s area of the country.)

Me: “All right, I have the name of the man right here. Would you like me to transfer you?”

Caller: “No, it’s all right. I’ll call him myself.” *hangs up*

(This took place in our college library.)

Me: “Could I help you find something?”

Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

Patron: “Yeah – ‘Tuesdays With Morrie’. Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

(A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’?

Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”